u/ItCumsAtNoon

Spent most of yesterday with my gf and her grandparents. Grandma refused to cook any of her classic dishes because of superstition, so I joined grandpa for a drive to Burger King. I overheard what you're about to read at the drive thru.

Speaker: Hi, welcome to Burger King, how may I take your order?

Grandpa: You're not Jonas.

Speaker: Jonas is on lunch, sir.

Grandpa: Fuck.

Speaker: Excuse me, sir?

Grandpa: Can you please call him?

Speaker: Who?

Grandpa: Jonas.

Speaker: He's on lunch, sir.

Grandpa: No offence to you, young man, but my dietary requirements are very specific and Jonas already knows all that information better than I do by now, so it will just be better for both of us if he takes my order.

Speaker: He's on lunch, sir.

Grandpa: Is he gonna be long?

Speaker: I don't know where he's having lunch, sir, so I'm not exactly sure how long he'll be.

Grandpa: Why leave to have lunch when you work at Burger King?

Speaker: It's a mystery, sir.

Grandpa: What's your name, young man?

Speaker: Travis, sir.

Grandpa: I'm sorry for being a difficult customer, Travis. Thank you for your patience. But I changed my mind. Think I'll do pizza instead. Goodbye Travis.

Speaker: Have a nice day, sir.

I overheard my gf and her grandmother.

Grandma: You think it was coincidence that I married a man who plays the harmonica?

Girlfriend: Grandma stop...

Grandma: A man who can use a mouth instrument is a man who can use his mouth as an instrument.

Girlfriend: I'm dead.

My gf was invited for farewell drinks for her coworker Matt who was leaving the company. Partners were allowed, so I joined. Among the other coworkers who showed up was Giselle, aka my girlfriend's friend. I overheard a lot, but nothing stood out until Giselle returned from the restroom.

Girlfriend: That was quick.

Giselle: Bitch, I turned back. There's literally like two cubicles and a thousand people queuing outside. I was like... fuck... that.

Girlfriend: Honey, look where we are. The people in that queue are only waiting in line to do one of three things: bump, bang or both.

Matt: The closest available bathroom is in my apartment, which is just around the corner.

Giselle: Are you like... asking me to go home with you?

Matt: Why do you have to say it like that though? I'm just offering you a place to pee.

Girlfriend: He's just being a gentleman.

Giselle: An unemployed gentleman.

Matt: A GAY gentleman, ladies.

Girlfriend: You hear that, Giselle? GAY. He's safe to pee around.

Matt: Am I though? I've peed in front of many other gay guys and for some of us peeing is practically foreplay.

Giselle: Okay foreplay. Where the fuck was fun Matt all this time?

Matt: Fun Matt didn't actually have any time because he was too busy being the boss's bitch.

Giselle: Fuck the boss.

Girlfriend: Giselle.

Giselle: Did I say something wrong?

Matt: Nope.

Girlfriend: We were doing so well.

I overheard my gf talking to her brother on the phone while we were driving.

Tom: The wing of the plane became like really wavey at some point, which made me paranoid as fuck, so I stopped looking through my window, but then I noticed all the passengers suddenly had like HUGE heads. Like their heads were too big for their bodies. And I felt like everyone knew that I knew that none of them made sense to me because of the way they were looking at me with their massive fucking eyes. Deep down I was like... FUCK my roommate for convincing me that shrooms would somehow cure my fear of flying. Anyway, the food was not too bad though.

Girlfriend: Okay. A... you're an idiot. B... your roommate is an idiot. C... stop being an idiot, Tom.

Tom: D...

Girlfriend: D...?

Tom: Deez nuts!

Girlfriend: Wow.

I overheard my gf and her friend Giselle finishing their conversation in my car. We were parked outside Giselle's apartment in a non visitors parking bay because it was supposed to be a drop and go, but as I expected, the conversation between my gf and Giselle turned into an extended goodbye.

Giselle: COLIN.

Girlfriend: Saying the same name louder is not gonna make me remember random people.

Giselle: Bitch, how dare you forget Colin?

Girlfriend: Who the fuck is Colin?

Giselle: Literally the only boy in school both of us had a crush on.

Girlfriend: I never co-crush.

Giselle: Gurrrl... you know you did and you know Colin picked me.

Giselle: Giselle... we both know that boy picked your pussy because you literally promoted nothing else.

