Struggling to see a way forward
I'm not sure anyone will see this. It's a step above just screaming into the void. My husband and I are both really struggling right now. Our relationship itself feels solid, and we both often comment that having each other is the only thing that keeps us putting one foot in front of the other. But we are both miserable in every way outside of this.
I'm struggling with my health. It's been a frustrating process of trying to get ahead of things with my health care providers, but feeling no sense of urgency from them and watching myself deteriorate further and further and feel weaker and unhealthier day by day. I am completely exhausted, and I feel so defeated.
My job has also become absolutely awful. I started there because I was promised remote, and it was a good career that could connect me with my community and help those in need, and feel good about my contributions to the world instead of making some rich guy richer. At first, it was a dream job. Then, things started getting worse for employees in many ways. Fully remote was taken away, I got medical accomodation because I live far from the office and my health and anxiety would make it so difficult to do in person, losing 2 or more hours on commute a day. That was almost a year ago. I have to be reassessed again in a month, and im terrified it won't go my way.
I even got promoted a year and a half ago, and I'm up for a potential second promotion. We are extremely short staffed, and I'm increasingly burnt out. Our department has so few staff we can barely keep up with our programs. I'm constantly struggling to run our programs while also putting out fires and being sent down side quests. Help isn't coming. They refuse to give us more staff.
I feel so angry for pushing myself to be good at my job and take on more responsibility, because now my boss wants to dissolve my position and have me apply for a promotion and take on even more responsibility. I know I will get the job when I apply but I don't even have the option not to because once the new position is hired there's no backfill since they won't let us hire more people. ( My boss is also very burnt out, and we commiserate about how awful we are being treated by the higher-ups. She's on my side but hands are tied.) I feel like everything is going to fail.
I feel there's more bad news coming, and I'm so on edge these days. I cry all the time.
My husband is in a similar position at work and is entirely burnt out himself at his job. He's been at his company for 25 years, and they treat him like a second thought while simultaneously relying on him for everything. He feels totally taken advantage of. We both do.
The job market is completely saturated right now, and with my health increasingly deteriorating I don't feel switching employment is the right move right now, perhaps for my husband but I personally don't think I could handle the stress right now. We don't have the money for me to take time off, and we can not move because my husband's daughter lives here. Plus, we really don't want to lose our home in this market.
This was the first time in my life that I pushed myself to be better, believing I could be a success and have a peaceful life. I was finally putting myself first, and it felt like it all backfired. I was doing everything in my power to look after myself and be kind to myself and realize my worth (I got a divorce from a cheating ex, ended toxic friendships, got out of a different toxic workplace, do my best to eat healthy and move my body, went to therapy, regular doctor visits etc.) and the universe just pushed back and told me to fuck off that I can't have joy.
I guess I don't really know why I'm on here or what I'm looking for. I guess I just wanna know if it's gonna get better. Are we gonna be okay? We're both so unhappy. But I don't know what to do. Is there any guidance or advice that anyone can see for us as a way forward. Or anything you see at all that might help or mean something. Please i'm desperate. Thank you for hearing me.