Perspective is Important - Let go of your guilt
My last relationship ended 4 years ago, and in that time, I internalized a lot of guilt, shame and regret. Almost to the extreme.
I am a cancer survivor and as a result of my treatments - I cannot have children. My ex knew this from the start and we had discussed it in detail, but at the time of the breakup it became one of the sole reasons she left - she had decided after many years together that she wanted children after all. And if you can't have children the natural way, all alternatives are expensive. I grew up poor, so the thought of a $100k adoption terrified me. We did not have that kind of money. We went back and forth on this issue for some time before she decided to leave. When she did leave, she threw all the blame at my feet. She used words like "toxic, manipulative," etc.
While I don't deny there were some aspects of the relationship that could've been improved, I could've done some things better, but couldn't we all in hindsight? The way she threw it all at my feet while not accepting any responsibility for her own actions deeply psychologically damaged me. Instead of past breakups where I was able to move forward, I internalized these things she said to me to my core. I accepted them as the gospel, and for 4 years, I was emotionally traumatized and unable to grow in that part of my life. I believed that I was this toxic, poisonous monster and that I deserved to be alone. My mind screamed at me some of the worst things you can imagine a person says to themself. I hated myself so much I didn't look in the mirror for an entire year. I went as far as going to the hardware store to buy rope when I was at my lowest.
I share all this with you today because something I realized recently is that perspective is important. Do not let guilt, regret, anger, shame, etc control your life. I spent those years punishing myself to the extreme. I was so wracked with guilt and regret that I put myself in self-imposed isolation, I drank and did drugs, even though I knew they were bad for me, I believed it's what I deserved for hurting someone I loved so much. I thought that if I suffered enough it would be penance for losing someone I loved so deeply. The reality was that all I was doing was delaying my own ability to heal and move forward.
Last week, I saw her with her new boyfriend. And it was painful, even though it's inevitable. I have stayed single this entire time, partly because I believed I was no good for anyone. Seeing them together was a gut punch that dredged up all those old feelings I thought I had moved past right back to the surface, and I struggled again. I felt like I was right back to where I was the day that she left.
But then, a strange thing happened. Something clicked in me that made me realize - I am not the sole person responsible for the relationship ending. It takes two people to be in a relationship, two people to work it out. And if the other person has decided it's over, that's on them. In my case, I did everything I could to try to save the relationship, but she wouldn't even meet me halfway.
Instead of being consumed by old painful memories, I literally woke up this morning and said "fuck it" every time one popped into my head. It sounds simple, but it's a huge leap forward from where I've been. These memories used to haunt me every day and eat me alive. Now, they only have the power I give them.
Be kind to yourself. If you made mistakes, make peace with them. You are not that person anymore. Do not destroy yourself over a person that does not longer exist.