At first it was because I felt privileged to have been present the moment my husband took his last breath on May 21, 2026 at 8:46am, while I held his hand. Now it's a reminder that I survived another day because there are times when I don't think I can continue living.
It must have been all the tears I shed 😂
How much crying do I have to do before the tears stop flowing? I can't do this anymore
I don't want to go. I feel I made to many arrangements or not enough, that the music I chose was wrong, that nobody will show up. I'm terrified for him.
He was intubated for ten days, the last time i saw him conscious his care team was making plans to discharge him as he was stable, I kissed him on his forehead before I left hoping to bring him home soon, the next morning I got a call that he was in the ICU due to a massive bleed, he died ten days later. Yesterday I was going through his drawers and found a cigarette butt, I put my lips around it and i guess that's what I have to settle for...I really hate this, sometimes I don't think I will survive
We were both married at the time, after our divorces we reconnected when he was 50 and I was 41. He once told me he wished we had gotten together 20 years earlier, today as I'm going through photographs that I had never seen, while looking at his handsome young face I'm falling in love with him all over again, and I'm too wishing that I had met him 20 years earlier. The regret over something that I had no control over is overwhelming, I feel cheated. I was already feeling regretfull over so many other things and I wonder does the regret ever go away?
I don't know why but I started going through his things today, I gave away his old shirts and kept the ones he liked, again I don't know why I did it, they don't bother me, now I feel guilty, I could keep them forever in this big house and they would never be in my way. I'm a minimalist, he was maximalist, it's a real conundrum that I'm not wanting to get rid of things that I know will never be used again
I picked up his urn and had his ashes transfered, went to lunch with an old friend. Now I'm home alone for the first time since he died 26 days ago. I sobbed loudly, screamed, I'm nauseous, I'm anxious, afraid of what will happen once it gets dark. How do I do this for the rest of my life?
I just finished doing laundry, I carried all of it to my closet and none to his...and it killed me a little bit more
I ventured out last night to get my mind off of this nightmare, there was a friend of my husbands sitting across from me at this establishment, I said hello and she walked over, she didn't ask the usual how are you, which I welcomed, she said "what a great loss" and gave me a hug. Those words kept playing in my head all night. I realized it is a great loss not only to me but everyone who knew him, he was an amazing man, friendly to everyone, joyful, funny, liked by everybody, he loved me and told me so everyday, he told me I was beautiful even in days I know I looked like shit. It's been 21 days since he died and her words have left me as raw as the first day.
My husband was incredibly messy, all his areas were always a cluttered mess, I struggled with this for years, after he passed I noticed that the places I've cleaned have stayed clean and I feel like an asshole for noticing this, truth is I would gladly live in pig sh*t if it meant having him home again.
My husband died May 21st, I've been absolutely shattered, but yesterday I brought his cremated remains home, since then I've felt methodically calm and now I'm questioning whether I loved him enough, is this normal? because I hate it