57M – Never had real friends or a lasting relationship. Consumed by shame and self-hatred. Posting as a therapy exercise.
By my early to mid-teens I was already struggling with self-esteem. I had friends — I wasn’t popular, but I wasn’t unpopular either. When I was 16 I moved across the country and fell into a deep depression that lasted until I was 26. I didn’t make a single friend during that time. I lost my virginity at 27. The shame and isolation were crushing.
I built a solid IT career and now make low six figures. Superficially I come off as quiet but likeable. Between 27 and 31 I had a few one-night stands. At 31 I had an on-and-off girlfriend for about 6–9 months (she was going through a messy divorce). She eventually ended it. Looking back, neither of us was really capable of a healthy relationship at the time. I fell into severe depression again and haven’t dated since.
When I was 42 my mom became the victim of a home invasion robbery and lost her house. She moved in with me. I told myself no woman would want a guy who lives with his mother, even though the situation was practical. I wasn’t dating anyway.
I’ve been depressed on and off (mostly on) ever since — sometimes moderate, sometimes severe. Recently I discovered I have significant autonomic nervous system issues: massive adrenaline dumps that spike my heart rate extremely high. I freeze up during them but don’t always feel it in the moment. This seems like more than typical anxiety and has been with me since my teens.
I’ve tried SSRIs and therapy before — they never helped much. I’m now on Wellbutrin, getting medical workups (deviated septum surgery scheduled for June 9, sleep study, cardiologist, pulmonologist, etc.). I also found out in January I have prostate cancer (Gleason 7, 4+3). I’ve chosen active surveillance because I don’t think I could psychologically survive treatment right now.
I’m 5'8", 150 lbs, average-looking, dress well, good hygiene. I know I’m bright, funny, and have many good qualities, but I’m consumed by shame and crippled by self-hatred. I don’t get signs of interest from women, but I can’t say I’ve ever really been rejected either. I don’t resent women at all — this isn’t their fault. I might just be more of a project than most would take on.
I’m working incredibly hard so I can eventually put myself out there and be someone a woman could want and love. I know I shouldn’t put my entire sense of worth on that, but the feeling that I was never chosen makes me feel absolutely worthless. I feel like it’s too late, and it’s a sad tragedy because it didn’t have to be this way. If I’d gotten effective help between 16 and 26, my life might have been very different.
I’m posting this mostly as a therapy exercise — to deal with the shame and get it off my chest.