Me: *in my front yard petting my cat*
*neighbors car (red Honda hatchback) pulls up across the street and woman gets out*
Woman: “oh my god! I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun with my clothes on! Woohoo!”
Me: *laughing* “that’s awesome you just made my day I love that for you”
Woman: “my car broke down and *neighbor* let me borrow hers, it’s a sporty little car! Doesn’t look like it but that thing can fly!!”
I overheard a dad and his son in the park.
Son: Those boys are kissing!
Dad: Don't point.
Son: His hand is on his butt.
Dad: Yes, I see. Now look away.
Son: Can I kiss other boys too?
Dad: When you're older.
Son: Josh kisses other boys and we're almost the same age.
Dad: Your brother is 7 years older than you, so the two of you are not quite the same age, but I hear you, he's still a kid, even though he likes to believe he's not.
Son: So I can kiss boys when I'm 7 years older?
Dad: If you feel like kissing boys in 7 years, then we can talk about it, but for now, no kissing your buddies okay?
Son: Okay.
Dad: Did you actually see Josh kiss another boy?
Son: Yeah.
Dad: Did he see you?
Son: Yeah.
Dad: Did he stop when he saw you?
Son: Yeah.
Dad: Did he say anything to you?
Son: Yeah.
Dad: What did he say?
Son: He said go play outside.
Dad: Are you sure you saw your brother with another boy?
Son: He was kissing Sam.
Dad: SAM? Wow. Okay. Well, at least your brother has good taste. Sam is not a bad looking young man. I like him.
Son: Me too! He calls me "bruv."
Overheard a woman repeating this to herself on the train.
Overheard from a drunk guy on the bus
I overheard a groomsman talking to a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding rehearsal.
Groomsman: She just texted back.
Bridesmaid: What's the verdict?
Groomsman: "You're a sweet guy, but I don't think we're compatible. I'm sorry. Thanks for dinner though."
Bridesmaid: Sorry dude.
Groomsman: Aw man. I really thought I'd at least make it to date 2. Now I need to cancel my reservation for tonight.
Bridesmaid: You don't have to cancel. I'm available tonight if you want company.
Groomsman: I just texted her a crying face emoji. Is that too much?
Bridesmaid: I'm beginning to see why there's no second date.
Groomsman: Ouch.
Waiting on a train platform...there is a little kid next to me and her dad said shall we have a picnic in the garden tomorrow for your birthday...she answers will I be six then?
He says no you only turned five yesterday.
She looks serious and replies...but I don't have to go back to being four....🤣🤣
and if you are still feeling sad I HAVE SOME WEIRD QUOTES I HEARD IN THE HALLWAY FOR YOU
HERE THEY ARE
these arent for the forms btw these are to make you smile
YOUR SMILE IS BEAUTIFUL
anyway tadaaaaaaaa:
#1 - person 1 "EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE HORSES THEY ARE mAjEsTiC"
person 2 "horses are so EDIBLE"
#2 - person 1 "did you hear that joke about the ice cream"
person 2 "no tell me"
person 1 (leans close to person 2) "teeheehee michael jackson bing bong" (runs away)
person 2 "oh f*ck you [name]"
#3 - person 1 "imagine being named [name]"
random person walking by "hey im named [name]"
person 2 "no youre not [other name]"
#4 - person 1 "lean closer"
person 2 (leans)
person 1 "closer"
person 2 (leans)
person 1 "listen"
[awkward silence for like 5 minutes]
person 2 "i dont hear anything"
person 1 "[coughs in person 2's face]"
person 2 "HOLY SH*T THAT IS F*CKING DISGUSTING WHAT THE F*CK"
#5 - "DiD sOmEbOdY sAy BrUsSeLs SpRoUtS??"
#6 - "are you being a pHoNy BaLoNeY?"
#7 - person 1 "you are being a snobby snobbington and i dont think i want to be your friend anymore"
person 2 "d-did you just call me a snobby snobbington"
person 1 ".........................................yes"
#8 - person 1 "madam would you give me the honor of this dance"
person 2 "no"
person 1 "thank god"
#9 - person 1 "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey look bestie forestie youre being lowkey skibidi rizz right now and idk if i wanna date you anymore for real for real"
person 2 "if youre gonna talk like that then i dont wanna date you either"
person 1 "sigma"
#10 - (this ones from latin class i think)
person 1 "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm asparagus"
person 2 "asparagus your mom"
person 1 "omg fork you"
person 3 "fork your mom"
person 1 "COME ON MAN"
person 4 "yeah guys lay off of [person 1]"
person 2 "...............................................................LAY OFF YO--" (all 3 people clap their hands over person 2's mouth as teacher walks by)
#11 - (after tap dancing for like 5 minutes) "razzle dazzle ha-cha WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE" (falls down and crawls away)
#12 - (a teacher said this after someone was caught being on games) "well shine my shoelaces and call me a pigeon, it seems [name] over here didnt get the MEMO that we're doing MATHIES right now, HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM????????" (this ones my favorite)
#13 - "EEK HES TOUCHING MY PAPER TEACHER TEACHER"
#14 - person 1 "did you see my new playlist on spotify"
person 2 "no" (checks phone) "[person 1's name] why the f*ck is it called the oogly boogly playlist"
person 1 "because you listen to it while you do the oogly boogly dance"
person 2 "do i even want to know what the oogly boogly dance is"
person 1 "allow me to demonstrate" (gets on the ground and does the worm)
teacher walking by "[person 1] get your ass of the ground and go to class"
person 1 "yes maam" (slithers away) (THIS WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY BTW)
#15 - (teacher after witnessing two students having a fight about whether vaseline is edible) "well i suppose the only way to prove either of you right is for one of you to eat it"
#16 - "OH MY GOOD GOLLY GOSH DARNED GOOBERNICKEL PICKLE"
#17 - "do you have a problem with women in your workspace?"
