u/DavidGolich

The world is a difficult place, and no one likes someone who escapes the effort. Hell needs no guards, because the prisoners drag each other back down before they can escape. I understand that metaphor, at least, but... but... but... but I am delusional and kind of refuse the principal, or something. Maybe I am idealist. maybe I am just not hungry enough. Maybe I am simply mad billionaires can throw away the keys to our slavery because they like opulent watches and hoarding the resources to humanities salvation.

Maybe I am just not being realistic. Maybe I haven't suffered enough to earn freedom. Maybe I am just not that lucky. Probably, none of that even matters. Kind of mumbling in written form with this one, things are not working out as well as I had hoped, and I've decided its time to quit nicotine - again. I've been pretty good about not smoking cigarettes for the past several months but the vape is starting to annoy me, and when it's the same price as a bus ticket it seems a lot less necessary.

I'm hesitant to leave only because I can't stay gone, it's difficult to make those arrangements. Every 3 day adventure is a few hundred dollars further from The Great Escape. I have to hope the latter is possible at all, but nothings easy. Nothing good comes easy, they say. Tired of cliche's and truisms but the facts are kind of written on the wall, and I'm pretending I can't read to try and get around the eye test.

Tried to scream, but it only came out as a yawn

More less, more some, more thumbs - 6 at once, just test for the jest. More less. More sum, more multiple thumbs. Clean me, dirty bed, head to rest. More tomorrow, less today, less to say.

The Canadian fraud department is fucking GOATED. In other news the perfectly located, beautiful little apartment I was looking at was not real. I avoided disaster but I feel sorry for the next guy, gal, whoever.

On good terms with the family again, I think we kind of understand eachother now. I’ve been kind of a shitheqd but the circumstances have called for it, it’s a consequence of action. Long story. My mom apologized for raising me so sheltered and we said we loved eachother, she told me to go explore the world. It makes my heart sink a little, and I feel like she gets it now.

I’m walking home from the bank as I type this. I almost lost 800$, but I feel like I gained a lot more.

Now it’s time to do it all over again. Thanks areas of doing the exact same thing I’m going to try and avoid the room search as much as I can and just look for a reputable realtor who specializes in low-income individuals. Utilize the government services that exist and stop trying to offer cash bribes to strangers for rooms that may or may not exist.

I had pizza, a cigar, and bought myself a little weed vape. First non-vape smokable in months, I felt like it was between that or having a few drinks at the bar, and I couldn’t bring myself the start drinking at noon.

Few breathes later and I feel like today was a success. I’m wondering what I can with the phone numbers and email of the scammer, I would love to ruin their day as much as possible. I’m going to report the listings when the get home and try to move onto more useful tasks, though.

With lots of salt,
Walter Davis.

Cloudy forgiveness a moat for the molasses of contempt, where rivers meet with golden teeth. A root issue divided and concrete, never said, under the sun, for a lonely night, where fish meet. One moonlight, two sunlight, three for the dusk, straight to tomorrow. Lost in some, lost in none. Adjacent to anything, try and receive, try and relieve. All these bitter reeds, windblown seeds, searching for clean dirt.

Hollowed footsteps, Thursday whispers, solstice whiskers, apostrophe calamity. All to gloat; goated revelry. A drink to Pan; water, please. Quiet inside, silent insight, the feeling of peace. Pieces apart, falling endlessly, floating by it all with a slight wave and a nervous smile. A moment to breathe, exhausted by hate, wondering "Redemption?".

A wanderers dream is a sailors plight, a forgotten memory. A little sorrow with a cup of tea, searching for the place where laughter can be loud, where minds are mind. Where when how, all of this is released, nothing can stay, and "I" loses me. Can we remember the feeling, of epiphany, of tranquility? Where we talked to God, personally, and saw the revelation of beauty - a smear of all of the colours, across all of reality.

