AITA Because I won’t see a psychologist?
⚠️TW self harm, suicidal thoughts and people passing away⚠️
If anyone reads this and thinks you know who it is please don’t say names and message me I’d like to stay anonymous as I’m posting this here to ask for advice and probably need some home truths from outsiders.
Since I was young and I mean from the age of 4-18 all I have ever done is talk to councillors and psychologists and psychiatrists. This was due to the fact that I lost my dad at a young age and was dragged through court family custody battle between my mum and my dad’s side of the family from when I was about 6 years and lasted until I was 12. During the ages of 12-18 I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and was later diagnosed with type II bipolar which I am medicated for (however the diagnosis information was withheld from me by my psychiatrist and mum and at the time my high school year level coordinator) As you can imagine I’ve been on a rollercoaster of a ride in regards to my mental health.
Fast forward to now 27. Recently my mums started seeing this guy who all in all seems like a ok guy but it’s just really weird for me to see her like this. Yes there’s been guys in the past when I was a lot younger but none during the time when I was in my teenage years etc. while I am happy for her I also haven’t really seen her much since this all started which I understand is apart of the whole thing etc and at the end of the day it’s not really my business but I’m sick of it being in my face constantly. I want her to be happy but at the same time I’m not dealing with this very well. Every time she leaves the house I end up bursting into tears and feeling alone. I work is a high demand fast pace job that I love and sometimes I have good and bad days just like everyone and just need someone to talk to like she would talk to me about her days at work.
Since this guy has been around we’ve had major fights to the point I’ve said and done some really nasty things that I wish I could take back. She thinks I need to see a psychologist to find coping mechanisms and I say no. I’m sick of wasting money on talking to shrinks because all I ever did as a kid was talk and talk to strangers that were appointed by the courts and schools ect.
I don’t have a lot of trust in medical professionals due to the fact that a councillor that I used to see was very good friends with my primary school principal, to which she told him that I have a lot of “messed up problems” to which my mum told her to F off because it’s not her place to tell him anything. There were other things she told him but I don’t know the full story of it.
Then fast forward to being referred to a psychiatrist during the usual “I hated high school and Suicidal phase ” and yes I used to self harm. l was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder but wasn’t told this by anyone until I had a major breakdown and I screamed I don’t know why I’m like this during my last year at school only for my mum to tell me my diagnosis. I was crushed, because the more I read about it and learned about it in school the more scared I become. Still am. To say that I was mad at my psych was an understatement I was furious at my psychiatrist and I told her as much. She told me it was to protect myself but if anything that made it worse. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself nor my decision making. When I left high school everything was different. I wasn’t surrounded by bullies, high school mistakes I made and friends. I went into university with a different mindset and was overall happy. I did the wrong thing at the time and cut contact with most of the friends I made at the time to which I wish I didn’t but I was also sick of the fake friendships (not all of my friendships were like this but I felt like I needed a fresh start)
Over the years I’d see my psychiatrist once a month or every couple of months after high school but after covid I just stopped seeing her altogether. I’m still medicated and do take my medication but now I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve become physically violent to myself that I punch holes in the wall or I physically hurt myself as in physically punching myself in the head or pulling my hair out until I feel pain. I know this is wrong.
I recently saw my GP a couple of months ago because not only is my mental health getting worse but so is my physical health as well, I spoke about everything and what I was doing to myself. I also wanted to get a referral to see another psychiatrist because I believe that I was misdiagnosed but he then said he’d refer me back to my old psychiatrist and said that sometimes people are misdiagnosed and other symptoms come out later over a span of so many years. I said no because if I did she probably wouldn’t tell me what was wrong with me and I wanted to see someone else. He said to call the clinic she used to work at to find out if she’s still there and if she wasn’t then he’d get me a new referral to someone else.
Lastnight my mum and I got into a huge argument about this new guy she’s seeing to the point that I took my anger out on bedroom wall. I was annoyed that I didn’t get to spend any time with my mum over the weekend because she was to busy hanging out with her new guy. My mum has been my rock and my best friend throughout my whole life because of everything that we went through
but I know something needs to change. I know I’m the one at fault and I’m the problem but when I said to her why didn’t you have more guys around when I was younger she told me if she did I would become psycho. And that really hurt. It hurt because deep down I know it’s true. I know I should seek medical help but I’m done talking to people. Which is funny because here I am airing out my dirty laundry for the whole world to see and pass judgment on. I know I’m an asshole and some other choices words that I called myself last-night.
I can’t move out because I own the house we live in and both of us wouldn’t be able to afford living separately. We have a little farm full of animals, dogs, cats, horses etc and wouldn’t nor could I bare to part with them.
It’s hard for me to talk to friends about it because most of my friends only became friends with me to become friends with my mum because she was the cool mum” growing up. I feel very lonely and vulnerable right now that I feel like I’m slowly sinking under water and I just want to end it all because I’m sick of my head being the way it is. I know I should seek help but I’m over talking to professionals about it.