u/Cutepinkglittery

I (30F) am the oldest daughter of low-income immigrant parents and was heavily parentified growing up. My dad has been emotionally abusive, and I’ve spent years in therapy dealing with the impact. It’s been a lot! My two younger sisters (18F and 19F) grew up with that same environment from our dad, along with abandonment from their biological mom. So when they moved out of my dad’s house last week, I was absolutely elated and so proud of them.

For context, my 19-year-old sister “Bethany” is rebellious, bold, sarcastic, and very jokey. She teases people a lot and doesn’t hold back, but she’s also hardworking (she saved about $20k to move out) and very protective of our family. My 18-year-old sister “Sally” is the opposite: very soft-spoken, sweet, and overly expressive with gratitude. My husband gets along really well with Sally and often points out how appreciative she is.

I’m in a stable place financially and wanted to help my sisters get started with their new home, so I bought them about $500 worth of household essentials (pots, pans, cleaning supplies, etc.) as a one-time housewarming gift. This came entirely from my personal savings. After working my whole life to make decent money, $500 from my savings account was less than a fraction of my total saved. It was less than 1%.

My husband (31M), who is currently unemployed and figuring out his next steps, has a very different mindset about money and believes help should only be given when it’s truly “needed.” He has said Bethany shouldn’t accept the gifts/help she doesn’t need and feels she should express more gratitude like Sally does.

Because of this, he’s developed a negative view of Bethany and feels she is ungrateful, rude, and taking advantage of me.

The main issue happened when we were all at my sisters’ new place waiting for furniture to arrive so we could build it together. As we all hung out, my husband asked me, “Have you found the recipes for this week?” (we meal prep together). Bethany responded, “Why can’t YOU do it?” As a playful jab at the husband who can’t choose recipes on his own. She doesn’t really know our dynamic in that sense.

I interpreted this as her usual sarcastic, playful tone, since that’s how she jokes with everyone. I brushed it off. No one else reacted or seemed uncomfortable, and later even my husband’s brother said he thought she was joking. However, my husband took it as disrespect.
He didn’t say anything in the moment, but later at home he told me I should have “corrected” her on the spot. He called her a spoiled brat, said she doesn’t appreciate what we do for her, and claimed I’ve influenced her to have a negative attitude.
The argument escalated when he said he doesn’t want to be around her anymore. This is really difficult for me because family is very important, and I can’t imagine excluding my sister from holidays or major life events. He has also strongly influenced my relationships before and pushed me to cut a friend off, which makes this feel like part of a larger pattern. This truly triggered me again.
To be fair, I can acknowledge that her comment could come off as disrespectful depending on tone. But in the moment, I genuinely didn’t perceive it that way, and neither did anyone else present.
He believes I should have defended him in that moment. I feel like he’s expecting me to police a 19-year-old’s personality over a comment that didn’t seem serious, and using his resentment about finances in his own life to misdirect his anger at my sister, who might just be a little annoying, not a spoiled brat.
AITAH for not defending my husband in that situation?