Do you remember the goosebumps? The joy of knowing. The joy of knowing you have forgotten, only temporarily. I remember the sounds. I remember the eyes, how everything was "I" and I saw everything in time. These moments are kind, beautiful insight, my chest wants to cry. My heart wants to sink. My legs feel heavy, and, my spaghetti is bloody.

Every time I feel free, something reminds me, a heavy hook to drag me back down to reality. I want to escape all things and feel nothing, just for a time, an undetermined duration. Just to be able to breathe. Maybe forever, to asorb and process, this feeling of flow. this awkward stumble. this laughing jester. A brief gesture. a trance-like dance of tangents and thought-forms, just for a moment. Stop texting me, and let me experience this.

Like a drug it comes and goes. It's nice to know these feelings can still exist.

Eh I feel like bitching and moaning. One of humanities favourite pastimes, really. I feel like I have crossed the point of no return, and it feels to me as ominous as it sounds to read. The clock is ticking now. I don't think there's any coming back from this, nor is there any desire. Still I feel like I have lost something, and I can imagine missing it. I know what I want now and it's very hard to find, it's offered but specifically, not to people like me... most of the time at least; that's why I'm going to keep looking anyways.

It does feel kind of humiliating though. You must prove you are worthy of surviving to be eligible. Now, dance. The whole premise gives me a subtle urge to self-destruct and avoid the whole everything entirely, and I admit it sounds good sometimes. I still wish to exist, despite so much of everything boiling down to us all acting in some hilariously insulting forced performance together. Maybe I just don't know how to act human.

I've been scrolling r/vagabond a decent amount, I have to be honest it looks like the most fun a person can have. Those frozen moments in time look beautiful and sadly I think they are best experienced that way, instead of actually being there in the moment and frozen in the cold. I'm still day dreaming about it, part of me hopes I can envision a way to do something similar and not end up alone, outside, sleeping on hostile architecture. It's a fun thought.

I wish hostels were a more realistic option. They sound cheap but the days add up over a month, they're just another way to prey on the despot, sold as a cheap lodging alternative. For the price of a hostel for a month, you could live in a comfortable studio apartment. The way we handle shelter is frankly embarrassing as a country. It's stupid, and has no logic behind it other than maximizing capital.

The whole drive away from the capital endevour makes me imagine becoming a monk, at times, but even that is flawed. Why must we escape all of the vital things in life, just to escape the materialism that binds us? Another option cut. Eventually I am left in this place where there are no real options, at least, not obvious ones. There's a ton of bad options. Infinitely so. So many terrible choices. I wish I could be indecisive, but winter will come. I wish I could be impulsive, but the safety net will run out.

I hate it, to admit it, but my future is decided by luck and the moral judgement of a stranger. I don't think I could pass my own judgement. But I'll dance, I guess. I'll hate myself for it, but I can play the part. So I say at least, the reality is I'm discarding options because the people have "willing to hang out" as one of the necessary criteria for roommate material.. and it sounds terrible. Like the last thing I want to do. Some performative hangout sesh as if we're still in high school competing for popularity.

I like people, it's the whole reason I'm breaking my current reality, so I can rebuild it where people actually are. I want to be inundated, surrounded, and among other people. I want to hear so many voices at once I lose myself, again. I don't want to hangout in the living room trying to entertain people, that sounds like hell. We all need a private space we can take off our shell in. I'm not looking for a room because I want to be friends with people in the house, I want a roof and running water, that's it.

There's a word for someone like me and I'm not finding it right now, it's not great though. I see that much. I am who I am and I hope that I can become less of that, through exposure. I'm trying at least to move in with people who are around my age, and who can speak my language, I imagine I can be comfortable but.. it's a little tough to imagine. I'm not sure I can co-exist in such proximity to others for extended periods, to be entirely honest, but it just boils down to who the others are. I'm judging them as much as they're judging me.. the whole thing is exhausting. I have in mind a very specific spot now and I'm delaying progress hoping that something pops up, a few do every day.

