AITA for excluding my mom from wedding stuff after years of favoritism and manipulation?
I (21F) am getting married this fall to my fiancé “Ethan” (23M), and honestly I feel like my wedding has become less about getting married and more about trying to manage my family’s emotions constantly. For context, I’m in nursing school and work in healthcare, and my fiancé works in the data center/tech industry. We’ve been living together for over a year with our two dogs, and honestly our life together is peaceful and healthy… until my family gets involved. He comes from divorced parents. His dad cheated on his mom repeatedly and basically destroyed their marriage, so my fiancé mostly only talks to his mom now. He also has siblings — an older brother plus younger siblings — and they’re all very close. His family isn’t perfect, but they actually communicate and seem to genuinely LIKE each other. I’ve always wanted that kind of family dynamic. Instead, I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to earn approval from my parents while also somehow never being enough. I have a twin brother, and growing up I always felt like he was the favorite. He was the “smart one,” got better grades, and my parents were always more relaxed with him. I was more athletic/social, but I constantly felt like I had to work twice as hard for half the approval. And before anyone says I’m imagining it — literally other people noticed it too. One example: when I was younger and came out as bi, my parents became EXTREMELY controlling over me. My phone would get taken away for months, I was monitored constantly, and I basically lived under a microscope. I wasn’t even allowed to openly date girls or sometimes even be friends with girls my parents didn’t approve of. Meanwhile, at the SAME TIME, my brother was sleeping with my best friend and my parents literally bought him condoms. And the situation with my “best friend” made everything even worse. She openly admitted she basically used me to get close to my brother, would ask to come over and then basically ignore me to go hook up with him, and treated me horribly overall. But my mom still forced me to stay friends with her because SHE liked her. So I was basically watching my brother get freedom, my best friend disrespect me, and my parents support their relationship while I was being treated like a problem for wanting a relationship myself. Years later, my twin brother came out as gay too. Suddenly my parents became accepting. Now he and his boyfriend get invited to holidays, Easter, vacations, the lake house, etc. They stay together openly and are treated normally. And I genuinely love and support my brother completely, but it hurts SO badly watching him receive understanding and freedom for things I got emotionally destroyed for. He still lives with my parents too, so naturally he’s still kind of the “golden child.” My parents went to his frat party, celebrated with him after things that absolutely would’ve gotten me screamed at growing up, and they rarely hold him accountable for anything. For example, my brother literally got arrested recently and my parents barely cared. Meanwhile I get criticized for not going out enough, wanting to transfer schools, not attending enough family dinners, “being distant,” and basically every decision I make. I’m trying to transfer into an accelerated BSN program closer to where my fiancé and I live so I can graduate earlier. Instead of being supportive, my parents initially got upset because it wasn’t a “big SEC school” type of program. That’s how they are. Image and status matter A LOT to them. The relationship between me and my parents never really recovered after my teenage years. My mom especially has always been emotionally manipulative and honestly kind of narcissistic. She NEEDS people to like her and genuinely seems to think money automatically makes her a good person. And to be fair — yes, they gave me a lot financially: vacations, trips, nice things, help with school, and now helping pay for the wedding. But I would trade SO much of that for an actual emotional connection with them. I can’t talk to my parents about anything real without feeling judged, criticized, controlled, or emotionally manipulated. They constantly hold things over my head indirectly too. It’s always “look at everything we’ve done for you.” But emotionally? I’ve never felt understood by them. Especially my mom. Growing up she constantly commented on my weight/body, made weird comments about my chest in front of other people, shared personal things I told her in confidence, and made me feel judged constantly. My dad blindly backed her up no matter what. Even if she was wrong, he’d still yell at me or lecture me because he never wanted to go against her. And the thing that drives me CRAZY is that they genuinely think the reason people dislike them is because I “talk crap” about them. Yes, I vent sometimes because they hurt me. But I’m not lying about them. People form their own opinions after seeing how they act.
