u/DadDoomedDinner

I overheard one of my friends talking to his mom on the phone. The phone was on loudspeaker.

"Are you with her right now? I can hear you're not alone."

"I'm at Ryan's place, mom. It's literally just us."

"Put Ryan on the phone. He'll tell me who the pink haired girl is."

"She's just someone I was talking to. We're practically still strangers."

"The two of you didn't look like strangers on Instagram. She was looking at you like I look at your father whenever he looks over his shoulder to reverse out of the driveway. That man has no idea how attractive he is when he's focused."

"You need to stop spying on my Instagram, mom."

"I have better things to do than to monitor your social media. Your sister showed me your Instagram post and said the girl with the pink hair was your new girlfriend. I just wanted to congratulate my no longer single son and let him know that I look forward to meeting his new girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend, mom."

"I would love little pink haired grandchildren."

I'm saying goodbye now, mom. I love you."

"Love you too, honey. To be continued."

I overheard my friends unpacking our recent night out.

"Did you and pink haired girl smash?"

"No"

"You telling me the two of you disappeared together and didn't smash?"

"Yes"

"So you didn't get to see if the carpet matched the drapes?"

"Something tells me she didn't have pink pubes bro."

"She friendzoned you didn't she?"

"I can't be friendzoned."

"This fucking guy. Dude, anyone can be friendzoned."

"Okay, then I'm officially friendzoning you."

"That's not how it works. You can't friendzone your friend."

"You just said anyone can friendzone anyone."

"I'm not someone you wanted to fuck though."

"Hence the friendzone."

"You know what, Matt, fuck off. I'm getting another beer."

I overheard my friends while we were using the urinal.

"What's your secret bro?"

"Secret?"

"The girl with the pink hair. She wants you bro. How do you keep getting like the hottest fucking girls? I know it's not the size of your dick."

"Fuck you bro."

"But seriously, what the fuck are you doing that I'm not because I'm out here starving bruv."

"I don't have any game bro, so I dunno what to tell you. I have no intentions or expectations when I approach girls, other than to have a good conversation with a person who's probably more interesting than I am."

We were washing our hands at this point...

"Good conversation with a person who happens to be hot..."

"Dude, fun fact, it's okay to just talk to girls without making your dick a supporting character."