My boyfriend (55M) and I (45F) have been together for about 4.5 years. We’re both divorced with kids.
This has honestly been the best relationship I’ve had. We got along extremely well, rarely argued, laughed a lot, and I felt genuinely happy and secure with him. I trusted him completely. Communication always felt strong as there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk about.
Over the past year, something had started to feel off physically. The affection changed: less passion, less touch, no real intimacy behind it so I brought it up to him a couple of months ago.
He calmly responded that he wasn’t as sexually attracted to me anymore because of the weight I gained (about 20 lbs, I’ve been dealing with perimenopause). He admitted he can be superficial. For context, he’s very into fitness, strict with his diet, and follows anti-aging routines pretty intensely.
He also said how he thought this was unfair to me as he knew i wanted a long-term commitment/marriage, and he didn’t.
Then he added that on his ski trips, he sometimes looks at other women and thinks about “what if” scenarios.
I had no idea he was holding all of this in. Now I feel unattractive, sexually unappealing, rejected, and betrayed. It’s made me question our entire relationship, every scenario, every conversation.
When I asked him where this leaves us, he said he didn’t know what he wanted but definitely wanted to stay friends. A few days later, he came to my house with flowers, apologizing, saying he handled everything terribly, and now says he does see a future with me and wants to try again. He says he said those things because he wasn’t feeling well that morning.. he was drinking the night before.. whatever bs.
(He still defends the “what if” thoughts, saying looking is harmless as long as there’s no action, but to me that’s mentally cheating. Thoughts lead to actions.)
I no longer see him or our relationship through rose colored glasses. I still love him but I’m torn. My trust is shaken and I don’t feel secure as I used to. My gut is telling me to walk away. I decided to “try” to work through this (at his behest) but my heart just isn’t in it. He says he blames himself for being open and honest that our relationship is ruined and that he should’ve kept his mouth shut.
Men, what is going on here?? Is this how men think?
Ladies, what would you do? Can this realistically be rebuilt? I’ve been actively working on my health but feel ultimately that when I’m back to my normal self, he doesn’t deserve me, especially when he didn’t want me during my bad season.
💔💔💔