Which leads into the wedding drama. My fiancé knows EVERYTHING about my family history and has seen all of this happen for years. Honestly, his mom became kind of a safe place for me emotionally because she would actually listen to me instead of dismissing me or making me feel crazy for being upset. Which is why she doesn’t really like my parents now. And honestly? I don’t blame her. My fiancé has watched all of this happen for years and wants basically zero contact with my parents now. And honestly… I understand why. They constantly text him directly even though he barely responds. They invite us on trips nonstop, ask me why he won’t answer them, and then complain TO ME about how “disrespectful” he is. But from his perspective, he watched people emotionally manipulate me for years and now expects me to just play happy family because there’s a wedding happening. We’ve actually had fights about this because he thinks I need stronger boundaries, while I still struggle with wanting a relationship with my family because I’m still young and it’s hard imagining cutting off both parents completely. I’ve always wanted this huge happy family where everyone gets along. I wanted holidays together, grandparents involved eventually, everyone loving each other, etc. But I’m slowly realizing that’s probably never going to happen. The biggest issue happened during wedding dress shopping earlier this year. I invited my mom, my future MIL, and a few bridesmaids. While I was literally in the dressing room trying on dresses, my mom decided THAT was the perfect time to confront my future MIL about not answering her texts. Apparently my future MIL doesn’t like my parents (valid tbh), and instead of just acting normal for ONE DAY, my mom starts asking, “Why don’t you like me?” Which is honestly SO embarrassing to begin with because she already knew the answer. My mom has this constant need for everyone to like her even though she gives people very little emotional reason to actually feel close to her besides money and appearances. Then the conversation turned into a full argument DURING MY APPOINTMENT. The whole mood immediately shifted. My mom spent most of the appointment staring at her phone looking angry instead of even paying attention to me trying on dresses. I literally have pictures where everyone else is smiling and excited while my mom looks miserable and annoyed sitting there. Even my bridesmaids afterward were like, “That was so uncomfortable and embarrassing to watch two grown women fight during YOUR moment.” Afterward my mom cried at lunch and then later demanded I come over to my parents’ house so they could “talk to me” about how disrespectful my future MIL was. I refused because I knew it would turn into me getting cornered by both my parents. Since then everything has gotten worse. Now my wedding itself is becoming another issue. We have a STRICT guest limit of around 100 people, and right now we already have around 120. My parents STILL keep trying to add more people from my side of the family even though my family already makes up a huge chunk of the guest list. They even suggested cutting some of my fiancé’s family members so more extended relatives from my side could come. At one point my dad literally told me that if I didn’t invite certain great aunts/uncles, I needed to PERSONALLY call them and apologize for not inviting them. I told him absolutely not because that’s insane. Meanwhile they also have around TWENTY family friends invited already, so it’s not like they’re being excluded from the wedding. Now I have my actual wedding dress fitting this Friday morning, and I’m only allowed to bring 1-2 people. Honestly? I don’t want my mom there. I want to bring two bridesmaids instead because they actually make me feel calm, excited, and supported instead of anxious. But here’s why I feel guilty: my parents are paying for most of the wedding. To be fair, they had money set aside for me since I was born and they’re calling it my “wedding gift.” I also specifically told them before accepting anything that I did NOT want strings attached because they’ve held money over my head before. But I’m still in nursing school. My fiancé has a good career, but we still can’t comfortably pay for a wedding entirely on our own while handling rent, bills, life, etc. So now I feel stuck between accepting the financial help but resenting the emotional control OR creating boundaries and looking ungrateful. And honestly, I’m terrified my mom and future MIL are going to end up fighting at my actual wedding because they already clearly dislike each other. I love my fiancé more than anything, and I know he’s trying to protect me and our future marriage, but I also feel grief over the fact that I probably will never have the close family dynamic I always wanted. And I think that’s the hardest part. AITA if I don’t invite my mom to my dress fitting? PS: If anyone has advice for surviving weddings with manipulative family dynamics or how to stop family drama from ruining the actual wedding day, PLEASE help because I genuinely feel like I’m drowning trying to keep everyone happy.