I am a true weirdo though, thinking about it. I really do just want to be around people so I can observe, I don't feel like I want to be a part of it all myself. I just want to see what it's like. I guess I hope I just fall into it, its easier than trying to adjust slowly.

but yeah not much progress. My options are broad and my taste narrow, my eligibility narrower still. Something will have to give eventually.

I don't feel like I am dying anymore, GG stomach. I stuffed my face with handfuls of spinach and kale, more like a rabbit than a health nut. Rice cakes are also very pleasant on the stomach. I come off as some kind of vegan with that sentiment but I really am just a man whose stomach has turned against him. Can't really help but imagine all of the little bugs and critters hidden in little fractal forests of the kale leaf ends. Instead of trying to pretend there are no such things, I'm finding a little more relief in just not caring either way; can't be that dangerous.

Carbonated drinks are also kind of a massive relief, though it feels counter productive. I think right now any calories are good calories but all of the sugar is kind of grossing me out on a psychological level, as enjoyable as it is.

Where do you want to be when the next stage of human civilization occurs? My heart seems to be pulling me as close to the epicenter as I can manage. I can't imagine existing on the sidelines of what is about to come. I really am looking forward to the future, but that might only be because I feel like I have come from hell. It can be hard to remember how much better things have gotten, but it's important not to just accept that you'll never get to experience much of the joys of life. the kind of acceptance that leads to old age regrets. Everyone deserves the experience of being humanity.

3e3e3e3eT

I am feeling a little unwell honestly, I think at some point I decided I didn't care enough to eat and I'm just not able to unflip that switch, food is making me feel sick and I am kind of starving. At least I think that's what I'm feeling. I am so uncomfortable here that I am rebelling in the only way I can, really, self-destructively and quietly. Trying to feel like I am not here at all.

I've been working though. Probably sent off a dozen requests for various rooms in the past few days, so far nothing that's seemed suitable has been available yet. it's difficult to focus right now though, and I can think of little else except for the pain in my stomach and an immense urge to just sleep, despite just waking up

Should look into finding a Realtor kind of person to streamline finding me a room, maybe. I'm feeling impatient but I have time, I just need to start eating properly again. This reality can be so embarrassing at times. I should have kept my plans to myself because now everything is set in stone, it's a shame when you can't trust your own family to help you feel safe and comfortable.

My mom says she'll probably never see me again if I move. I say it's only 2 hours away, that's kind of sad if that stops us from seeing eachother. But at least a small part of me is glad, that I won't be around people who respond with anger to everything and anything. inb4 I insult all parents who get mad at their depressed children, there's at least a few reading this. Shitheads.

Either way I'm too old for this. I should have focused more in university, and just never came back. Now is better than never at least. It's easy to blame. easy to wish. Easy to be mad about being gaslit and manipulated by stupid people who happen to be louder than I am. Easy to be resentful tbh. I'm trying as much as I can to put myself in a place where I can let all of that go, finally.

until then I'm just going to keep working on finding a room, and trying to force myself to eat enough to get rid of this pain.

Man I am TERRIFIED. I am nervous, smiling and shaking, and my brain is racing - all for some kind of hope of a better future. It's overwhelming, and there's no slowing down.

I have a place picked out now, I'm lowering my standards and trying to accept what I can actually afford. That's the only way. Coming my way is a private bedroom, with shared bathroom and kitchen with a few strangers. I think that's okay. I'm just hoping I don't live to regret this.

I'm going to have to sell a lot of my stuff, I think. I'm alternating between not caring about it, and being a little disheartened. Mostly books, art stuff, weight equipment. It's dumb but I have a couple big work tables I quite enjoy, some plants. I think the only thing worth any kind of money is the weight equipment, and that 400$ makes almost no difference anyways. I might just give it to my brother, I'm hoping he gives me a hand moving the stuff I am able to keep, was planning on paying him anyways.

