u/DaikonZestyclose

I'm not they type to do this shit but I really need to vent but I also don't really have anyone to talk to yk. Recently I came to the realization that everything is truly my fault and I mean everything everything would truly be better if I want there yk for context and ugly and fat sure I'm smart but not enough sure I study but don't get the best grades I m socially awkward and a very boring person to be around I'm letrailay not good at anything and I mean anything. The person I love most in the world is my sister and I just make her look bad for reference she the prettiest person iv ever seen very good at what she dose fun to be around and tg3 defention of making my parents proud she alot older than me so she was always a role model for me yk I just can't help the feeling that I'm the reason we aren't close anymore I'm not fun to be around now that I'm older and and ugly too we don't share the same interests either and shes so busy with work we don't see each other often but I won't blame her if she was free and went out with friends we dint really talk to much anymore practucky not in each other's lives and it's all my fault if I was a petter person it would've been different I just know it and I can't fake my personality either I tried it I just become more wierd I disapint my dad with my grade he disnt say it but I know I do I got into engineering like him he wants me to get a 4.0 gpa but I'm not that smart and God I hate studying so I just know it won't happen I guess I've always been a disappointment to my mom he mood heavily depends on how much weight I lost which is a very drianing thing because I like food I like going to new places and trying out food there I like eating new things and I just can't keep the weight off I have tried I lose it then I gain it honestly I've come to terms with it I just don't gain so much that I look worse in my clothes than I actually do yk either Tha that idc but she dose but now that I think about it's not just the weight now she dose t care about my grades cuz I'm in college but she did when I was at school so that was draining as well theres also my posture and alot more it's like I'm just always wrong yk I can never actually be good or enough God I hate that word it feels like I'm seeking attention but trust me I'm not I never vent or talk about my feelings but I'm just really drained and feel zero confidence usually I can fake it make it look like I don't care about what anyone thinks like I love my self soooo much like I don't want to disapear but I don't think I can I have to get it together though I have a 2 finals in tomorrow I have to cram for and if I don't feel confident 8 won't solve well and will second guess my self in the onky thing ik I can do right ( math). Well anyway ik it's just a matter of time till I'm a disappointment to my brother as well if I'm not already he lives abroad so we talk periodically love him to death though. Yk I've never been subject to male attention or like romantic attention yk i get it I wouldn't like me too looks or personality but sometimes I just want to be liked or chosen I've never been chosen yk I just want someone to want me regardless I'm not a good person or a fun on so I don't blame them but doesn't mean I don't wish for it it's selfish ik I really hate me I wish I could be some else for the day I really want to be pretty I just wanna know how it feels like yk how it feels like not being duff or the girl guys talk to to get to thier friend or tge one that thier friend sacrifices him self for so his friend could talk to the pretty one but over all I just want to feel enough