To those who woke up today in pain....
​
You will find love again. One thing I'm learning for myself is that you can pour everything you have to offer to somebody, and if thats something they dont appreciate, then it has no reflection on you or your ability to love. Someone out there will love you for you, they will love you on your bad days, they will support you in ways you havent felt before, and you will feel safe enough to trust again. Love is hard, nothing on this Earth that is worth it is easy. People may say love is easy when its "real," and while that may be true for some, love requires work to understand them, yourself, and open/honest communication, which doesnt always come naturally or easily. You cannot force someone to do this. You can only control yourself. Re-read that again. You can only control yourself.
My advice (for me too, I'm coming out of 16 years of this cycle of disrespect that has caused me trust and safety issues both with others and my own self- when I mention my side he says how big of a victim I must be eyeroll) is to learn who you are, and keep yourself busy. What do you offer? What did loving them say about you? Stop focusing on them because you are creating neural networks in your brain to continue to focus on them(ie: you are training your brain to think about them even more than when you were with them) and obsess. Spend your time crying for a bit. Let your chest hurt so badly you could puke. Shake, sweat, let yourself imagine the fear of losing them forever and sit in that fear, let it consume you for a few moments....
Then get up. Work out. Meet new people. Force yourself out of your comfort zone because what do you have to lose? You already lost the person you thought you would have forever. I surely did, just like I did the other countless times we broke up over both serious and mundane things. I ugly cried this morning, set a timer for 1 hour for self-help videos and how to deal with the pain while gripping my chest and feeling it in every cell in my body and my very soul. This is the pain of love. I've spent countless hours researching why he did this, or why he did that, or how could I change myself, how could this happen. Truth is, it doesnt matter if hes avoidant, a narcissist, or any other label. He could be Jesus, and he(they, her, whomever) still would leave. Ask yourself, why do you put up with this treatment? Why did you allow yourself to pour out of your cup into someone who didnt want what was on tap? Why beg them to enjoy your love when they simply dont want it? You need to hard focus on yourself and become obsessed with your growth. Not to prove a point, but to genuinely give yourself the love you have been out sourcing to someone else. In the end, if they are mirroring you and you loved them, you actually loved yourself. It's very mind boggling. Love yourself the way you love others. Spend time alone and gain trust and confidence in your own abilities. You can do it, there are so many people on this planet who go through heartbreak, loss, sickness, depression, war, famine. There is no ending to suffering. You will likely feel heartbreak again through one or many of those factors. It's painful, but natural.
Stop trying to figure it out. Most people, especially "avoidants" dont care to change or figure it out themselves, truthfully. Mine told me he shouldnt have to change at all for a relationship, which fundamentally goes against my belief of people grow and change together over time in a healthy one that progresses together. That doesnt mean perfection, that doesnt mean that you or they wont make mistakes, its being accountable for the mistakes made and showing up every day with new learned experiences, and making your actions match your words. Lord knows I was not perfect, I was(and still am)anxious, perhaps controlling at times regardless of intention, seeking validation through him, and safety and connection from the one who caused me to bleed. When you feel whole as a person, you will not be trying to shove others into the holes in your own heart, especially when they dont fit, and especially when they cause (some of) the holes. They may have hurt you, but they are not the entire source of your pain. It is deeper than that.
Ask yourself what your biggest fears are and face them directly. Journal. Ask for help if you need to, from friends, family, or other professional support networks. Nobody can save you but you in the end. If you decide to run, no matter where you go, you will be there. Stand up for yourself, your inner child is hurting, protect them and love them the way you wish you were treated. You will wake up every day with yourself until you no longer wake up. People come and go in your life, jobs come and go, pets come and go. Life moves forward always, you will never revisit yesterday, it is just a memory now. One day, millions or billions of years from now the sun will expand consuming the first two planets, fry the Earth then explode into a black hole consuming everything this planet once was or would ever be and all essence of our solar system. All fossils, all life, all gas planets, all that ever was or would be, gone. In my situation, I (oddly) look at old gravestones in old forgotten graveyards and imagine what their lives looked like, who were they, and it reminds me that the ending is always the same. You are here now, and one day you will not be. Change is terrifying. It can also be the push you need. Nothing is infinite. Accepting is the hardest part. Focus on yourself, rewire your brain for yourself.
For women: You want to be chased, shown love, have him choose you, but how can you do that when you are up in his business? What is there to even chase if he knows it all? You dont need to be disconnected, you need to be focused on yourself. Look to nature, do females chase males? You want to be that beautiful, graceful gazelle but chase him like a lion. Everybody needs space, you will attract safe people when you are whole. You will be picked off if you are weak, you need to focus on your own beautiful qualities and someone who matches your own speed and energy will come.
For men(I'm a woman so take this with a grain of salt): you are chasing someone you are not meant to chase. You want to show up for her, love her, protect her, prove to her how you are worthy of her attention, love, and admiration. Using the same analogy, you are a majestic lion trying to keep up with a gazelle. Why are you chasing someone you cannot catch? They will run faster for longer and you will tire yourself out trying to match that speed and eventually starve. If she runs away, she runs away. Let her go and focus on what you can do for yourself, look at your own strengths, and the one that matches your strength will come.
Main point from all that: Focus on yourself and your own strengths and qualities, and the right one will come along. And if not, you will be strong enough to stand on your own two feet, and get back up when life knocks you down.