u/DK_2700

This is gonna be really long and rambly, sorry in advance

I've (30, M) never had a real relationship. I was romantically involved with a friend shortly after high school but I don't really count it because she was clearly doing it out of pity for me. I'm also kind of involved with someone online but it's... complicated (long story short our mutual feelings for each other are on the table but even though they are poly they can't take on another relationship atm)

I'm painfully lonely all the time even though I try my hardest to find someone. I really try not to act like it's out of my control but a lot of the time it really feels like I just have too many handicaps when it comes to this. I'm on disability and I don't work, so I'm not able to meet anyone that way. I also don't go to bars/clubs because 1) I don't don't like to drink 2) I'm an autistic introvert 3) I'm not able to drive. Even once I do learn to drive I don't know where I would even go to find someone. People have given me the advice of getting involved with a community with the goal of not finding a relationship but to form platonic bonds and just let things happen from there. I have basically the same problems with that as before- I don't know the first place to look for something like that. Closest thing I have to that is the local theater troupe I've become involved with recently, but, I don't know if it has to do with me being autistic, but I find it so confusing and contradictory to join a group and try to become romantically involved with them when we're all there for something completely different. Like, we're all there for acting, why would I want to trouble someone by trying to get romantically involved with them? I really hope I'm making sense...

Furthmore, while I really do appreciate the sentiment of focusing on forming authentic, platonic bonds before moving on to romantic ones, that leads into another problem I have- I'm morbidly obese. Even though in recent years I've taken considerable steps to try and lose weight for my health, it's clear I will never be fit or skinny or even "just overweight", and I fear the damage may already be done to my body and I, like most other people my size, don't have a lot of time left in this world. Simply put, I don't wanna waste what little time I have trying to form relationships that won't be what I'm looking for.

All I can think of to do is try using dating apps, but despite trying dozens of them for my entire adult life, I've had zero luck. Despite all my flaws and issues I try to present myself as authentic and confident and polite as I can, but still, nothing. My whole life I've been taught to be authentic and true to myself but at this point I don't know how I'm going to find someone without lying about my personality and interests and straight up settling. Yeah it would be pretty shitty of me to do but again, I just don't know what I can do at this point. (Side-note: In recent years my mind has been opened to polyamory, so I find it funny that even though I can't get a single relationship, here I am being greedy and thinking about having multiple.)

I really don't wanna be grim or overdramatic but I'm really really afraid of dying alone.

There's also plenty of sexual issues that could get in the way of me forming/keeping a relationship, but I'm sure I've already made my point without getting into all that.

I really don't wanna be a woe-is-me, sorry-for-myself, general "incel" type of guy, but it sometimes feels like I just have way too many obstacles in my way to achieve a genuine relationship. Hence why I'm here. My hopes honestly aren't too high but I'm a desperate man with nothing to lose.