My father went to his father's funeral drunk and accused him of abusing his daughter (my aunt)
I died when I was 4. I was in a red car. Before I died, the car was jumping over deep canyons, and I sat there staring out the window into those canyons. I wondered what happened in that car, an accident? Was I abused? Was I just extra imaginative? I know we were escaping something. But the people we were escaping weren't bad. So does that mean we were bad? I know my dad was driving. I had memories of it being explained that I had a sister who was crushed to death. No records of a sister. Was that my mind telling me I was crushed to death?
I grew up with the signs and symptoms of a child who had been abused in sexual ways. Even dreams of dogs attacking me, humping me, and my mom said they were protecting me. I asked from what, and she said whoever was there. My dad was in the dreams, too, always watching. I grew up asexual due to fear of being raped. My mom sewed doubt- but not in a way that made me doubt it happening. She's why I think it happened. That kind of doubt. Paranoia for men. I know she was abused, though.
My entire life there was someone else in my head who takes over and will even tell people I was sexually abused. Despite ME not having these memories or thoughts. Does the other me have memories? She seems like she does, I don't understand it. She's more broken and won't even have sex, but I do.
I started to think it might have been my dad when I was around 22 or 23? Then I would get fuzzy for days. And forget completely? For a year, and around that same time the next year, for 3 or 4 years, I had the same realization every time, and got fuzzy. Each time, it would be me and the other me struggling for control.
I am 28 now and have less seperation and even do therapy to- I don't know what it's called, not reintegration, but this thing where we work on having a solid identity. They say I don't have (DID / OSDD) and I made it up to cope, but I don't have control over it. I don't know. Not my shit to care, I work on symptoms, so it's fine.
My dad's dad died last month and I am 2000 miles away, I knew I was never visiting again when I left. Happens. But I've never... told ANYONE my suspicions. I thought, how could you even begin to mourn something like that, accuse someone of something you don't... even know happened.
But I got a call from my grandma, who was... saying a lot of things like, "Believe your memories. Don't listen to people saying it didn't happen." Just, I don't know... I didn't tell her? But then she told me, that my father showed up drunk, and was shouting, and had to be escorted out. She didn't hear exactly what he said, but she heard one thing, and knew it was similar to texts he apparently sent last year.
Accusing grandpa having some sort of incestuous relationship/abuse (she had said it sort of both ways??? unsure how he said it or if this is, god forbid, something he's started shouting enough that there would be various ways he's said it?) with my aunt, my grandpa's bio daughter.
The worst thing about this is my aunt confided in me before that she was raped when she was a little girl. She didn't remember who as well. I thought it was their uncle, because he abused my dad, and he showed signs of SA trauma. I don't want to defend my grandpa, or say he was innocent, obviously we will never know. But I can't imagine what my aunt thinks. Wonders, knows? But I'll talk to her soon.
But... well, is this a projection? If he was hurt by his dad, it could just be that, and he might have SA trauma even if it's not his dad. But could this be a projection for us? I have lived in shame and (recovering from) addiction since I was 22 and these sort of... thoughts started to come up. I have 0 memory of any real rape, I know I WAS molested when I was 8, I DO remember that. My trauma could just be that. But I don't know what to think, and now it seems my family knows (thinks) before I know. Has he possibly abused me? Everyone just says, you'll know.
My thoughts and paranoia only confirm my paranoia like, disorder I already know I have. 💀 I don't know what to think or feel, I called off work today because I feel hallow.