I wish things were different, I don't mind it here entirely, but the inability to feel human is too much. I live in a repurposed garage, with walls and roof unfinished, with probable mold, and sleep on a piece of foam. I cook every meal on a hotplate or in a mini-oven, and it gets so cold in the winter that water freezes on my floor. Because it leaks.

I have to imagine Sisyphus happy. No but, I have to imagine that somewhere else must be better than here.

it's very scary though. I don't know whats out there, at least I know this version of hell well.

I think I went from depressed to a little manic, and my reddit suggestions have shifted from r/doomer to r/enlightenment. it's funny but kind of misleading in the worst kind of way. I realized at some point I was doing a lot of whining and misery wallowing. I'm kind of halfway back there now, I think a lot of the hype of the festival has worn off and I am back to feeling overstimulated by nothing. life is a really difficult problem and I'm sort of frozen. I can't really let myself feel, feelings, I'm not sure I could handle it.

I can't explain why it hurts, that I can love someone enough to leave. The next few weeks might alter the course of the rest of my entire life, I have to focus, I can't be distracted. Reminders of guilt, sorrow, loss, hope itself feel redundant. They are the catalyst. Pause for dramatic effect. It's less that I'm certain and more that I am already overwhelmed and everything seems to have a chance at crumbling the small but growing spirit I have been cultivating with all my available awareness. There is room for nothing else.

I think that's a sign there's something quite wrong with me, but I try and not hold onto those kinds of suspicions, we are given what we are given and the only thing one can do is utilize it best as possible.

My goals today are pretty simple, I want to have a burger and take a shower. Life really can be that simple. I have been eating terribly the last few weeks and have half-justified it as a spiritual fast, but I admit I have learned little other than what it feels like to be annoyed by hunger.

I am still processing what to do next, but I'm starting to piece together a plan. So far it looks like a studio apartment in Windsor. There's so many questions still in the air, but some dumb simple ones still linger as well, with the place being so far away there's no realistic chance of seeing it in person before hand. I could find a place closer but that defeats the purpose, there's nothing here. I don't think I can find a better location, not one I can actually afford, other than Windsor.

My anxious ass wants certainty, and there is none.

"Jump, jump, jump, jump, do a flip while you're at it"

My mental conversation is really much like that, trying to goad myself into jumping ship, and feeling like I might be doing something incredibly stupid. Above all of that is knowing that inaction is the only incorrect option. I think that I need to find comfort first, shelter, and then I can worry about trying to do anything with my life.

I'm not really interested in doing anything really important or even noteworthy. I see how hard life is for everyone already, I think what makes it so hard is that we strive for so much. I don't want shit other than to feel like I can be myself. Let me find that first, and then maybe I can become human.

I have been working on it, not just wishfully thinking. My plan is shifting from some minor adventure to an actual new start, and the planning feels like the difference between enjoying my new life, and regretting it.

So do it right, that's the goal. I hope I can make noticeable progress on this front in the coming weeks. At the very least if nothing greater happens, I'll spend a few days in Ottawa at the end of the month.

so it was said, let it be done. This here is my sigil, charged, unedited, discarded, then forgotten.

Post

My heart is RACING. Just anticipation. I am kind of overwhelmed by the thought alone.

Do I stay or do I go?

I'm feeling a sense of freedom that I'm kind of possessive of, a proof of possibility to refute the dying of the light. I have no rage, only a sense of curiosity, maybe a little hunger. These fleeting experiences make up the brightness of reality itself, and seem to be the only real things between long streaks of grey. Even this moment is only real because of the wonder of what is to come.

I am terrified. Learning to enjoy this feeling, the one you get before you drop into an abyss. it's change, it's chance, it's.. something other than stale air and the same old silence. I feel alive and nervous and like I could freeze in place and never act again.

It's pointless and the only thing that matters to me, I want it more than anything and I'm still scared of touching it. What am I?

I think I need to leave, just to know that answer myself.