Giselle: So you DO remember him.

Girlfriend: I remember you breaking up with a boy called Corbin or Colin or whatever because you found out he had asthma or some shit.

Giselle: He had to use his inhaler every time I fucking touched him. It was literally a life or death relationship, so like... yeah. Your girl chose life. That boy lives because I left. Like... sure... he might be dead now. I mean... people die. Hopefully he's alive and happy and better at breathing. But his lungs were not strong enough for my love.

Girlfriend: I'm sorry but what the fuck does this have to do with softcore porn?

Giselle: You said you never heard of Emmanuelle.

Girlfriend: I said I never watched Emmanuelle.

Giselle: I watched all of those movies with Colin. He was OBSESSED with the softcore sex scenes in Emmanuelle. I learned that he hated hardcore porn. Like... he actually preferred not to see penetration. It was a little weird, not gonna lie, but I was like... maybe it's an asthma thing. I dunno. Like honestly, I'd be lying to you if I said I was into it. However, Emmanuelle 7 is fucking fire though. Watch it tonight and thank me tomorrow.

Girlfriend: Do I have to watch 1 to 6 to understand 7?

Giselle: No girl. It's not Harry Potter and you're a busy bitch. You don't need to follow the story to appreciate good sex. The movie is literally older than all of us, and I think it's in French, but it's not like you need subtitles to understand what you're watching when people are fucking.

Girlfriend: I tell you to watch Widow's Bay and you tell me to watch porn that was made before we were born.

Giselle: I'm sorry I stole Colin.

Girlfriend: Bitch, get out of the car. I can't with you.

Sorry for the back to back Giselle posts, but she was spending a lot of time at my apartment with my gf after their girls night, so I'm trying to share as much as I can before I forget. What you're about to read is what I overheard while I was driving Giselle home with my gf. Technically I wasn't driving at that moment because the light was red.

Giselle: Can you read what that sign says? I'm not wearing my contact lenses.

Girlfriend: What sign?

Giselle: The sign that homeless woman is holding.

Girlfriend: Lost family. Lost friends. Lost home. Lost everything. Please help. Willing to prostitute.

Giselle: Not prostitution. Na-ah. No girl. I need to get her attention.

Girlfriend: Bitch you're broke. What will you give her?

Giselle: Advice.

Girlfriend: Giselle.

Giselle: What? I know exactly what I need to say.

Girlfriend: Like?

Giselle: Like her pussy is fucking priceless.

Girlfriend: Not to sound like a bitch, but do you honestly think those words will somehow change her situation?

Giselle: Gurrrl... words like that hit different when it's from one hoe to another hoe.

Girlfriend: I fucking love you for being a hoe with a heart, and I understand how you feel, but I think it might mean more to that woman if you had something more to share with her than just words of wisdom. You know what I mean? Like money or food or whatever.

Giselle: What about food for thought though?

Girlfriend: Girl no.

Giselle: Mmmkay.

Girlfriend: She's also too far away.

Giselle: Next time then.

Girlfriend: Fucking love the pussy is priceless line though.

Giselle: Imagine me as a homeless person... begging people for like... lip gloss and shit.

I overheard my gf and her friend Giselle during breakfast after their girls night out. My gf convinced Giselle to sleep over at my apartment, so breakfast was a lot more chatty than usual.

Giselle: Like literally every time I sleep somewhere else I have theee most fucked up dreams. I actually woke up crying.

Girlfriend: Aw babe... I'm sorry. What did you dream about?

Giselle: I dreamt my tits were twice as big, but.

Girlfriend: But what bitch?

Giselle: My dream sized titties were on my fucking back. Literally. I had to wear like all my dresses BACKWARDS. Like what the fuck.

Girlfriend: Okay that does sound like a nightmare, not gonna lie.

Giselle: Gurrrl, the real nightmare was my poor father just being wholesome as fuck by trying to put his arms around me during what should've been an innocent hug between dad and daughter, but because of my big ass back titties... my dad was fucking STRUGGLING to make hugging his own flesh and blood look as family friendly as possible.

Girlfriend: Wait. Which dad did you dream about? Your stepfather or late father?

Giselle: Late.

Girlfriend: Oh honey, no wonder you woke up crying. I'm so sorry.

