Not feeling like I'm a real victim of CSA
Tw:Sibling sexual abuse/assault
I struggle to feel like a real victim of sexual abuse, my older brother (7y older) sexually assaulted me by kissing me, touching my privates parts or looking at me when I was in the shower to "bother" me, with the worst event being when he forced me to strip naked and stay knees on the ground to "punish" me for something (I don't remember what), he then made me watch porn (I was around 13 at the time).
After typing that I realize that it must sound silly to not consider that CSA but since he did it in part because he liked to make me suffer and not for sexual gratification I struggle to see it as real, I know I wouldn't if it was someone else but my brain is stupid when it comes to me I guess, sometimes I wish I got raped so that I wouldn't question that it's real.
I feel pretty bad to think that since it's so insensitive towards people who went through it but the thought/feeling is hard to remove.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this post, maybe some reassurance that it's real and advices on how to deal with this sort of imposter syndrome.
Thanks for reading I don't really have someone that I feel comfortable talking about that so it helps to just share it here