For the missed chances I’m grateful there was ever at all - further tomorrow than today, another adventure. I think Ottawa is next, I’m not sure. I feel like I’ve missed something beautiful today.

I packed the courage to approach and the times I was instead, I kind of froze. I’m kind of mad at myself but I’m trying to be friendly too, today’s a fluke, I haven’t done something like this since last year. Just being out and around people is an experience both overwhelming and fascinating to me.

I hope it becomes easier the more I throw myself into it. It’s fun but my calves hurt and I’m thirsty now. Let the Rave happen soon, and more again before the snow hits. I need to know what it’s like just to be human.

Taxis almost here and the bugs are biting my fingers, so that’s that for now

My minds everywhere still, trying to float to the ground but it's carried about by strong currents. I'm not here to complain and whine endlessly, at least probably not. I do want to devolve into word soup though, to evacuate the garbled feelings somewhere tangible. When I sit and think about words to write, I miss, come to mind, and then I hate myself for a moment. This seems to be a reoccurring thing, and I can't even put a name to who I miss exactly. In my mind swirls a cloud of faces, voices, moments frozen in time. It's almost like I've been living the same few dozen seconds for the past 10 years. The world is made and broken in the blink of an eye, and I have to remember how fragile it is.

It's hard to connect at all, I really just want to escape - to be somewhere without interruption, for awhile. I seemed to have trained myself not to show affection. I feel like a captive. I want to run away, the ol' grand escape.

It's a fun thought to consider, and I feel shivers contemplating it further. How serious can you be, why, how? I can remember dreams of being lost in rainy cities, and finding lodging with other wanderers. Bus and Cafe. Part of me feels calmer now, knowing that these things don't just have to be wishful thinking, that I have the ability to leave and to survive. To go, anywhere. I don't need to be here.

The truth is kind of hard to accept. I need to go, I really think so. I'm only really here for my mother and well, that's complicated. She's alright without me.

It's more myself, that I'm worried about. I'm worse off if I stay, though. I'm just too angry here, the resentment, all of the negative feelings seem tied to this place... that's just not who I am. I don't know who I am either, I don't feel like I've had the chance to find out yet.

I need to think about it. Leaving here for somewhere worse isn't the goal, and wandering until I've spent the little savings I have is stupid, even if it's exactly what I want to do most. Wander with a cause.

Wander with a cause...

I feel some kind of sense of peace now that I’m grateful for, it’s not unshakable but it’s present. It’s been about a week of minimal eating and I’m feeling better, my heart is a little happier and I feel more aware, I guess.

Friday is a big day. There’s a little music festival in town I’ll be visiting, looking forward to wandering around in the dark. I’m in bed listening to some kind of ambient music with an overly profound title. It’s hot. I’m tired.

I like this, this moment of comfort. Things have been going wrong for a long time, so even this little bit of peace and hope is important to me.

The peace is the important thing. I miss being more social but the silence is beautiful as well, when the world is actually quiet. Isolation and noise in combination are a different kind of pain, at least in silence even the despair has a chance to become something.

Still have faith. The future has become unknown again and if I let myself experience the wonder, I fully believe novelty will save me from myself, mostly. It’s been jarring. I had plans and they’ve been shattered. It was enough to make me opt out of reality entirely for awhile. But god fucking damnit, I’m not going down without a party.

Peas

Life has left me feeling frozen in place, and I've quietly quit. It's a kind of apathetic rebellion, but I can't say I like this. I search for some kind of alternative, but cannot find it within the noisy chatter of my mind. It is like I am simply waiting for the world to end, and I can do nothing but hope it hurries up.

I have changed as a person, and it's becoming worse. It's difficult to care about anything really, myself or others. I still have the longing to connecting, but an inability to do so. Hit next, GG. I feel like I am nothing, just everything. A shallow spread of all of the colours, a shade between vomit green and piss yellow.

