u/ItCumsAtNoon

I overheard my gf and her friend Stacy in the cinema while we waited for the movie to start. We were early. Like, the screen was still black and the cinema was empty kinda early.

Stacy: My first time was during an episode of the X-Files. My dad was downstairs, drinking and watching TV. He usually binge watched the X-Files during his weekend benders. I could hear that creepy ass theme song playing while my boyfriend at the time... bless that boy... was trying to put it in. I remember thinking... despite all the porn he watched, all the vaginal close ups and penetration shots he saw, he was still unprepared for how low the location of the hole actually is. Now to be fair, I should've given him a helping hand since I knew the directions and he obviously didn't, but honestly, I was too busy counting all the pimples on his chest. I never saw him naked before, so the acne orgy was kinda unexpected. My eyes had to adjust.

Girlfriend: Yep... I think the edibles are kicking in.

Stacy: No wonder you're so quiet.

Girlfriend: No I mean for you.

Stacy: Do I sound different?

Girlfriend: Not different. Just... comfortable.

Stacy: I need to shut up, don't I?

Girlfriend: Not now. Maybe when the movie starts.

Stacy: Why the f am I even talking about my virginity?

Girlfriend: We heard a random guy in the queue answer his phone and his ringtone was the X-Files theme song.

Stacy: Ooooooh... turtleneck dude... forgot about him.

Girlfriend: Oh yeah? So soon? It only happened like 15 minutes ago.

Stacy: Hmm... my first time was not even 15 minutes. I should've popped one of his pimples because he was not popping anything I wanted him to pop if you know I mean.

I overheard my gf talking to her friend Stacy in my car.

Stacy: Don't get me wrong, I love children, I love teaching, but some of the kids in my class are boss level threats to my blood pressure. Yesterday I actually made a little boy cry because I apparently scared Boogers, his imaginary friend, whose ears inexplicably fall off whenever it gets a fright. Do you know how difficult it is to look for an invisible pair of nonexistent ears?

Girlfriend: I can only imagine. Is Boogers okay? Did you find the ears?

Stacy: Boogers is not okay. Boogers is never okay. Boogers is always scared. But yes, we did manage to find the ears. Not that it made a difference. Because I learned that Boogers cannot reattach his ears. Boogers needs to grow new ears. But the regeneration of ears can only happen if the thing that scared Boogers somehow became unscary. And since I was the scary thing in this situation, I had to figure out how to befriend Boogers... which I did... eventually... after belly laughing in front of the class to show Boogers what a happy human I was.

Girlfriend: You wanna swap imaginary ears for work emails?

Stacy: Nope. Boogers is my bitch.

I overheard a woman talking to the manager of a restaurant.

Woman: Are you the manager?

Manager: Yes. Britney.

Woman: Melissa. I called about my son, Richard.

Manager: Oh yes! You're here for his retainer.

Woman: I am so sorry it became your responsibility to keep it safe.

Manager: It's okay.

Woman: No, Britney, it's not okay. My son should've remembered to put his retainer back into his mouth. Not leave it behind and make it other people's problem. If he's grown up enough to go on dates, then he should be responsible enough to take care of his teeth, especially if he plans to go on more dates. Please tell me he didn't leave without tipping.

Manager: He actually didn't forget to tip. He was a real gentleman. To his date and to my staff.

Woman: But not to me. I'm just his mother.

Manager: Let me go get Richard's retainer.

Woman: Please do. Thanks, Britney. It better be the last time my son leaves that thing anywhere or else I'll make sure it's the last time he leaves the house to go out with a girl. I'll superglue that retainer to his teeth if I have to.

I overheard a Zoom meeting between my gf and her coworkers. It was actually just between her coworkers. My gf usually keeps her comments at work about work, which is more than I can say about her coworkers lol.

Emma: Just FYI. Jody's not joining us. She's been booked off sick.

Ian: She's not communicating in the group chat like someone who's sick.

