[L] (Long Post Vent) Im Exhausted.
Warning: Self Harm and Mental Health
I am Male, and it is 15. ASD - Level 2. I was diagnosed with Autism about 9 months ago. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and major depression around a year ago, but I'm pretty sure I had it for 2 years. And I'm pretty sure I have Alexmythia.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting, I kind of just want to vent and some validation. Also Sorry for typing so much.
Some Other Info: I have A Mom, Dad, and Brother, My Brother and Sister and Mom are not Autistic, but my dad is, and my brother and sister are not biologically related to my dad. My brother is 20, and my sister is 22. My sister has Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder, and even though I love her, she does hurt me more than makes me happy. My family has constantly moved since my dad is in the military. I dont even remember where i was born or how many times, but I would say I moved around 15 times.
Before I Broke: I use to be a very happy and kind person, I remember my school had a little event and i even won Mr Aloha of 7th Grade, and it Feels weird saying this about myself, but I use to genueinly be the most innocent Middle Schooler, I didnt understand the world much, I remember hearing alot of words that were inappropiate that i didnt even know about, and i didnt even know how babys were born until 8th grade. I didn't deal with anything really, other than moving and my sister mental health confusing me, Im pretty sure she moved in 7th grade (but she came back in 8th, left in 9th. And is back now in 10th, she has been to mental hospital multiple times.) Of course I had some issues, but overall was happy, had friends. But I do remember, im not sure why, but I remember one time, I self Harmed with a Razor randomly one night, I still have no idea why, I didnt even know what self harm was and I just did it on day, and told my mom a cat scratched me. (im surprised she believed me, but she would never suspect self-harm from me back then.) I used to be bullied, but I didn't even realize it back then, but I know now.
8th Grade: This is when I started having issues quickly. I moved once again from where I was before, away from my friends, again. To Miami, now, Ive been to multiple schools and I gotta say Miami has the most rude children ever, the majority are jerks, and there was so many fights a week, and how many kids ive seen smoke. Anyways, Im not sure what It was, but I just could not Socialize at all, now this was a while ago so I don't remember much details, but I remember I would have Shutdowns multiple times and cry, I didnt make a single friend, I was bullied constantly, making fun of me for being quiet, weird, and emo. And alot would say I'm high, and ask if I am, and I wouldn't respond because I quite literally don't know how I was supposed to respond to anything, I didnt even know what high meant a few months before that. Anyway, I started getting really sad and scared and dreaded school a lot. I stayed in my room more, didn't speak to my family as much. And I started to Self Harm, I would do It about twice a week on my wrist and arms, with a knife or razor, and I also sometimes punch my head as hard as possible, usually did this at night in the shower. And I always wore a jacket to hide it in school and home. It was a miserable year of my life, especially compared to how I was before. Now, I feel uncomfortable saying this, but I will just say It, which is what I started having. A masturbation addiction, where i would do it about every week, and I learned alott of gross things as you can imagine, It was confusing, and even though I Did it, I didnt enjoy It one bit, I just had urges that hurt, and did it to get rid of them, but then when I did it, i felt worse, and then self harmed and Its a cycle. I felt extremely ashamed and gross. One day, I had a doctors thing for my brain, and during it, i had to give my mom my phone, and naturally, she looked through it. And found my searches about self harm and suicide, she checked my arms and thats how she found out, i dont remember what exactly happened but I remember going to doctors alot and a therapy that didnt work out, but not much else. Also another thing to mention, I had discord this year and made some online friends who helped me, but I got groomed by an adult on their after I told them about my self harm, they said it meant i was submissive and stuff, and for some stupid reason I stayed talking with them, my parents found out and banned discord, so it kinda felt I lost my online friends as well. After that, I started to get scared of speaking online as well. I'm sure there is alot more to talk about but I got a bad memory.
