Sent Ex-Bsf letter, thoughts? It's long because I'm a writer :(
I doubt she's ever going to open this or that it even made it to her. I think this was mostly just for me. Still, would you respond if you were her? 😞 I changed all numbers and names/identifiable information but kept in our inside jokes because whatever. Her name isn't Emma. I've never been to South Korea. This letter tells the story of the aftermath of a friendship that died due to long distance, codependency, and grief. Would you be moved? Can you feel our friendship and how much we meant to each other? I get that this is long and no one will read it probably but I just wanna feel less alone so I'm posting it here for commiseration 😞
Hello, Emma.
I still think of you as my sister. That hasn’t changed. Love never dies.
I did things wrong. Many things wrong. And I’m sincerely sorry about all of them. Please send me an email at (EMAIL ADDRESS) for a very thorough apology wherein I go over every single thing I think I did wrong throughout our friendship, but it’s a bit much to send via mail. Billy also has access to a document I wrote a few days after you ended things. There’s a shorter version (one page) and a longer version (five pages). The longer version is linked in the shorter version, and that is what contains my apology breakdown. So, speak to Billy, or to me, if you are interested in that. I really think you should read it. Our situation is complicated, but every word I wrote in those documents is true, despite how I probably sound a bit colder now than I did then (time and additional processing).
You did things wrong, too, though less than I did. I’m not going to point them out in this letter (except for the fact that I sort of do a little), nor did I point them out in any of my aforementioned writing (that’s just me being sad you’re gone and extremely apologetic, which is still true). If you would like to allow me to have closure (excommunicating me without letting me say anything at all was not closure or a breakup, it was a discard) or work toward reconciliation (which I would be open to), then we can discuss them. If we ever do friendship again, we’d need to do it healthier. We’d need to do it with more honest/open communication, realistic expectations (my fault), and boundaries. It is possible, and it is my hope that eventually we can.
I think of you as my little sister. That is permanent. That is not something I am able to change. If you ever need me, I will be there unconditionally. My love and my sisterhood are unchanging, infinite, and unconditional. I have no requirements for commitment. I thought my requirement was “don’t leave,” but you did and I’m still in unrequited sisterhood with you, so it would appear that there truly are no requirements.
I am upset with you. I’m upset that I thought we’d have a conversation and implement healthy boundaries. I’m upset that you didn’t say “you’re stressing me out, can you adjust your expectations, this is hurting me” and that you instead said “I appreciated the friendship while it lasted, goodbye.” You said there would be nothing we could not talk through. I trusted in that, and in you. I believed in you. I do not think that this decision is who you are. I think that your grief put you in survival mode. You are not someone who lets me believe you’re a safe space for two years then discards me like I was just your friend. You said I was your sister, your wifey, your person. You had to reduce me in order to throw me away. You were in acute distress. You said that the grief was ruining your life. I get it. I’d actually missed a dose of my meds the night before it all went wrong, Emma. I wasn’t really in my right mind, though I still have much to apologize for. I cannot emphasize to you enough, however, how little I care about my upset feelings. How small they are next to how much I miss you.
We could come back from this. I am letting you know that the door is open. It is unconditional, though I’d appreciate a conversation about everything that happened at some point. But I won’t demand it. We could just watch Merlin if you want. We do not even have to talk yet. You could send me an email saying, “Merlin in absolute silence? We discuss nothing yet?” and I would say “sure” and we could build from there.
My boyfriend is going to tell you soon (or perhaps he already has) that you two cannot be friends. This is because you traumatized me (it’s okay, I think I traumatized you too, oops) and I am his girlfriend. He cannot hold both of us at the same time right now because it makes me too uncomfortable, and frankly it makes him quite uncomfortable too. We tried it for about two weeks. We tried workshopping a world wherein he and you are friends and I am not your friend. It did not work. I am the one who initially encouraged him to respond to you, Emma. I tried my hardest to be cool about it, but it hurts me too bad to remember that he is allowed in your life and I am not. I was your sister. I was your wifey. I was your person. And now I am an unfortunate memory who is only able to access you via snail mail. I don’t even have your real address. I am mailing this to our old apartment and hoping you receive it then choose to read it. I know that you have my email address, and that we once said that email was still something of an option if we blocked each other on everything else. Do you remember that conversation? You can email me if you want to speak to me again, but I have blocked you on discord. You forgot to block me on LINE. I don’t know if that was intentional or not, but I went ahead and blocked you there so that I wouldn’t be tempted to speak to you.