Giselle: Oh that's not why I woke up crying though. I got little emotional because my dream ended with me being unable to hold my newborn baby while breastfeeding. I'm not even a real mom, but that shit was low key sad as fuck.

Girlfriend: Okay hear me out. Our vaginas are basically just below our buttholes, so if women were born with boobs on their backs, then we'll have nothing in front expect our fucking faces. Almost everything would be happening behind us.

Giselle: RIP to all my bitches that love missionary.

I overheard my gf and her friend Giselle in my apartment in the early hours of this morning after a girls night out. Both of them sounded tipsy.

Giselle: I was literally telling every guy who approached me to share at least one fun fact. I was like... if these thirsty motherfuckers think they can collect random pussy with low quality pickup lines, then I might as well use them to actually learn some shit.

Girlfriend: And? Did you learn some shit?

Giselle: Hmmm... OH. Did you know that buffalo are part of a family of cows?

Girlfriend: I think you mean cow family.

Giselle: Is that not literally what I just said though?

Girlfriend: No bitch. You said family of cows.

Giselle: Same difference.

Girlfriend: Babe. Listen. I'm about to mansplain. I know, I know. Ew. Cringe. But hear me out. Cow family is not the same as a family of cows. Cow family includes like all fucking cows since the beginning of cow fucking. A family of cows implies one specific family, hence the "a" in "a family of cows." It's like saying mommy cow and daddy cow adopted a baby buffalo or some shit. Am I making sense?

Giselle: MoOoOo.

Girlfriend: Okay cowgirl.

I overheard my gf talking to her grandma on the phone. Too much was said for me to remember everything on my own, so I asked my gf to help me fill in some of the gaps. For the record, I wasn't gonna share this conversation until it became about me lol. I'm not usually the subject of what I overhear.

Girlfriend: Grandma... I thought you loved me.

Grandma: I DO love you.

Girlfriend: Okay then why do I need to beg you for this recipe though?

Grandma: If you're gonna cook for your boyfriend, then you better be prepared to marry that man because my lasagna is not made for public consumption.

Girlfriend: I'm not saying I'm not gonna marry him, but our relationship is still growing, so I'm not gonna lie to you and say I'm about to go shop for wedding dresses just because you're saying your lasagna is so sacred it can only be eaten by members of our family. That's what you're saying right?

Grandma: That's just how it is. I don't want you to end up like my sister. My mother warned all of her children not to share our family's lasagna with outsiders, but sadly my sister was cursed with our father's looks, so she was forced to attract men with food instead of her face. She thought the same thing you're thinking now. It's just lasagna. But I'll tell you what. Her boyfriend turned into a homosexual and my sister died alone. You know why? It was the lasagna.

Girlfriend: I mean, some girls don't mind their boyfriends being a little bi, grandma.

Grandma: A little what?

Girlfriend: Bi. Bisexual. Both gay and straight.

Grandma: Is your boyfriend that?

Girlfriend: I don't think so, grandma. I was joking.

Grandma: Did he ever eat your mom's food?

Girlfriend: Not her lasagna.

Grandma: Okay. Keep it that way. Unless you want your bi boyfriend to be goodbye.

Overheard a middle aged couple in the supermarket. The man was looking at his phone while his wife was looking at items on the shelves.

Woman: It's time we get a bidet. Look at the price of toilet paper. It's ridiculous. JEREMY. Put your phone away. You're worse than the kids.

Man: Can you help me read this notification? It might be work related.

Woman: Where's your glasses?

Man: At home.

Woman: Why?

Man: I forgot.

Woman: I'm getting you glasses you can hang around your neck so you never have to worry about forgetting how blind you are.

Man: Please read the message.

Woman: Parcel ready for collection. What parcel?

Man: Acid gummies.

Woman: You ordered more? Microdosing is not the answer, Jeremy.

Man: I'm not looking for an answer, Shannon. I believe the answer is looking for me. And who knows... maybe with a little LSD in my system... I'll know what the answer looks like when I see it.

Woman: The answer looks like a midlife crisis, honey. You don't need drugs or glasses to see that. Now help me look for the bidet aisle.

Man: Just look for the sign that says butt guns.

Overheard a Zoom meeting with my gf and her coworkers.

Neil: Is everyone here?

Miguel: Everyone except Giselle.

Neil: Does she know the meeting is about to start?

Miguel: Yes. She thumbs upped my invite earlier.