Giselle: She's just been texting though. Are you expecting her to like... type the word cough?

Ian: Whenever I'm sick and I text, then my messages don't have the same energy. No banter. No humour. No personality. However, Jody's messages still has her usual bubbly energy, which is great, we love Jody, but if she's apparently not her usual self at the moment because she's not feeling well or whatever, then where does that energy come from?

Giselle: Ian.

Ian: Giselle.

Giselle: Are you implying that you have banter? And humour? And a whole personality? I'm confused. Are you telling me you've actually been sick all this time?

Overheard a phone call between my gf and her brother.

Girlfriend: Why did you call me instead of Oliver?

Brother: Because Oliver and I are no longer friends remember?

Girlfriend: But it's not your hoodie, Tom. Call Oliver or message him and tell him you found his hoodie mixed up with your shit and then ask him what he wants you to do with it. Worst case scenario, nothing happens. Best case scenario, the hoodie gives the two of you another opportunity to repair your damaged relationship.

Brother: Also found his vape inside his pocket.

Girlfriend: So you actually have two items that belong to Oliver. Why are we still talking, Tom?

Brother: We're discussing my options.

Girlfriend: WHAT options? Give Oliver his shit back.

Brother: I didn't know I had the hoodie, and he never mentioned he was missing a hoodie, or a vape, so I feel like it's fair to say that none of these things mean anything to him, especially based on what happened between us.

Girlfriend: "None of these things mean anything to him." Okay. You mean like you?

Brother: If I meant nothing to him, he would've unfollowed me ages ago.

Girlfriend: Maybe he forgot to unfollow you because your online presence mean as little to him as an old hoodie or a used vape.

Brother: Comforting.

Girlfriend: Or maybe he's still following you because he's low key hoping to see his ex buddy with benefits wear his hoodie on IG.

Brother: Calm down. It's not Heated Rivalry.

Girlfriend: Not yet.

Brother: How's Giselle?

Girlfriend: Unavailable. Guess that leaves Oliver.

Brother: I'm gonna give his shit back. Okay? Happy? Is there anything else you wanna sprinkle with gayness?

Girlfriend: Bi-ness. Sprinkle with bi-ness.

Brother: Oh fuck off.

I was in the elevator with 3 other people. One was a middle aged businessman. The other was a 30 something year old woman with glasses. And a tattooed guy in his 20s carrying a big bag of nappies. Based on the awkward silence, it was clear we were all strangers. That being said, the silence was eventually broken and I heard the following...

Businessman: How old's your baby?

Guy: She's 2.

Businessman: They grow up so fast is something we all end up saying at some point. She'll be your age before you know it.

Guy: I want her to be a kid for as long as possible. My age can fucking wait. Shit. Sorry. I didn't mean to swear. Twice! I promise I don't use that kind of language in front of my daughter.

Businessman: My firstborn almost swallowed a magnet once. I remember saying fuck repeatedly that day. I feel like some situations justify swearing in front of children. I look back at that moment and tell myself that was my body's way of verbally expressing how emotionally invested I was in keeping that little magnet muncher alive. In fact, that fucking magnet muncher now says fuck in front of me every time his team loses a game. Anyway, I'm getting out here. Point is... saying a bad word in front of your baby from time to time is not the end of the world. Fatherhood earned you a few fucks. Cheers!

Guy: Bye.

My gf and I went on a double date with her friend Giselle and Giselle's date Ethan. I can't share anything of the date itself because I was always part of the conversation, but I can share what I overheard when all of us shared an Uber on the way home. I was riding shotgun while Ethan was in the back with my gf and Giselle.

Giselle: Okay say it again.

Ethan: Tight mid shot.

Giselle: One more time.

Ethan: Tight mid shot.

Giselle: Okay as you were. But I might ask you to say it again later. TBD.

Girlfriend: Can your ovaries please keep it together? I can practically hear your pussy downloading data.

