I left a not terrible marriage and now I ruin everything
Oh how does one even do this?
Well as many probably experienced, covid either brought the best or the worst out in relationships. My marriage basically fell apart during that time, and because we had very little to no communication or interaction, we were both completely isolated, but together.
Finally I had to find someone(s) to connect with (after a year of quarantine I was completely losing it), and started writing penpals. I did not find it easy to find penpals for adults.
I often thought about how life would never be the same and maybe we’d be stuck inside forever. It was a downward spiral that didn’t seem to have a bottom. Then I thought about people who were stuck inside forever (prisoners) and how bad it must feel to be completely forgotten. So I wanted to write prisoners to remind them that somebody knows they exist. I also wrote first responders, teachers, etc. Just as a way to say thank you.
This is where it gets crazy. Soooo.. I wound up falling completely in love with a penpal. Head over heels, had never felt anything so strong. Asked for a divorce and moved across the country try to be near my “beloved”.
To explain a little about my marriage: it was sexless for 10+ years, in his eyes I could never do anything right, and although he’d never admit it out loud, surely I was a burden to him as I have always just been a hot mess (adhd diagnosed 3 years after divorce. So who knows, maybe that, or I’m not sure what’s wrong with me).
Both of us sucked at communication. I thought never fighting meant it was a pretty good marriage (excluding the intimacy), but turns out it really means that you aren’t communicating. Neither of us was blameless. Both of us deserve someone who can love us the way we ought to be loved.
So our marriage wasn’t terrible, it just had no passion and we were just surviving, not thriving. I grew up in chaos, so the fact that he was never physically violent with me was enough for me to say it was not terrible.
So I left the marriage for a convict, who after 3 years tried to trick me into committing a crime (I was naive and couldn’t imagine someone who loved me would ever ask of me these things). I make bad choices, but breaking the law is not one of them. So I refused and broke off the relationship.
Perhaps not surprisingly, my life has gone straight to shit ever since. I got a dog and he was really sick most his whole life, I had him 2 years before he passed away from an acute GI bleed. That wrecked me and I grieved a year + (like crying all day, not eating, walking 3-6 miles a day bc I couldn’t stand how quiet it is in here without him). Oh and I went bankrupt due to being stupid with money and also spending anything to save him.
Due to various and long standing reasons, my relationship with my dad was severed during this time, and my (ex)best friend and I had a falling out, I’ve failed 4 different psych meds, and I thought I’d found love but it turned out I was a great distraction.
Finally I felt like I was ready to try again, and I got my soul dog, Zara. Since my first dog had been so sick all the time, every little thing she did that was normal was a celebration to me. Well 3 weeks ago I learned she had bone cancer that had spread to her lungs so she crossed the rainbow bridge 2 weeks ago. I’m still in a dissociative fog I think.
I often think about how maybe I should have just stayed in the not terrible marriage, because now everything I touch seems to break. (Even though acknowledging that I think he and I deserve better than what we were capable of giving each other). I think about how- maybe I asked for too much and now I’m being punished for it. Except it’s not me being punished, it’s everyone who comes into my life.
It’s not like I’m going to do anything about it, but if I was no longer here, that would be just fine by me. Nothing seems to have a point anyways and everything I try for is a fail.
I don’t ever tell ppl that story bc it sounds crazy, but knowing my background it makes complete sense to me to risk it all to “save” someone from being totally forgotten by the world.