9th Grade: So, I moved again. And high school, this year Is a bit different, as my brother went to school with me, (he was 19, but failed a class before so he was in 12th) But we didnt ever see each other so its fine, I dont talk to my brother ever and same for my dad, and my sister and mother i do sometimes. But It was honestly worse, I selfed harm almost everyday, I masturbated almost everyday, I was grossed out by myself. This year I would start drawing these very dark messed up pages that repeated, its like drawings you would see in Horror games, I would draw myself self harminf, or someone hurting me, and alot of scribbles of words like worthless, dumb, stupid, ugly, and I deserve to burn and multiple other insults and deaths/pain I deserve I would draw these in class and try to Hide them. Was bullied again, a kid kept joking about me, quiet kid gonna shoot up the school and stuff. And kids laughed everything I tried to say one word or didnt say anything, like literally 5 people laughing in a class outloud, like some kind of TV show.I had no friends this year as well, I also started not doing my homework and putting my head down, People thought I was sleeping but it was actually a shutdown. Every Class, I would put my head down, hiding, and just think uncontrolbly, repeating the words in those drawings of mine, I would try to squeze pain in me during it, and just shake and shake, It was miserable, I did it literally every day every class this whole year. I remember one time I went to the bathroom just to self harm, I even used broken pencils to stab myself when outside under my hood so no one saw, and sometimes it was so bad I did it on my head. There was a stadium, Empty, I go there for lunch to chill, I didnt eat because Im scared of eating at school, I also never used restroom at school, but I would look down from the top, and just think of me falling, I even took a picture for some reason, maybe so I can Imagine It at home, but, some kids saw my drawings, and reported It, And I had to go to the principal or something,I dont remember who, a school guard was called there, and they asked all those questions, the basic mental health ones that your asked each time you go to hospitals for mental health, anyways, it was very scary and stressful for me, my parents got there and we went to a hospital, after hours of being there, I had to go a childrens mental hospital from an ambulance. I cried with my parents there, Alot, ever since this year, I didnt cry much, only a few times, I dont know if its because Ive been hurt for a whole year or what, but now I always wanna cry but it doesnt happen, I never release It, but this time I did for about 20 minuites. Now the childrens mental hospital was confusing and I dont even know how to describe how I felt during it so im just gonna go over that, I remember I got out on December 10th 2024th. Now Since then I stopped Self Harming with knives, but I still would punch myself, at this point I wanted to hurt myself without alerting people, oh and this was when I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety and Major Depression. Even though I stopped cutting, I think I was worse, I felt more empty than before, and I would try but then was scared, I was scared of the knife and would call myself pathetic for that, another reason to hate myself. Oh, and I did fail 9th grade this year. Once again, there's probably a bit more but that what I will say.
10th Grade: (Current) This year Is very different. I go to a Extension School where I have a more flexible schedule and less people and it is all on computer work, it's half In person and Half at Home. It is definitely alot better than regular school, but in still not able to speak there, I dont get bullied anymore though, since there is like only 3 students there usually. Also because I failed 9th grade, here, I get to do extra classes, so I basically went from not doing my work to doing double the work. Oh, and I forgot but It was one month before this month that I got Diagnosed with Autism level 2, It felt both relieving and confusing at the same time. I searched alooot about it that year, alot, and there was alot of times where I was like shocked at how most of these stuff I relate to. Anyways, something quite I was introduced to though, ableism, now I'm very sensitive person, also very empathetic, I would see one news headline and literally ruin my emotions for the whole day, And when I see people say Slurs, like R slur or something rude or sexist or racist or homophobic, I would get so hurt by it even though I wasn't the target of those things, I just was hurt by how cruel people are. But now, I see a new side, you don't realize how bad ableism is until your the target, Seeing it all is so overwhelming and invalidating, I can't even watch my favorite streamer anymore, and comment sections anywhere is a dangerous game now. I also learned about Masking, which Is probably a big part on this stuff. I also to this day can't get rid of my masturbation Addiction. And i had a meltdown where I kicked two holes in my rooms walls, I almost was sent back to the Mental hospital after that. I also have a therapist at school now, I dont like therapy but I have to go of I dont want any more troubles. I also have Ocupational Therapy now, Which I also hate, I feel so vulnerable when I go there. I always felt like I was easy to take advantage of, Im a people pleaser, And I feel I deserve pain, this just made me more scared. Whenever people walk past me in public Im literally panicing in my mind. My older sister moved back, and it kinda stresses me to be honest. My brother also recently moved out, I was closer to him this year. Another thing, is my gender, Im Aroace, ive been for years (which just makes the masturbation addiction more shameful and confusing) but recently, Ive been feeling that my gender doesnt fit me, I feel that Im ugly and not cute and I want to be soft and cute, but because im male I feel like I cannot, and I wanna be clear, I do think other boys can be soft and cute, but I for some reason think differently for me and that I cannot, which is just another pain. I had a dog that was basically with me since I was 1, and he died, the first death I dealt with. It was very confusing and fast and I dont think I have even accepted it yet, a month after this my parents rehomed my other dog. And then another big unexpected thing, My parents get a divorce, once again I dont know how to feel, I was confused and scared. I never expected that, they been married for over 20 years. Now I just have to act like Its all normal, and Im so angry at myself for not crying at all this stuff. Everyday I feel this feeling In my stomach that hurts, I feel stuck In a loop. And thats pretty much caught up for the most part.
I feel like Ive lost my innocence, and I dont even have any special talent or hobby or skill, Im just bad at everything I try, and im tired everyday. I feel fake and dehumanized.
Im sorry, I know my problems are not that big, im just dramatic and there is more serious stuff, but it all just hurts so much, and is confusing. I want to cry but I dont cry much, last time I cried was when I went to the childrens mental hospital. I feel like I never release It.
Anyways, Thanks for reading, and If you didnt I understand why.
(This is over 11 000 letters. I don't even know how I did that)