Giselle: Bitch, nothing sexual is happening. At least not yet. Tight mid shot are words Ethan uses at work. Or am I wrong Ethan?

Ethan: You're not wrong. It basically means I need to film someone from waist to face. That's called a mid shot or a medium shot because it's half of the human body that's in the frame. It becomes a tight mid shot...

Giselle: Oof... yes.

Ethan: ...when I zoom in on my lens or physically shift my camera slightly closer to the subject to offer a mid shot that's maybe an inch or two above the waist. Maybe just below the bellybutton.

Giselle: And that is called a...

Ethan: Tight mid shot.

Girlfriend: Lord Jesus this is gonna be a long ride.

Giselle: Tell her what tucking means.

Ethan:

Giselle: Please.

Ethan: It's when drag queens, I hope that's not offensive, tuck their penises... penii?

Giselle: Penises. Okay pause. How do I know the plural for penis and I don't even have a dick?

Ethan: Because you've seen more penises than I have.

Girlfriend: Facts.

Giselle: Continue.

Ethan: Tucking is when drag queens tuck their penises between their legs to appear flat in front when they're wearing figure hugging outfits.

Girlfriend: And how do you know this information, Ethan? Are you a cameraman by day and a drag queen by night?

Giselle: I actually think you would look amazing in drag. You definitely have the legs for it.

Ethan: No thank you. I filmed drag queens for 9 weeks and I've seen them tuck from literally every angle. Made me appreciate my bulge a bit more.

Giselle: What bulge?

Ethan: You'll see it on a tight close up.

Girlfriend: You two need a fucking room. Good lawd.

I overheard an older woman verbally attacking two teenage girls who were filming themselves dancing in the park. For the record, my gf almost got involved to defend the girls, but she decided to stand down when we heard the conversation play out.

Woman: You wouldn't do this in front of your parents so why do you think it's appropriate do it in public?

Girl 1:

Girl 2:

Woman: Do you think girls your age should even be dancing like that?

Girl 1:

Girl 2:

Woman: Self respect should come naturally. A stranger shouldn't have to spell it out for you. Do you understand?

Girl 1: We understand.

Girl 2: Thank you for your opinion.

Woman: I've been coming to this park since I was a child. I bring my kids here. If you wanna twerk on TikTok, please go somewhere else. This is a family friendly environment.

Girl 1: Is it though?

Girl 2: People sell drugs here now.

Girl 1: And have sex.

Girl 2: And twerk.

Girl 1: And die. Homeless people pass away in this park like all the time.

Girl 2: Do you know what gooning means?

Girl 1: Ask your kids. If they're old enough, they'll know.

Girl 2: Especially if they're boys.

Girl 1: Gooners come here often.

Woman: I've said what I had to say. Have a nice day.

I overheard my gf talking to her brother on the phone.

Girlfriend: I'm sure your buddy can fix anything, but I don't know the guy. I feel more comfortable paying a professional to check out my laptop instead of someone you get high with on weekends.

Brother: You don't have to pay anyone though. My friend will do it for free. For me. He even fixes vibrators. We call him the vag mag. The vagina magician. Or the vadge madge.

Girlfriend: The vag mag is not touching my laptop, Tom.

Brother: Okay. Whatever.

Girlfriend: But thanks though.

Brother: I heard Giselle's no longer single.

Girlfriend: Okay random. That came out of nowhere.

Brother: Is it true? Is she seeing someone?

Girlfriend: She is seeing someone, but technically she's still single. Why are you suddenly interested in Giselle's relationship status?

Brother: Am I not allowed to ask questions about your friends? I just told you something about one of my friends.

Girlfriend: You mean the vadge madge? Yeah... I never asked for that info. In fact, I wish I never knew that shit. But anyway. Giselle is out of your league. Don't make this sad.

Brother: I refuse to believe in leagues when it comes to love.

