I feel just so empty
Ive been lying constantly for no reason for years at this point, it has ruined my relationships. I dont know why i do it, most of the time its for things that genuinely wouldnt help to lie about. Im so fucking insecure about everything about me. I feel like im just isolated from anyone i know at this point. Im ashamed of everything i represent, im ashamed of my own thoughts, im ashamed of my actions, but i just cant fucking stop. Ive tried, time and time again. I feel like ive never been truly friends with people when we pass the "shared interests" stage of the relationship. I cling onto people as hard as i can, and i feel so bad for it. I dont know what to do with my life. I cope by fucking NSFW shit, and it makes me so sick every time. I hate porn. I hate it so fucking much. But my body just makes me consume it anyways. I feel so disgusting and hideous. And the worst part? I cant even go to a therapist, because im in a country where being gay is a crime against humanity, and the therapists i went to arent even good!
I just need help. I dont know how to get out of this massive pit i keep spiraling further into.
I just feel so powerless.