TW* (ED & PPD/PPR) if I wasn’t breast feeding I think I’d relapse my ED.
For context I’m (25f) 14 weeks postpartum, FTM. I used to suffer from an eating disorder triggered by cptsd and severe depression in my teen years.
A little over 3 months and I absolutely love my baby. I’m not particularly unhappy with my life in general or how motherhood is. I’m unhappy with myself. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. Prior to pregnancy I was 113lbs, at 5’4”. When I gave birth I was 200. Never been that big or this big in my life. Never been above 145. I am now hovering between 165-170. Even though I’m constantly told motherhood looks good on me or that breastfeeding will shave the weight off as reassurance it doesn’t help. I’ve been 165lb since a week pp. I’m eating well, I drink tons of water, and I’m walking. I work one day a week again. 3-4 days a week I’m walking around 8k steps. The other 3 days I’m averaging 2k-3k steps. I strap my 15lb baby to chest and walk the dogs for atleast 30 minutes almost everyday. I can’t find the time to go to the gym even though I have friends to go with. I also am a bit too paranoid to leave the baby with my husband alone long enough to go the gym. ( I know this needs to be worked on.)
I’m trying to maintain a healthy relationship with food even though I’d like to quit eating altogether sometimes. I make breakfast egg bites with spinach and cheddar cheese and a Greek yogurt bowl with granola and fruit for breakfast. If not that then oatmeal to help lactation. Lunch varies, usually left over dinner to cut on food cost and reduce waste and then enjoy dinner with my husband. With a snack inbetween meals, usually a fig bar/granola bar or crackers of some sort. I’m not calorie counting as I think that would be worse for my mental health, stepping on the scale every morning is bad enough.
I went from a US women’s size 3/4 in jeans to 8/10. None of my clothes fit anymore. I don’t feel pretty in anything. My husband compliments me and reminds me how good I look when I do try to dress up. Luckily I don’t have stretch marks on my stomach. Just on my thighs, but everytime I change bottoms or take a shower I can’t stand to look at my legs. I apply vitamin E lotion and coconut oil after showers to help with the stretch marks. My butt is massive, I had a little bubble butt before but now it’s huge, I could likely wear a size 6 if it weren’t for the junk in the trunk. Husband sure enjoys it tho, I’m not sure how keen I am on it. Summer is around the corner and I live in the south, I can’t fathom the chaffing to ensue if I don’t lose weight soon.
Anyways, I’ve been told numerous times by different people that breastfeeding will help with the weight loss. But when? I’m exclusively breastfeeding and pumping tons, especially the one day a week I work for 8 hours. Easily pumping 16-24oz in an 8hour span. Im not skipping meals for the sole reason that I need the calories to produce so I can feed my baby. I can’t eat smaller portions either because I’ll wake up ravenous at 2-4am standing in front of the fridge contemplating what will suffice until 7am when baby wakes. If my little one didn’t depend on me for a food source I’m certain I would relapse.
I know nobody would tell me that I look necessarily bad. And I wouldn’t say I look horrible. The weight looks ~alright~ on me, but I absolutely can’t stand it. I can’t stand the way I look, I can’t stand the way I feel. I try to thank my body for what it’s provided me and my baby. But it’s so hard to maintain genuine gratitude. And I’m tired of being told I look good being 3 months postpartum. It feels like a lie when I compare myself to what I was before. I’ve confided in my husband with how unhappy I am with my body but, he, as a good husband, tells me everytime how good I look and to look at our baby and what my body did to get him here. To give myself grace, etc. I’ve had entire mental breakdowns trying to find an outfit to wear out of the house, to an outting. It’s not only disappointing but infuriating. I don’t have postpartum depression, more like postpartum rage. I’m upset, angry. Infuriated. I imagine punching myself in the gut or banging my head on the wall to release the pent up anger.
In turn this anger has made me dislike myself. I worked so hard for years to be comfortable in my own skin and to not harbor hatred towards myself. I feel like I’ve back tracked, and that alone makes me rage. The rage fuels the temptation to go back to old eating habits. I don’t want to think or feel this way. It’s a poisonous cycle. I know that if I were formula feeding that our grocery bill would be cut by 1/3. I know that if the weight started to drop…even slowly…I wouldn’t think about wishing I could skip meals. I wouldn’t feel guilty. But I continue to fuel my body so I can provide nourishment for my sweet baby.
My husband is aware of how unsatisfied I am with my appearance, and is also aware of my past history of ED. I don’t want to worry him with the thought of me relapsing and jeopardizing our babies free food source. Nor do I want him to monitor me and my eating habits.