Girlfriend: LOVE?

Brother: Or lust. You know what I mean. Attraction. Connection. Whatever. Leagues are bullshit. No one is too good for anyone, especially if we're working with looks alone. And don't even get me started on friend zones. Who the fuck made that a thing?

Girlfriend: Valid. But Tom... leagues are definitely a thing when Giselle is involved. Not necessarily looks wise. But in terms of energy. She's a fucking torpedo with titties.

I overheard two guys at the urinal.

Guy 1: Aw fuck. Split stream. Always happens.

Guy 2: Takes me back. My dad used to say quick make a wish before it becomes one.

Guy 1: Didn't you grow up without your dad though?

Guy 2: Oh yeah. My dad and I peed together about a week ago.

Guy 1: I had 2 hours of sleep. Please keep that in mind before you open your mouth. I beg you.

Guy 2: Shit... 2 streams... 2 hours of sleep... maybe that means something.

Guy 1: I also have 2 eyes and 2 balls. Doesn't mean the universe is sending me lottery numbers.

Guy 2: You never know.

We had health care providers at work today. Everyone at the office had the option of getting a free checkup. I was gonna skip the checkup because I had too much work to do, but my coworker convinced me to go with him. Indoor tents were set up. My coworker and I stood in the same queue for the same tent. He went in first. He's a big guy with a big voice, so I heard everything he was saying, even though the tent was closed. I heard the following...

"An HIV test? Is that really necessary, ma'am? I thought you were just gonna check my blood pressure and cholesterol levels. Now my blood pressure is probably gonna go up because I'm thinking of AIDS, which I didn't even know was still a thing to be honest. Do people still get AIDS? Or the clap? When was the last time you heard another human being say the clap? Or syphilis? Anyway, ignore my rant. I think out loud when I'm nervous and then it just comes out as word vomit. How are you, ma'am? How many HIV tests have you done today?"

My gf convinced her friend Giselle to call Ethan, aka Giselle's new love interest, as we were leaving the gym. My gf wanted Giselle to ask Ethan if he would be keen to make his next date with Giselle a group date with us. Giselle put Ethan on loudspeaker in the car. I will share with you the part my gf wanted me to share.

Giselle:

Ethan: Hello?

Giselle:

Ethan: Giselle?

Giselle:

Ethan: Can you hear me?

Giselle: I can hear you.

Ethan: There you are. I think there was an issue with our connection because your voice just disappeared mid sentence.

Giselle: My voice didn't disappear. You were yawning so I stopped talking.

Ethan: Shit. Okay. Uh... I'll just mute myself as soon as another yawn starts loading.

Giselle: Or maybe I'm the one who should be muted because clearly I'm the cause of you yawning.

Ethan: Fuuuuck. You know what? That actually makes a lot of sense. See... I thought I was yawning because it's early as fuck... and I'm still in bed... and I'm not a morning person... and I'm low key half asleep. But... getting an unexpected call from an attractive girl who might be interested in me sounds like a more plausible explanation for my yawning. Hmm. Yeah. I think that's it. Talking to an absolute baddie first thing in the morning can be so fucking boring. Like what the fuck. You know what I mean?

Giselle: I yawned over you. Sorry.

Ethan: Is it too soon to say how much I fucking yawn you?

Giselle: Boy shut up.

I overheard my gf and her friend Giselle at the gym this morning. My gf and I were on exercise bikes while Giselle was struggling to find an angle for her phone so she could film her workout without filming everyone else.

Giselle: Ethan's not a gym guy. He like... rock climbs.

Girlfriend: Okay well there's your third date. Rock climbing.

Giselle: Bitch. No. That man's not seeing me sweat just yet, especially from a low angle.

Girlfriend: Oh I'm sorry. Did Ethan not see you sweat from every fucking angle at the end of your last date?

Giselle: Can we please stop talking about Ethan?