#18 - person 1 "hey watch this"
person 2 "ok"
person 1 (falls out of chair)
person 2 (raises hand) "[teacher] can i switch seats"
OK THATS IT
I overheard my housemates in the bathroom this morning. Based on the sounds I was hearing, one was brushing teeth and the other was peeing. I was testing out my gopro camera before hooking it up to my helmet and accidently captured some of their conversation in the background.
Pee guy: Dude, take it from someone who lost his girlfriend because of a threesome, it's not for everyone. Also threesomes are overrated bro. You don't need to team up with another person to please each other. Fuck the other person. Not literally. But you know what I mean.
Teeth guy: That's the thing though. I didn't fuck the other person because he was a guy and I'm not gay. Our primary objective was my girlfriend's pleasure. That's what made the experience so hot. The fact that we're borderline overstimulating my girlfriend in a way that I could never do on my own.
Pee guy: Can you please make some room so I can wash my hands? You do know you don't actually have to look at yourself in the mirror to brush your teeth?
Teeth guy: You do it too bro, so don't even start with that shit.
Pee guy: Okay so you spit roasted your girlfriend and you all lived happily ever after. Why are you complaining?
Teeth guy: There was a moment towards the end when the other guy was inside my girlfriend and he looked directly at me. I already came at that point, and I thought I was done, but then I kinda got hard again watching the other guy fuck while he's watching me.
Pee guy: And?
Teeth guy: And nothing. I mean, that's it. But like... what does it mean?
Pee guy: It means you're gay as fuck.
Teeth guy: Duuuude. Seriously?
Pee guy: I'm fucking with you bro. You might be a little bi, I dunno, but I think what happened was nothing more than an unexpectedly intimate moment between you and Temu you that both of you were obviously into. Let it be. Don't overthink it.
Teeth guy: Okay.
Pee guy: You're gonna overthink it aren't you?
Teeth guy: Yeah.
He: If we're gonna be friends... I think we gotta... we gotta establish some ground rules.
Her: Some ground rules?
He: Yeah, some ground rules.
Her: huhhumm..(mild laugh)
He: Like that.
Her: Like what?
He: That laugh. That laugh. That's off the table.
Her: My laugh is off the table?
He: Off the table. You gotta figure out a more annoying laugh.
Her: (Tries an annoying laugh)hahahahaaah.. hahahhaa..
He: That's still adorable.
Her:That was not adorable..
Local grocery story parking lot, 20ish man to excited boy. “…Right? We were in it when it was on fire and Uncle Jesse said, ‘I’m gonna keep on driving’ and we said ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea…’
I have no clue, but it put all kinds of scenarios in my head
Edit to add: they didn’t seem terrified, more excited and entertained by whatever had happened. But sometimes people don’t have the sense to be scared…
I overheard one of my coworkers giving the new intern a tour of the office. They're both women if that matters.
Coworker: That's the main boardroom. Warning, never be the first person to enter because you literally need to lean against that glass door with your whole body before it actually opens. Many have been in that position and most of them now get mocked. Isn't that right, Ian?
Ian: Good morning to you too, Rachel.
Coworker: Ian is our IT guy and a proud OnlyFans subscriber.
Ian: Not today, Satan.
Intern: Then Ian must have seen some of my videos.
Ian: Wait what?
Intern: Bad joke. Sorry. I'm not using OnlyFans.
Coworker: She was joking, Ian. Keep your pants on.
Ian: I'm just existing. What the heck.
Back to the intern...
Coworker: On that note, stay away from the unisex bathroom, especially during office parties.
Intern: Why?
Coworker: It smells like semen.
Intern: Wow okay.
I overheard what looked like twin sisters in the frozen food section.
Sister:
He's 35 years old.
Other sister:
So?
Sister:
A 35 year old virgin man. What does that tell you?