This is a period in time, nothing more. It'll get it better, it'll get worse. all of the above will occur. Let time end so I can begin again. Free me from the ground I came out of. Somewhere between a prayer and a letter of resignation.

I love you, go away. I wish I could state confusion but I think I know why I'm like this, humans might be social creatures but they eat their own. Everyone's an apex predator, and I'm just another little monster. I'd rather be something, somewhere, else, instead of being caught in in this doomspiral.

It used to all make sense. Maybe I am just misremembering.

Reddit recommended I post this here, which is hilarious and kind of sad at the same time, but there it is.

Life has left me feeling frozen in place, and I've quietly quit. It's a kind of apathetic rebellion, but I can't say I like this. I search for some kind of alternative, but cannot find it within the noisy chatter of my mind. It is like I am simply waiting for the world to end, and I can do nothing but hope it hurries up.

I have changed as a person, and it's becoming worse. It's difficult to care about anything really, myself or others. I still have the longing to connecting, but an inability to do so. Hit next, GG. I feel like I am nothing, just everything. A shallow spread of all of the colours, a shade between vomit green and piss yellow.

This is a period in time, nothing more. It'll get it better, it'll get worse. all of the above will occur. Let time end so I can begin again. Free me from the ground I came out of. Somewhere between a prayer and a letter of resignation.

I love you, go away. I wish I could state confusion but I think I know why I'm like this, humans might be social creatures but they eat their own. Everyone's an apex predator, and I'm just another little monster. I'd rather be something, somewhere, else, instead of being caught in in this doomspiral.

It used to all make sense. Maybe I am just misremembering.

idk I need to be patient. I want to uproot my life though, and I have the money to start. The last few years have been a blur of patience. Just waiting. Waiting to die, sometimes. Still living, and it feels like I never planned for it. Not sure what to do from here, where to go, how to survive somewhere else. I need to go, though, and I want to be able to survive it. Not just waiting to die. Every alternative is terrifying, so is the current reality. Catch 22 frozen in tow - I'm being dragged alone by something that seems to be above myself. I'm waiting on a psychotic break or an epiphany. Nothing makes sense.

I need to go somewhere I haven't seen before, and meet people I've never met. I don't know any other way forward from here, I can't see an option. I have no good choices, only gambles. Maybe I have no good ideas, no insight. Everything is difficult and I'm not motivated to fight over scraps. None of this matters, the means to an end has become the end itself and it's just not worth it.

I wish things didn't have to change. I wish my father hadn't died before I became a man. I wonder what that relationship would have felt like. To be human and allowed to let myself feel these things, instead of shutting down and shutting up. Quiet should not be mistaken for peace.

the plan didn't plan accordingly and Murphy's law is afuck. It went wrong because it could, duh. Beyond that. Tired of dwelling. I feel like I am suffocating with no answer. No response. Any choice I make burns all of the other bridges, and I am stuck in this indecision. I'm alone and I'm starting to think I should be, I can't imagine bringing another person into my environment, sharing my suffering like that.

Feeling like I can't help myself, and that there is no kind of help that can be offered. I'm not sure I'd be able to accept it even if there was. I am filled with a variety of sad emotions and this desire to find a path forward. try as I might the challenge seems insurmountable, and it seems like I always fall asleep before making any kind of progress.

Riot. A younger me is screaming, just run.

Just go.

Thought dump tldr wild rice with powdered cheese and avocado grease - life liffens and lives livingings - long belongings isolated isosceles triangles. Weep reap, sow, sot, suet, sue, carry on "my name is" - slim, earl, joe, list.

Hangry salty, thirsty faulty, fuck it all, fuck it all sideways. Jaded. darken, deepen, laugh it off, brighten up. Life is this constant struggle against the gravity that is entropy, reaching for something of light as I fall into darker darknesses. At least it's shady. let me learn how to suckle the algae from the damp walls, to glow in the dark so I can scramble my way around down here. Forget pride. I want to drift with the bottom feeders and live efficiently.

