First time posting. Sorry if I’m all over the place.
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were in a relationship for 4 years. I do take accountability for my actions and I am actively working on it for myself. I am an alcoholic. I wasn’t there especially after the sudden passing of my 6 year old daughter (Her stepdaughter). Since October of 25 when my daughter passed the alcohol consumption really ramped up. Basically our last 3 years she’s asked and I did but I kept falling into those same habits. I tried my hardest but kept failing until this break up that really pushed me to the edge made me realize I was at rock bottom. So we break up and She has sent me on a rollercoaster. She’s obviously had enough of my shit and was checked out.
So the break up happens obviously I’m not handling it well. I start doing okay in my head not responding but I did go over because I she had most of my clothes in the laundry and she had finished it. We talk and she tells me she slept with someone and that’s when I realize the hickeys on her neck she starts telling me that she cares for me and really hopes I get it together but that she did what she did so I wouldn’t come back because she knows she would come back to me. When I leave I try to give her a handshake as a farewell, she doesn’t reach out so when I put my arm down she steps and hugs me and starts bawling even more. After that night that’s where I really hit the bottom had thoughts that I never in my life would. With all the stress of life, grieving my only child and now losing her and her kids (3 step kids) as well and to add icing to the cake her openly telling me and showing me that she slept with someone. That’s when I decided to make the change for myself I would never allow myself to think that ever again so I decided going sober. I start working out going to AA meetings. It sucks that for work her two stops on her route are literally 1 and 2 blocks from my parents, currently where I am living. The stops are on the same street a street over and parallel to our street. So I’m up early trying to jog and walk from one corner to the next making sure that I’m not getting to far out because you could see her stop from the corner. As I turn around to head back She so happens to drive by our house she stopped in front of it for a bit the when. She realized It was me she starts driving towards the end of the street I’m at. So I just gave a hi and kept going. She apologized about it said that she didn’t realize it and that it’s her route and she wasn’t expecting me to be outside that early and alone. Things cool off I’m trying to not contact but Ive slipped I’m not even going to lie. Wednesday night I asked if I still had things over there because I couldn’t find them here. She offers for me to go get them and I’m like dude are you sure? She said that yeah it’s okay if I want to. So of course I want my stuff and I want to see her. I went to grab my beard trimmers and the rest of the stuff. I let her know I’m there before I could type it out she opens the door I go stand by the door and then I text if she wants me to come in because she opened the door she said she didn’t care so I went up. While She packs up my stuff im just standing there being cordial being respectful, not trying to make things worse than they are. So as I’m leaving. She said, “You know this isn’t easy for me either right?” Now I know she wants to talk. We talked for an hour and a half.
She spoke to me about everything on how it’s hard to trust me. How shes spiraling because of the break up. This is where she said that the person she slept with was someone she doesn’t even know and made it seem that she was regretful. We talked all we had to talk so im leaving and we hugged and held each other for about 10 minutes. In my head im getting mixed feelings cause theres a lot of clarity but also things were uncertain so I thought maybe there was a chance. I texted her Thursday asked if she wanted to talk after my meeting. She said, “Why?” I just didn’t respond. Then I start talking to a friend about this who she is having a similar thing going on she gave me advice and my dumb ass goes and texts her, “I hope you have a good day.” And, “If this hurts you more than it helps please let me know.” She finally responds saying that she realized that she was sending me mixed signals but everything and that she really hopes I get my shit together and that she cares enormously about me but she doesn’t think that she would ever try anything again. So I handled it well I said I understood and I wished her the best and I appreciated the times we had together.
Emotional af. I cried again of course. But I went about my day and got through it. Night time hits. This is where I messed up. I checked socials earlier tonight. We unfriended each other on everything. Earlier I saw in her page it still said single. Then as the night went by I got all anxious and I checked again and sure as hell in a relationship. But she still has photo albums of me called “my love❤️”
It obviously shocked me but at the same time I’m like idk she might just be fucking with me. I knew better to check but I still did. I know women check out way earlier. But it’s still all confusing as fuck to me.
I know what I need to do but I still do truly care for her and especially seeing it now that I’m sober I’m like yeah I really fucked that one up because I honestly did feel like she was my one. I really blamed myself because yeah I did mess up and kept doing the same shit over and over but she wasn’t perfect either she had her flaws and I still chose to love her.
Lot of confusion, lots of grief lots of emotion but also at the same time its like okay kinda relieving. I’ll eventually make sense of it but what do you all think?