Girlfriend: Did he... or did he not... climb your rocks?

Giselle: Will you... or will you not... shut the fuck up?

Girlfriend: I need clarification. You know I hate cliffhangers.

Giselle: I can't with you and these rock climbing puns. It's too fucking early for dad joke energy.

Girlfriend: Okay but seriously though. Why did you go home with him if you're literally just gonna stay for 10 minutes? And don't fucking start with the bugs again.

Giselle: It was a huge fucking mosquito! I was like... Ethan please kill this thing before it drinks our blood or whatever. Would this motherfucker not look me in the eye and tell me it might be a new species of mosquito and therefore we should be curious not malicious.

Girlfriend: Sounds like he was fucking with you.

Giselle: Bitch that bloodthirsty mosquito is still alive and well. Ethan sends me random videos of it fucking flying around in his apartment. That boy had a whole human all to himself and he chose a fucking insect. Make it make sense honey.

Girlfriend: Whatever Ethan's doing, it's clearly creating chemistry between the two of you. I mean... the man somehow managed to make you jealous of a mosquito. Make THAT make sense.

My friend convinced me to go with him to a local cannabis store because he needed to stock up on weed or whatever. I overheard the following convo between two guys sharing a hookah.

Guy with tattoos: Brother. Listen. Glow in the dark hula hoops yeah? But on shrooms. Trust me bro you'll thank me.

Guy with man bun: Oof. I dunno man. Sounds like overstimulation. I'm a minimalist.

Guy with tattoos: One gram. One hoop. Minimal as fuck.

I overheard my gf talking to her friend Giselle and Giselle's date Ethan on a video call. They were calling from a rooftop bar.

Giselle: Ethan, Allison. Allison, Ethan.

Girlfriend: Nice to meet you, Ethan.

Ethan: Nice to meet you too, Allison.

Giselle: Technically, the two of you still need to meet. This is just the preview of you two meeting in person, not the premiere.

Ethan: Did we set a date yet for the premiere?

Giselle: You need to focus on the date you're on now before you decide to time travel to an unconfirmed future date.

Ethan: Sounds like I'm already confirmed to be in your future though. Or is it just me?

Girlfriend: It's not just you, Ethan. Giselle is low key giving long term.

Giselle: We're getting ahead of ourselves. The night is still very fucking young.

Ethan: No pressure.

Giselle: Oh there will always be pressure to please me. My standards are never standard babe.

Girlfriend: Ethan, don't let her high maintenance act fool you. That bitch got zero standards.

Giselle: Gurrrl... whose side are you on?

Ethan: She's obviously siding with the victim.

Giselle: The victim? You've grown a big pair of balls for someone who's fucking scared of glitter.

Ethan: I'm not scared of anything when I'm looking at you. I'm too distracted.

Girlfriend: Aww...

Giselle: Aww my ass. He's being cute as fuck because he knows he needs to downplay the fact that he just called himself a victim while he's on a date with me.

Ethan: But I am a victim though. A victim of love.

Giselle: Honey that line is gonna haunt you later when you replay this moment in your head.

I overheard a young couple at the optometrist. They were practically whispering, but I was close enough to hear the following...

Guy: It's really fucking bright in here.

Girl: Watch your language.

Guy: Jinkies. It's really darn bright in here.

Girl: You wanna wear my sunglasses?

Guy: No.

Girl: Then stop complaining.

Guy: I'm not complaining. I'm just saying the place that's meant to help us see might be part of the reason we're all going blind.

Girl: Gaming in the middle of the night is the reason your vision is compromised.

Guy: You sound like your mother.

Girl: You mean the woman who's twice your age with perfect vision?

Guy:

Girl: You listening?

Guy: I think that guy's fly is open.

Girl: This is what you wanna waste your remaining eyesight on?

Guy: Yep.

Girl: Stop looking.

Guy: Nope.

I overheard my gf talking to her friend Giselle on the phone.

