u/Dazzling-Past5141

alright, don't be like me, take the hint the first time before God slaps you with it

so, the 1st time was in high school cause of something of liking me but not knowing how to(3 months in) and we got back the next year. (1st mistake)

We were fine for the next 2 years with the occasional fights here and there, until this last april (1st week of april), where she told me she was having an emotional affair with someone, i was said but she said she said she'll break it, i said cool and we tried again. (2nd mistake)

a few days later things going fine, going normal, she saying she loves me, thinking of being the one to get rings (lol) and just dreaming of the day we live together...then out of no where, i get a text from her, saying she really likes this guy but loves me, and chooses me (yes, they kept texting), i told her to just end it ad if she doesn't then it's not gonna work, she says she'll cut him of, cool. we try again (3rd mistake).

things see, to be going awkward, for abit and just when thngs be getting fine she tells me there's more to the story, it wasn't just flirty texts, there were hugs, sexual comments during said hugs, how at some point she was just ready to leave me for him, how she sent a selfie of herself to him (the same day i talked about how i had a failed suicide attempt in primary school, the conversation just went there, i won't go into detail) and so on. i still said we're gonna be fine (4th mistake)

Things seem to be going fine for a good while, then as we watching a movie, she tells me how she's still getting texts from this guy and she's texting back, i ask her why she can't just ignore him things just escalate, she tells me he changed his number to text her and wondered what she should do, (umm, ignore him? the same way you so comfortably did during some of our fight??), but of course....i didn't leave (5th mistake)

i then find out she's in this stage where she wants to just tell the world she's single, but some part of her is stopping her, how she loves me but isn't certain about me, and i instead of leaving kept trying to help her during her cries and struggles where i could. This goes on for a while and i just never left. (6th mistake)

now...notice how i haven't said anything about how i felt through this whole thing, cause when ever i brought up my concerns or feelings it was "maybe we're dragging this out", or "are you that done with me and this?" and so and so.....wtf?

and guess how we broke up?

i wanted a week to myself, a week to actually sit down and settle on where it is we are in this thing then boom "listen neh, we're dragging this out".....only diffrence is this time i didn't fight, i just watched her, then next thing i know i'm getting sent a nice, long breakup message, ngl i panicked for abit, i wanted to cry, i was and still is sad but i was mostly relived by the whole thing just ending.

It's like i was finally able to breath...but here's my thing, i know where she come's from, her upbringing, strict environment and so on, so i could never really hate her. i love her and always did and that leads me to my question.

how do i stop myself from taking her back cause i know idiot me is gonna just open his arms and act as if nothing happened but i don't want that. (i already blocked her, it's the in person confrontation i'm worried about or i could just be worried about nothing and she doesn't come back, idk)

alright

so i(19 m) and f(19 f) broke up after 3 years (2 years, 9 months so be exact) broke up today

but this isn't the 1st time it happened, the 1st was in highschool (3 months into the relationship) where she told me she likes me but doesn't know how to and so on, we got back the next year

things where going well, fights here and there, i trigger her, she triggers me and so on. Recently (1st week of April) she told me she was having an emotional affair with someone at her work, this hurt me, but i for some reason thought "it'll be okay, we can get through this" (yes, 1st mistake).

A week or so later she tells me she's still talking to this guy....wtf, she tells me she likes him but loves me and chooses me, i was hurt again but was optimistic, saying she should cut it off so we can actually work through this (2nd mistake).

The the next few days i'm learning more about what actually happened in this affiair, the flirty texts, the hugs and innappriate comments and how she liked them, how she was ready to just leave me for him but he said nah, sending selies of herself and so on, i was crushed, BUT STILL said we can work through it cause she said she did cut him of (3rd mistake)

So go about our days, then tells me of how she doesn't wanna end this but her body and mind are telling her that she should be single, she loves me but is uncertain about me ig? this turns into the new constent, she loves me but doesn't wanna leave...cool. So the reminder of this whole relationship we're tryna work it through, she comes to me with concerns i hear, fel hurt but still give advice were i can (i should have taken the hints from God before he decided to slap me with the answer).

Then one day i learn they still texting...tf, but in her words he's getting new numbers to text her and she texts back about how great her relationship is and whatnot...cool...why are you still texting? just ignore him like you easily did me when you get pissed at me. but she finally does and i'm like "good, now we can work on this relationship properly"(4th mistake)

now notice how i haven't fully shared my concerns and thoughts about this whole thing yet, cause when ever i did, it turned into a "we're just dragging this out" or "are you that done with me" or so on and so on...everytime. i tried sucking it in but today i really just needed some space to think, like for me to actually process where this whole thing is cause up till now i've just been focusing on her and her feelings....
"we're dragging this out"
cool, this time i just let it happen cause no, i'm tired, i'm exhausted, i been feeling like an old dude for a while, you atack me for talking to my mom about this whole thing, saying stuff like "why didn't you just come talk to me" like wtf.
So this time i didn't stop her, i just watched her send her long message on how this isn't working, how she feels frustraded and cries and so on and so on, then she finally says goodbye. i said my good bye, wishing her well (i kept mine short cause really, wha'ts dumping more stuff gonna do?)

So yeah that's the story, now time for the advice.

i don't trust myself, i feel like i'm just gonna open my arms for her next time she comes but i don't want that. Cause the thing is i know how she grew up in a strict home and so on, i know why she's acting like this and cause of that i can honestly never hate her, i love her, i know i do. i'm gonna cry cause this relationship meant alot to me, i'm sad it did end but the main feeling is relife it's finally over and i feel like i'm gonna fuck that up by just allowing her back in the second she askes.

how do i prevent that?