Neil: Can someone call her please?

Miguel: Okay.

Neil: Thanks Miguel. So... did everyone enjoy their Father's Day weekend?

Simon: Not really. My dog had diarrhea.

Christine: My son had a fever.

Matt: I got a new tattoo.

Simon: Sick.

Christine: Well, go on then. Show us.

Matt: It's not exactly safe for work.

Christine: The tattoo or the tattooed area?

Matt: Both.

Christine: What's the point of getting a tattoo if no one can see it?

Matt: Whoever sees me naked will see it.

Simon: So... no one.

Neil: Miguel... Is Giselle joining us or not?

Miguel: She is, but she says we can continue without her so long because she's in another meeting.

Neil: Let me guess... she's with the boss.

Miguel: Correct.

Girlfriend: Neil, can we please get started before Matt gets naked? Thank you.

Went hiking with my friends. It was our first Father's Day with one of my friends actually being a father.

Friend 1: It's fucking weird bro, not gonna lie. I'm still getting used to the feeling of being fully responsible for another human being that I actually made. That shit kinda keeps me awake at night bro, like, for real. I obviously didn't expect to have a baby in my 20s, but now that it happened, bro I'm telling you, I can't picture my life without my kid. He literally is everything to me.

Friend 2: Dude, take it from someone whose dad was literally nothing to me since birth, you're a fucking good father so far. Like, seriously.

Friend 1: Thanks bro.

Friend 3: Guys, watch your step, there are used condoms everywhere.

Friend 4: Now we know what trail to avoid next time.

Friend 2: Must be a hookup spot for horny teenagers.

Friend 4: Or horny homeless people.

Friend 3: You think homeless people use condoms?

Friend 4: Ask your mom.

Friend 3: Fuck you bruh.

Friend 2: My brothers in Christ, is it just me or are most of these magnum sized condoms?

Friend 4: Spoken like a man with no need for magnum sized condoms.

Friend 2: Try saying that again with my dick in your mouth.

Friend 1: Are y'all fighting or flirting?

Friend 5: Question for dad. How does it feel knowing your child could've ended up in one of these condoms?

Friend 1: Question for son. How does it feel knowing your dad wanted you to end up in one of these condoms?

Friend 5: That's wild bro.

I overheard my gf listening to all the voice notes her friend Giselle left while my gf and I were on holiday.

Voice note 1:

Gurrrl. Listen. Guess who I bumped into at the bookstore of all places? Your BROTHER. Not gonna lie, I almost didn't recognise him. His hair is literally longer than mine. I was like... okay House Targaryen. But then I was like... wait a minute... why does this feel like a reveal I was never supposed to see. Be honest with me, bitch. Were you low key trying to hide your brother's glorious glow up from me? It's okay if you did. I mean... we both know my pussy is basically my personality, so I can appreciate the big sis protecting her baby brother from the thirsty bestie energy. That being said though, we used to babysit that boy together. I deserved to know how fucking gorgeous he is. Last time I saw Tom, he had blackheads and braces. Now he's apparently in his messy hot man bun era. And he even managed to show just enough underwear above his jeans without making it look tacky. It was like a Calvin Klein commercial fucked a shampoo ad. And honestly, I'm here for it. Aunt Giselle approves. New Tom can stay. Anyway, hope you're enjoying your holiday. I miss you bitch!

Voice note 2:

Ugh... you know that feeling you get when you're on the verge of sneezing? That's literally me right now, but nothing is happening, which is fucking frustrating because I'm like... dear sinuses, are we sneezing or not sneezing? I'm standing by with tissues. DO SOMETHING. It's a fucking nose fart. Why do we need to waste time with unnecessary suspense? Why the fuck are fake sneeze scares even a thing? Especially when you're trying to send a voice note. Anyway. Take 3. I just wanted to clarify that nothing happened between me and your brother at the bookstore or elsewhere. Tom and I just talked. That's it. Maybe there was a little friendly flirting in between browsing for books, but the vibe was more wholesome than horny, if that makes sense. Also, your brother's part of a boys book club??? Gurrrl, if more bookworms looked like Tom, we would've had fewer illiterate bitches in the world."