Giselle: I'm getting another call...

Girlfriend: Okay. To be continued.

Giselle: It's Ethan. I'll call him back.

Girlfriend: Glitter guy! Aww... he misses you.

Giselle: He wants to set up another date.

Girlfriend: Bitch, so do you! Let's not pretend you're not a fan of the man. You said the first date was a fucking 9 out of 10. The sequel is confirmed. Now it's just a question of what, where and when.

Giselle: Real question is... will this motherfucker actually be sober during our second date.

Girlfriend: You said he microdoses though, so does that mean he's never fully sober?

Giselle: Bitch, I dunno. But he said he accidentally overshot his dose on the day of our date, which means he was more than not fully sober, he was high as fuck.

Girlfriend: But you didn't know that until afterwards though, so does it really make a difference how high this guy was if you still enjoyed yourself? Honey... you gave your date with this dude a 9 out of 10. That's literally one point away from perfection.

Giselle: I know and that's the fucking problem. What if the second date suddenly drops in quality because his microdosing level is like back to normal or whatever. Bitch, I just want consistency. I want date one Ethan to show up on date two, but minus the microdosing as the middleman.

Girlfriend: You spent 3 hours with this guy and you already expect him to change. What if he's microdosing to manage his glitter phobia?

Giselle: It's sparkalaphobia, bitch.

Girlfriend: Okay but seriously. A 9 of 10 doesn't happen often. Ethan earned another date. Unpack the microdosing thing on date 2 and determine if it's a deal breaker.

Giselle: Gurrrl... you know I love you and I love listening to you... but if I hear 9 out of 10 one more time... I'll wear glitter lip gloss especially for Ethan and blow that poor man until he goes into shock JUST to fucking spite you.

I overheard two businesswomen in the elevator.

Woman 1: Greasy elevator buttons. Great. Good thing I always have hand sanitiser.

Woman 2: Covid trauma.

Woman 1: I'm married to a germaphobe in case you forgot. My husband made hand sanitiser mandatory in our home long before Covid.

Woman 2: How can I forget your hubby's fear of germs when his name is literally Jermaine?

Woman 1: It's JEROME. We're not making Jermaine a thing. Do you know long I had to wait before he was brave enough to kiss me properly?

Woman 2: I'm still waiting for my husband to kiss me properly.

Woman 1: I refuse to believe that.

Woman 2: Just ask my husband.

Woman 1: Did you read the email from you know who?

Woman 2: About the... hm hm?

Woman 1: Did he really have to CC mother?

Woman 2: Of course he included her. The two of them are totally... hm hming.

Woman 1: Hm hm.

I overheard the clerk at the gas station talk shit with the customer standing in front of me in the queue. Both were guys in their 20s and from the first line it became clear the two of them were buddies.

Clerk: Sorry bro. We're out of condoms.

Customer: Fuck off.

Clerk: Did you not hear what I said? NO CONDOMS. No fucking.

Customer: Hmm. What's today? Tuesday? Yeah... I fuck your mom on Tuesdays. She's had so much work done, her pussy is basically plastic, so I don't actually need your condoms bruh.

Clerk:

Customer:

Clerk: Nice.

I overheard a mom and her little boy at the checkout section in the supermarket.

Little boy: Can we take Chips to church with us?

Mom: You know dogs aren't allowed.

Little boy: Why not?

Mom: Because church is not for animals. Stop rubbing your eyes.

Little boy: Aunt Janice brings her dog to church all the time.

Mom: Aunt Janice needs a support animal. I already explained that to you. Chips is not our support animal. He's a member of the family and he protects our home when we're away. Like at church.

Little boy: I don't like going to church.

Mom: Why not?

Little boy: I don't like wearing a tie.

Mom: But you look so handsome with your tie.

Little boy: I don't wanna look handsome.

Mom: Okay. How do you wanna look?

Little boy: Happy.

Mom: Aww...