My priest mentioned the paralytic man whose friends brought him to Christ, and how it's our friends and community who carry us to Christ and help us in our journey to healing. I felt sad because I recalled when I was recently insanely sick for weeks. I didn't go to any service for like 17 or 18 days, when I usually don't miss any...
I know it's a short time period, but during that time, no one asked why I was gone, or if I needed any help. No texts, no calls, no responses in any group chats when I made a comment about being super sick and struggling... During this time my birthday even occurred (my church keeps a record of birthdays and they're listed on our bulletin + my family doesn't celebrate birthdays for adults) and there was no announcement until the day almost ended, and it was so few, which compounded how I felt during this time... There are many other instances no one carried me when I needed help, but this last one was oddly my final straw.
My priest went on saying how beautiful my parish community is because we support and love each other. I tried to focus on what he was saying, but then the past few years then replayed as I realized how alone and lonely I feel here, and I've never felt at home or cared for. The people and place he described, and describes when we have large numbers of visitors, doesn't exist for me. To me the place is surface level fake friendly, and conditional... My priest said he doesn't understand the complaint, "We're all good people who would give you the shirt on our backs..." He has said how discontentment and jealousy are sins.
What do you do when the idea of "community" that's preached doesn't match your lived experience? How do you deal with feeling invisible in a place that's supposed to feel like home? And how do you deal with a priest who really doesn't click with you and makes you feel like crap constantly?