u/DaddyBurner

Not long after my last post, my (47m) wife came home from a trip, and I immediately felt better. All my dark thoughts vanished.

In the roughly one month since then, an opportunity to connect with another damaged person IRL came up. I started to think about everything I wanted to act out, and now I’ve spiraled into full blown dark fantasies again. Fantasies about things that were done to me as a kid, fantasies about things I want to do now, and fantasies about being dead. I dream about them every night.

I passed on the opportunity. Partially because logistically it didn’t make sense, and partially because it was too risky.

In my head, it isn’t cheating, because I would be acting out a fantasy that my wife can’t ever fulfill. Nobody knows the whole story but me. My abusers don’t know the effect they’ve had on me. My wife doesn’t know I was abused. Any time I have mentioned the abuse to a therapist they didn’t want to hear about it.

I wish there was a person I could sit with, tell them my whole story, and have them tell me it’s not my fault. I was 5, I couldn’t choose this life. They could hold me, and maybe after 40+ years I could drop my guard.

Way down inside of me, something is broken that I know will never heal. The itch from a wound healing is still there, but I can’t reach it to scratch. I wish I could rub my soul red and raw and massage away the past.

I (47M) was molested from about age 6 to about age 13. The details don’t matter much. One of my molesters was family, the others were unrelated adults.

I go through waves of sexual obsession. I hardly ever think about the actual abuse. Mostly what I think about are the ways that the abuse altered the way I think. I don’t have normal thoughts. I assume normal people day dream about vacations and material possessions that don’t complete them. I day dream about sex. Sometimes women in their late teens and early twenties. Often younger than that.

I realized today that I’m a vampire. My first molester was also a child, which means they were almost certainly molested. And the person that I suspect molested them admitted they had experiences when they were younger.

Now I have a hard time not thinking about turning others. I don’t want to. I don’t want anyone to experience what I experienced and have it alter them the same way. But the thirst is always there. And nothing I do to quell it works.

I wish someone would drive a wooden stake through my heart.