Other sister:
Literally nothing. That's why you're going on a date with him, so you can get to know him and hopefully understand him, which might lead to his virginity making more sense to you.
Sister:
I'm gonna cancel. Being a virgin at that age feels like baggage. Like, not to sound mean, but how the fuck did he have zero sex for 3 decades?
Other sister:
Well, to be fair, he was basically a baby for the first decade.
Sister:
And now he's a grown ass man who still needs someone to teach him about the birds and the bees. Yeah, you know what, I actually can't, I'm sorry.
Other sister:
Okay, I'll take him.
Sister:
You suddenly into virgins now?
Other sister:
I mean... he's an attractive virgin.
Sister:
He's still MY attractive virgin. I didn't cancel the date yet.
Other sister:
Good. I think you should keep it that way. Okay. Now help me look for gluten free ice cream.
Employee: Good morning sir, how are you doing?
Customer: Fat and Sassy! How are you?
e: Post*-pandemic, not pre-pandemic.
It's noisy, but I'm sitting close enough a round table. I hear things like:
"I've never seen anyone do that"
"What the heck man"
"I mean . . . I guess?"
Then:
"Jess, you say women can only wear cropped shirts if they're our age. Will, you say don't talk to people who wear the wrong colors on game day. You don't take tests without your lucky bracelet."
Someone at the table is pointing around. I was sneaking glances, but now I'm staring.
Purple sweater guy: "You don't talk to people who like cars. You insist on the same Bad Bunny song when we pregame. You insist on the same Drake song. You don't talk to men who don't approach . . ."
He puts his hand to his forehead, elbow on table.
"Sam's . . . _allowed_ to eat cereal with two bowls."
I look at the table. Guy next to him is eating cerealwith milk in one bowl and the cereal in a separate bowl.
Another guy: "It's still weird"
Sam: "Yeah it is"
Purple: "It's _so_ weird"
Another gal: "Yeah we all are"
I'm sure I caught one other person eavesdropping and making a "not bad" face.
Just a random conversation between two girls in their late teens or early twenties.
No idea of the context that's all I heard as they walked past.
I overheard two woman talking in the elevator.
"Did you have a good weekend, love?"
"I was part of an impromptu intervention, so not really. My husband and his ex wife looked at the cost of rehab and was like maybe a group of grownups can just gang up on a drug addicted teenage boy, aka my stepson, and talk him into staying clean."
"I'm sorry, love."
"How was your weekend?"
"It was my birthday on Saturday, but my husband had no fucking idea."
"Doesn't he have dementia?"
"Dementia my ass."
Nurse: what brings you in today?
OM: I fell pushing a golf cart and I think I broke my rib.
Nurse: Did this happen today?
OM: No, 3 days ago.
Nurse: Do you have any known allergies?
OM: Just women.
"It's like getting to fuck the hottest woman in the world, and then right before you nut, you pull your dick out and just shoot the head off. [mimes handgun]"
This nosey bitch slowed waaay down, bc I had to know more about this fuck up...
"Even when we talk about it, even the good parts, nobody, not now and not in fucking lockdown, is willing to rewatch any of it, that's how bad they fucked up."
Oh. Gave a knowing nod and moved along.
Overheard my roommates while we were waiting for our pizza to be delivered. I was actually recording a voice note for my friend when this conversation happened in the background...
Roommate 1: Bro, ask my girlfriend. I'm being dead fucking serious. We did a whole reenactment of your night with toothpaste girl.
Roommate 2: Please don't call her toothpaste girl. You know her fucking name bro.
Roommate 1: My girlfriend was wearing underwear and a top. That's all. Just like toothpaste girl.
Roommate 2: Fuck you.
Roommate 1: I was wearing boxers and a SpongeBob t-shirt.
Roommate 2: Did you take my SpongeBob t-shirt out of the fucking laundry?
Roommate 1: Yes. For science.
Roommate 2: Duuuude, that's so gross, even for you.
Roommate 1: My girlfriend "accidentally" got toothpaste on her panties, so naturally she had no other choice but to get into my bed without wearing anything to cover the bottom half of her body.
Roommate 2: The toothpaste thing didn't actually happen. I told you.
Roommate 1: But you didn't know that at the time though.
Roommate 2: Okay. So I take it you were me in this situation.
Roommate 1: Yes. And guess what? Just like you, I didn't fuck toothpaste girl.
Roommate 2: You expect me to believe you didn't touch your girlfriend?
Roommate 1: You did nothing, so I did nothing, and you know what, it was fucking hard bro. I actually don't know how you did it. I had a boner, not gonna lie, which means you must have had one too. Right?
Roommate 2: No comment.
Roommate 1: Boring. By the way, my girlfriend's underwear smells like fresh breath now.
Roommate 2: And my SpongeBob t-shirt probably smells like you now.
Roommate 1: That's the smell of missed opportunity.