Why does love have prerequisites
I am just damn tired. I have accepted living alone. I go to cafes, restaurants and movies alone but it just hurts so damn much when I think about love. I want someone to go to cafes with, I want someone to hold hands and walk in the night, I just want someone to give a damn about me. I am freaking 25 now. I was in a relationship with a girl for nearly 2 years. I gave her my everything but there comes a point where your feelings are just crushed, grinded into non-existence. In front of our friends, she would act all lovey-dovey but when we were alone together, she would need her me-time and other times, she would just say she was busy. Things turned sour within the first 6 months when I had to be "understanding" about her wanting to go meet her bestfriend when I was planning our first date. Forget about her, she doesnt matter. I want someone to ask me how am I, I want someone to ask about my day and it turns out there's a set of things you need to have to even be up for consideration for love. You need to be fit, you need to be handsome, you need to be intelligent, have emotional maturity, earn well, be understanding and what not and apparently everyone ticks those boxes and I dont. I have tried online dating, I have tried going outside to meet other people and have regular activities but when people dont even consider you as someone who they might have a relationship with, they treat you differently. I was talking with a girl recently from a dating app. She came over to my house and then left after 3 hours with a lame excuse. I had told her that I was fat. I had sent her my picture and told her about my insecurity regarding the matter as well. She told me she didnt mind it. That was still fine with me, maybe she didnt like my personality. That's okay. She reduced talking to me a lot and I told her after 3 days that we dont need to talk, just tell me if you dont want to talk. I told her it's okay and I wont have any negative feelings regarding the matter but she said that it's not because of me but her work and she's busy. I had heard this a billion times in my past relationship but I still said okay ( gone with the wind, my self respect ). 4 days after and still no texts is when I finally gave up. Noone is that busy that they react "😂" to 5 messages in a whole day. I dont know what to do. I am just so frickin done with life. My dreams died a long time ago. Hopes for the futures - I have none. The only reason I still go on living is because there's noone to look after my parents after me. That's the only reason. It's not that I dont try to have hobbies, I do. I take care of my plants. I am learning to paint, consume media like anything. I used to like playing video games, going on walks, swimming but nothing interests me anymore. All I can think of is for the day to end so that I can sleep on weekdays and get some alcohol to drink myself to sleep on the weekends. I do have friends, close ones but I dont want to talk to them. I tried therapy - didnt see the point. I told them everything and I just got validated that "yes it must be tough". I frickin know it's tough, that's why I came to therapy! I dont even know why I am ranting here. I just want this to end. Run some frickin commercials in my life, give me an autopilot, I just want to stop being control of my life. Let someone else have it, I am done.