Why should I keep going?
For years ever since I’ve been young, I’ve been struggling with health anxiety. Not only that, but I was also exposed to porn at a young age, giving me a porn addiction. As I’ve grown older, it’s only gotten worse, both my anxiety, and the porn addiction. My health anxiety has gotten so bad that I’ll non-stop hyper-fixate and worry, to the point where my body sometimes gets physically ill. And my porn addiction has gotten so bad that even when I try my hardest to resist the temptations, and I go weeks, sometimes even months, I end up relapsing, and repeating the process, over, and over, and over again. It also doesn’t help that I don’t know what to do with my life. I just go through each day, repeating the same motions and feeling numb. I sometimes don’t even remember what day I’m on due to it all blending together. As much as I should and some days would like to get to a therapist for my problems, I can’t afford one. I just don’t know what to do. I feel lost and numb, and as I watch my friends and family achieving great things, like getting married, having children, and living happy lives, I’m stuck here feeling like I’m doing something wrong, feeling like a worthless loser doing nothing with his life. Even when I try to better myself like eating healthier, drinking water, trying to do basic exercises to get a decent body. I still feel nothing, nor do I feel motivated. Speaking of eating, or really just enjoying my life in any way, it’s honestly hard for me to enjoy any aspect of my life, because my anxieties just linger at the back of my mind. Baking and cooking foods? I worry about the heart problems or cancers or other health concerns that come with it. Watching tv or YouTube videos? I constantly think about how little movement I’m doing and how it could cause health problems for me. Me sitting under the trees outside and enjoying the cool air and breeze? I worry about snakes, bugs, or other potential animals and species biting me, if it’s not that, I worry about getting skin cancer from the sun’s UV rays, even when I wear a hoodie and pants to cover my body. Even playing video games and playing with my dogs and kitty, or watching my favorite anime’s, all of these things that has always comforted me during some of my hardest moments in life, I can’t even use them as an escape anymore. My brain never lets me enjoy a second of my life. I just don’t know what to do. Nor do I know why I should keep pushing everyday, when I don’t feel anything, when I don’t gain anything, when even the simplest things of life, I can’t enjoy.