It was a joke anyways. All is forgiven and all is forgotten, do what you want with it. The weight of life is debt enough, forsake those who add to the weight. Whatever that means - it was a joke anyways. Context dependent specifics in mind against the grain unless it's off the side of a ship, into shark infested waters. Common sense impedes the pursuit of purpose; I wish I was stupid. Lose the insecurity and sanity that keeps everything down, contained, restrained - reserved. patience and tame is the obedient family dog.

Riot, apathetic protest, dismissed anger, betrayed fleeting jaded, why care at all - why don't we care more? Inaction is action and no action is meaningful, inaction is defeat and all roads lead to Rome, the route cause of disaster is ourselves, our only savour. Save yourself. Maybe you should have saved Jesus instead of being so self-centered. Save yourself, save others, everyone for themselves - alone we die, together we fall.

Weird. Why? Why not, because, why not. Why not? Weird. Why then, why at all, and why not then? Why so if then why not, and how so if why then why not? Why then why when and why how, when why?

Jesus christ, I hate my brain. Save me, so I can save myself, so I can give up and live without earning a living. Throw it away, it matters too much to waste. It's too much not to waste. It matters enough to waste. There's nothing that matters too waste. There's so little to waste. There is whatever there is, but what are you going to do with it?

Void of substance; free from sense. Secure in the ephemeral, transitory, fleeting, imaginary. Freedom from time and space. Freedom from ones illusion, sanity, consciousness, awareness. Freedom from delusion, uncertainty, ignorance, hesitation. Freedom from pursuit, from search, from context.

Nothing then left there, a little abode in a small grass hill, hidden by the valley of calamity.

I kind of feel like I don't have the words. There is no good, single word, to describe the thing - all I can manage is this kind of string of contradiction and, well whatever it is. Well whatever, that is, Well, whatever, it is. Well whatever it is, I am, whatever this is.

Can I go now, I wonder? Some other where. I wonder if it'd be better there. I would pray but I don't really believe in that, that much. I still have to refrain from writing my impulsive thoughts. I've annoyed myself through my own complaining, and God isn't answering.

I need a break from the evil of this place, a break from the break I've been taking. The vacations and the work both bring the same kind of feeling, I wish I was sleeping; that the world would stop waking me up. Somehow I've grown to enjoy even the nightmares.

So I sit here feeling like I'm rotting, compelled to write because this feels like one of the only useful habits I have. One of the healthy ones. I'm waiting and it feels like things are expiring. My heart and soul and mind feel like they are degrading, shallow forms of what they used to be. Even in this rare moment of silence I'm fighting myself, to find a purpose, to find a human feeling I can act on. I've started to enjoy the isolation and it frightens me... I don't think I really need anyone. I would probably be better off entirely alone, though I still don't exactly want to be. I don't want to not be, either. I sometimes wish I wasn't at all. Now I'm just happy I exist in the first place.

I don't know how to express love. It's too much or nothing at all. A drug or an illness. It feels like society is something witnessed through a screen rather than a thing that really is.

I feel like it's time to suffer again, just to get out of this phase, to be motivated to even want to try and be human again. I guess is this that, an attempt at humanity. A lot of people just impulsively vomit their thoughts into the void without regard. I find myself unable to really do that like I used too, i feel cautious and hesitant, like there's some kind of danger. One doesn't need strangers to give them more reasons to hate themselves.

I dunno, some thoughts, I'm not sure what that cleared up. My brain is a little more empty. I feel as lost as when I started. I still think there's nothing really to care about. This place is so temporary and I have so little stake in it. I find myself thinking that maybe my next life will be better, but I don't think I even believe in reincarnation. Not intentionally. I guess I don't know what I believe. I know life is an odd thing. I know it's shorter than I ever wanted to believe, and I know I don't want to waste whatever I have left of it.

I don't know what that means exactly.
It means I'm sorry, at the least.