My (22F) boyfriend (23M) says we feel like ‘friends’ because I don’t initiate sex enough, but his reactions to rejection have made me sexually avoidant.
My (22M) boyfriend (23M) thinks we don’t have sex enough, or more specifically that I don’t initiate enough. He says we feel more like “friends” sometimes. We’ve been together for 2 years, and this is my first real relationship. Before him I was a virgin and had barely any sexual experience, so in the beginning everything was new and exciting and we hooked up a lot.
Around the same time I started dating him, I also started consistently taking birth control and spironolactone. I already wasn’t a super sexual person to begin with, and I think those things completely tanked my libido. About 2–3 months into the relationship he brought up that he wasn’t happy with our sex life. What made it worse was that whenever I said no to sex, he would get distant, cold, or upset, especially if we had gone out to dinner or he had done something nice for me. It started to feel like he thought sex was expected afterward.
Over time I developed what I think is a sex aversion. I stopped wanting to cuddle or kiss because I was scared it would lead to sex and then him getting upset if I didn’t want to. I eventually got off spironolactone and my libido improved a bit. We were still having sex regularly (at minimum around 4 times a month, usually closer to twice a week), but now I actually wanted to sometimes instead of forcing myself through it.
The issue kept coming up though, and every conversation about it usually ended with him storming out instead of talking it through. I tried explaining that his reactions to rejection were making sex feel stressful and unappealing, but I don’t think it really got through to him.
Another major issue is oral sex. I honestly just don’t enjoy giving head. I’ve always hated saliva and it genuinely grosses me out. I’ve gotten better about it and now do it most of the time he asks, but I still don’t actually like it unless I’m really in the mood. The problem is that he wants me to want to do it and visibly enjoy it, and I can’t fake enthusiasm when I don’t feel it. He’s also stopped giving me head unless I do it first, but penetration alone usually doesn’t make me finish, so foreplay is important for me. Lately sex has started feeling more one-sided and less enjoyable overall.
I feel stuck because he really is an amazing boyfriend otherwise, and I do understand that he wants to feel desired. But I also can’t keep forcing myself to do sexual things I don’t want to do just to avoid him getting upset. Am I being selfish here or is he just too fixated on these ideas in his head. And how do I explain this to him in a way that might actually get through to him?