It was worth nothing
I gave it all to you. Anything and everything I could pile at your feet so you would love me. Almost 10 years of a dragons horde, consisting of worthless affection and effort. Yet it is as never enough to pull you off your phone. Into the real world around you, to pull you into it with me
I should have known when you couldn’t sleep physically next to me. So far on the other side of the mattress you complained of being pushed out of it. Even holding me in our bed or letting my feet touch you to feel safe was to much for you. No amount of fucking you or learning to cook for you or laying my heart in the palms of your hands could change the tide that was washing in. When my need for honesty and love were never reciprocated. Flowers aren’t supposed to be strictly for apologies.
Little me would be so livid. If she knew we took a man’s last name and it was for nothing. She vowed the same way she vowed to never see 18, that she would never be her grand mother or her mother. That’s what you made her into. Quiet, compliant, hesitant to scream.
I want to move on. the fire that’s catching from the matches I’ve lit will lead the way like wisps. To get out of this cold house and be alive. Dig my nails onto the frayed edges of love until it finds me again. If it’s lived in me this deeply for so long it will come back when it’s my time. Someone who will appreciate the softness that fights every day. Someone who will see the quiet eyes of worry and know it’s out of compassion. Someone who will see me as more then a toy
I wanted to get better with you. Healthy. Happy. Finally after everything life had thrown me through. I thought you were my reward for it all.
All that mattered to you was my body. How you could get it without seeing the person you were harming. Get off without having to be a husband
..“I didn’t think it would affect you this deeply”..
it did and we both know that’s a lie. I spent a week listening to her scream in my head. Considered letting that be it. Wondering if that’s all I really boiled down to.
Then the sun shined again and I felt warmth for the first time in a long time. Sitting on that drive way with my best friend, high as the clouds and moon above me in a different state. I shouldn’t have come back.
I might not this time. What happens if I choose me? Will the world implode or will it be calm? I’m sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see it through. My last act of love will be to myself, not to you. It will not be worth nothing