I moved to support my husbands career, now heavy resentment is building.
My (28F) husband (30M) and I moved cities so he could pursue a new career and I feel our relationship dynamic has done a complete 180.
For context, when we met, my husband worked in a corporate job where the pay was decent and he often worked from home and also owned his home. I was managing a medical clinic where the pay was fair, but I was progressing in my career and was able to take care of myself financially.
We moved in together and I started paying $500 a month towards house bills, while also splitting groceries, pet expenses, entertainment costs, etc. When we got married, I paid my half for the wedding.
A few months after we got married, my husband brought up the idea of making a big move to a different province to a very rural area in the Rocky Mountains so he could pursue a different career path. I was hesitant. I was stable and making a name for myself finally in my career, and knew that the town we were moving to would have very few options for me in my career, but he assured me he would take care of everything. Of course again I was hesitant to allow myself to completely rely on someone else for these things, but he wanted this so badly and was so unhappy with his current career that I just wanted him to be happy.
Last year we made the move. Bought a home in this rural area and uprooted our lives to move out here. A few months in, I found a job that unfortunately doesn’t pay as much as my old one, but it was within my career and I was happy to contribute something again.
Now, because my job pays a significant amount less, I am not able to pay as much for house expenses as I used to. I have been paying $400 a month and will still contribute something to groceries etc when I can.
This has become a huge conflict in our marriage. Tonight, he seemed off, so I asked him what was wrong. He mentioned to me how his friends all get to have extra money to go golfing and buy toys like project cars and dirtbikes and he just works constantly and pays bills and never gets to have any fun because of it. Although it was not directly said, I know it was a backhanded way of saying that if I made more money he would be able to afford to do those things. This was not the first time we have had similar conversations, but I feel I’m at a breaking point with it. To be made to feel like I’m never doing enough.
He has suggested in the past there is jobs open at the plants in the area we live in, which is a COMPLETELY different industry that I work in. My job would be considered “pink collar” and I do love the industry that I’m in. I’ve been working in it for 7 years now and have finally found something I love and I’m good at. Aside from that, I don’t have the credentials, nor the desire to go work in a dirty plant. My job also gives me a good work life balance, so when he is working 12 hour days on night shift, I am able to be home early enough to walk the dog, clean the house, and make dinner. Overall housekeeping chores.
This as now also effected our intimate life. Because of our schedules, we don’t get time off together as frequently which can make that part difficult. And for the past little while, this is the way he acts when we do have time together and it really doesn’t put me in any type of mood to be intimate. Today I was talking to him about how the name for PCOS was changed to PMOS (which is a disorder I struggle with) and he later took that as me making an excuse for our lack of intimacy. He said that he struggles with me having this disorder because I’m not like his friends partners who are all over them all the time and that makes him feel bad. I was so hurt and flabbergasted that someone could say that a disorder that affects every part of my life (infertility, weight gain, hormonal imbalance, etc.) was so inconvenient for them.
I have been very quiet now all night. I’m extremely hurt. I’m not trying to say that his feelings aren’t valid, but I feel he fails to see how the things he does and says really just sounds to me like I am a huge burden in his life, even after I gave up so much and made myself so vulnerable so he could have the career he wants.
Am I overreacting? How do we come to an agreement so we don’t continue in this cycle?
Edit:
I wanted to clear some things up as I can understand that the $400 a month contribution does seem low. However I do not ask him for money for anything. I pay for my own gas, car insurance, phone, student loans (to which he has none) as well as anything else I need. I still contribute to pet costs, groceries, and purchasing things we need in our home.
To clear up my job, I work in the beauty industry. To move to a very secluded area with a small population means rebuilding my clientele, which takes time. I have been starting to do better and contribute more, but the first year was definitely difficult. If I got a second job we would have to pay someone to help with our animals and cleaning/chores. And I don’t have the credentials required to work in the plants nearby.
My husband is genuinely a good person. I know that he has gone through a lot of changes as well in this past year, and I really am just trying to find a way to make him understand it’s not as easy as it sounds for me to continuously give up my happiness to try to make him happy, especially when it feels like nothing is ever good enough for him.