Voice note 3:

Last comment on your brother. Now that I know Tom looks like Brad Pitt in Troy, I can totally understand why the threesome between him and his best friend didn't work out. Wait... is it Troy though? Hmm. What is that other old movie where Brad Pitt also has beautifully long hair? Uh... The Fall? NO, um... it's on the tip of my tongue... Legends of the Fall! I mean... if Tom was giving Legends of the Fall energy while lipsing his buddy's girlfriend, whose mouth had been used as the final destination for her boyfriend's cum, then I can see how that can be hot for some, aka Tom and the girl, while being confusing for others, aka Tom's buddy, who was probably just sitting on the side with a shrinking dick and a heavy dose of post nut clarity and watching his girlfriend making out with a hot guy who doesn't mind kissing a bitch with a dirty mouth. If their friendship is forever fucked, then RIP to their bromance or whatever, but I hope your brother can walk away knowing he gave that girl exactly what she wanted. I feel like... I feel like I'm actually gonna sneeze now. Yay."

I overheard my gf and her friend Giselle at the gym. For the record, I actually did my best to avoid eavesdropping on their conversations this time, and for the most part, I did, but the gym was packed and sometimes we would end up standing in the same queue while waiting our turn to use the limited gym equipment available. In those situations, I overheard what you're about to read.

Treadmill queue...

Giselle: I'm not judging people with more than one name. I'm just saying I don't understand the purpose of having your full name sound like a fucking sentence. Every time I visit my dad's grave, I actually feel the need to apologise to my father on behalf of his parents, who somehow convinced themselves that there was enough space between their son's first name and surname to squeeze in names like Benjamin and Augustus. His tombstone literally looks like the alphabet. It feels like I buried 3 dads. Like, I'm not name shaming, but it's low key giving identity crisis. Aaaand you're not even listening.

Girlfriend: I'm listening, bitch. You're mad because other bitches knew your ex had a second name and you didn't. And now your dad and grandparents are catching strays in the afterlife. It's just names. No one cares.

Squat Rack queue...

Girlfriend: Look over my left shoulder. Do you see the shirtless guy with the knuckle tattoos?

Giselle: Bitch, I've BEEN seeing him. I love it when guys have hair going down their bellybutton. It's like a landing strip that leads to pube town.

Girlfriend: Well, bellybutton boy is gross as fuck. I caught him putting his hand in his pants to adjust his balls and then he just casually continued to touch the same weights all of us are using.

Giselle: I, for one, don't mind lubing up bellybutton boy with my hand sanitiser. Thing is though... I'll have to put my hand between my boobs to remove my hand sanitiser because I obviously don't have pockets. It's kind of the same thing bellybutton boy just did with his balls, but at least we'll both end up with germ free hands.

Girlfriend: No comment.

Giselle: Should I?

Girlfriend: Should you what? Teach someone basic hygiene? No girl. If bellybutton boy is old enough to tattoo his knuckles, then he's old enough to know how to keep his fucking hands clean.

Giselle: I can make hygiene hot though.

Girlfriend: That's the thirst talking. You can do better. Look away.

Side note:

I appreciate the positive feedback I've received from many of you who enjoyed my series of recent posts regarding my gf and Giselle. My gf and I are going on holiday soon, so you're not gonna see anything from me for the time being. Not sure if this information means anything to anyone, but for what it's worth, thanks for reading.

I overheard my girlfriend during a video call with her friend Giselle.

Giselle: You think it's too much?

Girlfriend: Too much??? Bitch, it's not enough. I can literally see your bare ass.

Giselle: I mean... is there any human alive that hates ass? Say I.

Girlfriend: We're going to the gym, Giselle. Not an OnlyFans boot camp.

Giselle: I think you mean booty camp.

Girlfriend: You're wasting my WiFi, bitch. I'm ending the call.

Giselle: Wait! Can you hear the music in the background? It's Jamaican gospel. I heard an Uber driver listening to it... and I fell in love. Not with the driver. With the music. Not that the driver was not my type. I mean, old Giselle would've enjoyed sitting on that face, but as you know, your girl is on a journey of abstinence and her objective is dodging dick. Anyway, I'm gonna send you my playlist, so we can both listen to Jamaican Jesus while we work out.

Girlfriend: Okay, see you soon, byyyye!

I overheard my gf communicating with her brother via a series of sporadic voice notes.