I love you still. You matter to me still. I care about you still. Unconditionally. Forever. Sister.
Sunflower.
Reconciliation might be awkward. It might be uncomfortable. There may be tears. I wouldn’t get angry or yell. I would be happy to speak to you again. I am willing to have uncomfortable conversations. I am willing to apologize for the myriad of things I did wrong. I am willing to adjust my behavior and do better. This offer does not expire, nor does my love or my sisterhood. We could do it again, but better this time, healthier, less intense. But I will continue to live in your absence, and you will continue to live in mine.
Do not become a lifeless, connectionless mass of meat. You said you would if I ever left you, but we never reviewed the policy for if you ever left me as you maintained that’d be an impossibility until the moment you did it. I do not know if you’ve assumed the autopilot protocol. Billy said you were very pragmatic and brief in your dealings with the friend group, but you were using exclamation points and humor in your interactions with my boyfriend. I only saw your initial message to him, but he told me you’ve been cracking jokes. He doesn’t want to lose you, but your presence in his life burns me and he wants to protect me. I hope you can understand. We could come back from this. We could all come back from this. We could be in Virginia together. We could heal. We could understand that you were grieving and I was off my meds. That it got hard and complicated. That the ending didn’t have to be the end.
My therapist (I got a new one - in person! - sessions started the day you left me) says that I’m very self aware, so let me tell you something: I have PTSD or cPTSD or something from what happened to me when I was 20. When I was abandoned by all my friends when mom almost died. That changed something in me that I failed to properly address and heal, and it led to the attachment issues that fueled my poor behavior, which in turn fueled your conviction of chronic inadequacy. We were, unfortunately, a recipe for disaster and we regularly triggered each other. I am addressing these issues directly in therapy, and I now understand how badly they hurt you, and for that I deeply apologize. I never wanted to push you away or make you anxious or tired. I truly did not understand how you were feeling until you sent me your breakup message. We could’ve had a conversation, Emma, but it is not too late for us and it never will be.
If these are the last words you ever read from me, know this: I love you so much, you’re the best friend I ever had, I’m very sorry for my mistakes, and, most importantly, you’re enough. You’re enough, you’re enough, you’re enough. Do not let terrified girls with attachment issues and unhealed wounds convince you otherwise, and do not forsake human connection either. Fall in love. Make a new friend. Dance. Draw. Research. Laugh at Gaius the Court Physician. You are so much, so much, in the absolute best way. You contain multitudes.
Remember me as the girl who made you muffins before finals and gifted you a seahorse. Who told you you’d never be alone again. Who had a file on you. Who wrote you a soulmate (masc lesbian with too much hair gel). I am more than what I got wrong, and I hope you remember me as the full picture of who I was to you. I was your roommate once. I was the girl you drank coconut rum and blue gatorade with. You liked my singing. We left each other notes on the whiteboard. We played the vocaloid rhythm game. We watched Dancing with the Stars. We hosted functions and attended others. We got Sbarro(‘s). I wrapped myself in a blanket to come to your room and talk to you. I showed you outfits and asked for your opinion. We had roomie debriefs. Remember me as I was before I ever boarded that doomed flight to South Korea that made me overly reliant on you. See me in my tavern wench dress making a drink for Billy.
I’ll always remember you as you were in our very best moments. Swing dancing. Beanbag time. The pool. The swing beneath the tree. We are more than what South Korea, grief, and trauma took away from us. You accidentally triggered my fear of abandonment. I accidentally triggered your fear of inadequacy. We didn’t mean to hurt each other. It is extremely clear to all involved that we loved each other very much. That it was special. And love never dies. And love should be protected. I will meet you halfway if you ever reach out to me again. I will listen and understand better. I will accept “selfish,” inconsistent, wonderful you. I see you.
Here is the emoji I should’ve sent back to you on April 15th: 💜 (I mean it, I was hurting, I’ll always wonder if me not sending it back was your final straw, it is my biggest regret to date)
Here for you forever if you change your mind but getting better for herself,
Lydia