Girlfriend's VN:

"A belated birthday wish from your best friend is better than no birthday wish from your best friend. Oliver could've continued ghosting you, but at least he decided to break his ghosting streak to acknowledge your birthday. That's called progress, Tom. It's only a matter of time before both of you are laughing about this beef over a few beers."

Brother's VN:

"Yeah I don't know. I've been reading a lot of threesomes gone wrong stories and shit like this can fuck up friendships and relationships and marriages forever. If I knew a random kiss would cost me my closest friend, then I never would have touched his fucking girlfriend in the first place."

Girlfriend's VN:

"Tom. Friendships end. It hurts, but you heal. I know you love Oliver. I mean... you apparently love the guy so much you kissed his girlfriend after the bitch used your buddy's dick juice as mouthwash. Liiiiiiiike, no offence, but as your fucking sister, the mental image alone makes me wanna bleach my brain and apply for a brand new brother, which I feel like is a normal reaction between siblings. I have no fucking idea what qualifies as a normal reaction between best friends during a threesome where literally anything can go right or wrong at any moment. Oliver is, what, 20? You just turned 19. The girl is hopefully at least 18. You're all adults. File this situation under growing the fuck up and learn how you can actually fucking grow from it, even if it means growing without Oliver. Side note, please change your profile pic as soon as possible. It's not the thirst trap you think it is. No one needs to see all that armpit hair. Anyway, love you loser."

I overheard two of my coworkers talking. Both women.

24 year old: I mean... he was cute.

32 year old: Answer my question. Did you or did you not go home with him?

24 year old: He said his aunt passed away. She was like a mother to him. He literally had tears in his eyes.

32 year old: Let me repeat the question. Did you end up sleeping with this random guy you saw at Roxy's?

24 year old: Not Roxy's. Harringtons.

32 year old: Wherever. WHAT. HAPPENED.

24 year old: I'm trying to tell you. He said he was in pain or whatever, but he realised that just because he lost someone he loved, didn't mean the world stopped spinning, so in order to balance the scale of grief and glee, he owed it to himself to equalise his pain with pleasure.

32 year old: He actually said that to you?

24 year old: Yes.

32 year old: And that was not a red flag? Like, who the fuck talks like that? Especially after burying the woman who was apparently like a mother to him. Grief and glee??? Pain and pleasure??? The wording feels weird to me. If I heard a guy in the club use those words on me, I'd be convinced he's saying the same shit to other women to score sympathy points for sex.

24 year old: I believed him.

32 year old: Of course you did.

24 year old: He was cute. And sad. And well spoken.

32 year old: And willing to equalise his pain with your pussy.

24 year old: That too.

32 year old: And that answers my question.

My gf and I went on a double date with my friend and his gf. Full disclosure: I have posted another overheard about this situation called MGK, so it's the same setting, but different conversation. In this case, my friend and his gf made my gf and I take part in a prayer before we could enjoy our lunch together. This is what I overheard...

Friend's gf: Lord, thank you for not only blessing us with this generous meal, but also allowing us to share this meal with friends who are willing to join us in prayer and express our appreciation. Thank you Lord for providing us with our wonderful waiter, Devon...

Friend: Devhan.

Friend's gf:

Friend: Daaaay... Vhaaaan.

Friend's gf: Amen.

My girlfriend: Amen, bitch. LOVE your God fearing era.

My gf and I went on a double date with my friend and his gf. We were having lunch when my friend noticed someone he recognised entering the restaurant. This is what I overheard...

Friend: Don't look now, but I think your ex just walked in.

Friend's gf: Which one?

Friend: The one who looks like Machine Gun Kelly.

Friend's gf: Oh fuck. Colin? Is it Colin? Can I look?

Friend: Not yet.

Friend's gf: Is there something in my teeth?

My girlfriend: You good.

Friend: He's walking to the smoking section.

Friend's gf: Of course he's fucking here right now. I thought I sensed the presence of evil.

Friend: Okay now you can look.

Friend's gf: Uh...

My girlfriend: Uh... what? Is it your ex?

Friend's gf: Not sure. I can't see that far without my glasses.

Friend: It's him. It's Colin.

Friend's gf: Did he see us?

Friend: No. Stop freaking out.

Friend's gf: I'm not freaking out.

My girlfriend: You're obviously freaking out.

Friend: Oh shit.

Friend's gf: What???

Friend: I think he just... burped.

Friend's gf: You're such an idiot.