My (20M) ex (21M) just got with the person he failed polyamory with after both of them used a bunch of kids against each other, and I was right all along and could go nuclear if I wanted. How far is too far?
Hello, I'm gonna be honest and say I learned my posting etiquette from Reddit podcasts, so please let me know if there's anything I can correct!! Decided to come to the source cause some of the advice y'all give ends up being really insightful and I don't really have any uninvolved older adult parties to get advice from.
Me and my ex both technically met in high school, however our only interaction was him talking to my friend about an anime they both liked when I happened to be walking with her. (I'll call my ex Gio) Me and him ended up reconnecting after we both graduated at a Harajuku/Japanese street fashion meetup and became acquaintances through those because we had enough in common to end up always talking with one another. One of those things was that we both had an affinity for yaoi/BL (basically gay romance anime/manga for those unaware) and I ended up inviting him into my cosplay group so we could queerbait as the characters from our favorite series. Unsurprisingly this was not the best basis for what turned into a relationship and we lasted about three months as a stable, happy couple until me and some of my closest friends went on a trip to Japan that we had been planning for over a year at that point. We already had thousands spent in non-refundable accommodations and activities and I had cashed out all my PTO, whereas prices had already skyrocketed to the point where he'd have to pay five figures to tag along, so we agreed that I would just go on the trip and enjoy my time there and just buy him any anime merch/brand fashion/music CDs I thought he'd like.
During this time is when he met Miko (20NB? F? I genuinely don't know to this day, she/they but I'm gonna use just they since that's what I'm used to), a fellow cosplayer from a big city a few hours on train from us. They were in another cosplay group that I was acquainted with due to us having to work together in a case against a guy who harassed two of our underage friends. Miko was uninvolved but became quick friends with one of the victims, who also looked up to Gio, so he hung out with them all at the cosplay events that occurred while I was overseas. He would tell me about Miko and how awesome they were, and from the sounds of it, it sounded like he was forming a little crush. One of the things that made me actually supportive of it all was that he has Borderline Personality Disorder, and claimed they also did (Miko would then go on to say this is false), so I gave him the go ahead to test and see if they would work as partners since I was physically and emotionally available at the time due to the huge time difference. In my head, it was a good idea for him to have someone else who fulfilled the needs that I as someone who didn't have BPD couldn't fully comprehend. What I neglected to consider was that's usually only a good idea when both parties are in treatment/medicated for their condition.
About a week later, I came back, bearing Gio all the merch and clothes I either gifted or he sent me the money for, as well as a little french bulldog plush for Miko since both of us like the Pibble meme and I figured it'd be a nice way to befriend them. I also gifted them both matching hairclips of some characters from a game they like that got shipped together a lot, and offered some supplies to help them if they chose to get intimate. Basically just making it clear I genuinely had no jealousy or resentment towards either of them and that it was fully consensual. Miko even joked about them being the homewrecker and I laughed along, just playful banter.
My only issue as that Gio tended to jerk his hand away if I tried to hold it in front of Miko, but he gladly held their hand with no hesitation. The jerking his hand away was really my only gripe, that was something my partner I was with until my senior year did and it made me realize I was maybe not as over how that guy treated me as I thought. Later that night, Gio and Miko had went to see a concert and I was at my friend's house. I sent a little text to Gio saying I hoped their date went well, and that I thought we should talk boundaries once Miko had left for their hometown the next day. I also suggested they used their picnic date they were going on that morning as a chance to have their own boundary talk. He ended up texting me until past midnight trying to get me to talk then, regardless of how many times I told him it wasn't anything huge and he should be focusing on the person literally in the same bed as him.
Literally the day after Miko left, they dumped Gio because they realized they couldn't handle polyamory. He was completely destroyed over that and was inconsolable, breaking down multiple times a day over it every day for maybe a month. Despite that, they were still in touch, talking to each other the exact same way they did, only this time fighting with one another as well. To my knowledge of what I saw of their texts and how Gio would vent to me, my theory at the time was that since Miko allegedly also had BPD, they were splitting on him (basically a BPD term for flip flopping between idolizing and hating their "favorite person," the person they tend to latch onto. This is a gross oversimplification FYI) and trying to rage bait him into arguments so they could make themselves hate him since they were so codependent with one another. To this day what actually happens remains a mystery since a. I don't have a psychology degree and b. I quite frankly don't trust anything coming from Miko's mouth after seeing them admit over text to Gio that they can't go to therapy because they'd just lie to the therapist. After about a week or so of this, I ended up posting a vague vent on my close friends that maybe ten people saw, just about how I was exhausted of being collateral damage basically. At the time I was dealing with the fact that one of my friends on the Japan trip essentially used me for about 800 USD and settling the finances they hadn't paid off, so this was all sitting on the back burner. After one of Miko's friends clocked the vent as being about the situation, he encouraged me to just talk to Miko myself. One thing that felt off to me, however, was that he said "Miko always knew they weren't polyamorous." There was no way that Miko entering a polyamorous relationship when they knew they were monogamous deep down would be Gio's fault unless he coerced them. Either they were naive and had their head up their ass, or had malintent and hopes Gio would leave me for them. Either way, they're fully at fault.
I did so, and our conversation essentially was them chewing me out for "treating them like they put no effort into being friends with me" and "treating them as if they were controlled by their emotions." The no effort into being friends with me was fully true but realistically if I could go back I would've communicated my frustrations to them about that, at that point it admittedly did start building into resentment that could've been quelled and I know that's where I messed up. They tended to ignore me unless it meant one upping how well I knew Gio, whereas I'd bought them stuff and tried to joke along with them. To this day I'm not sure how they got the impression that I viewed them like that, but regardless I apologized for not handling it as well as I could've and if anything I said gave off said impression. They had also confirmed that the polyamory was consensual when I pointed out how their friend had phrased it as if it was me and Gio doing something bad, and also said they were stupid for attempting it. I had also I eventually told them to stop talking to Gio, and we seemed to leave it off at that.
After that, Miko's older sibling Wren (22NB) sent Gio a paragraph essentially chewing him out for MY vent. There were many details that suggested that the narrative was different on both sides, but the thing that stuck out the absolute most to me was Wren accusing me of being insecure... which was just blatantly untrue (Genuinely there was no drop of jealousy involved. I don't know if that seems believable but I swear I was nothing but chill and supportive of them.). Not only that, but the same "Miko knew they weren't poly" argument again. At that point I knew something was being twisted, but I couldn't really voice it without sounding insane. Wren had also explicitly told Gio to not share their message, and I kind of just assumed it was only shared to me too since I technically was the catalyst.
After that, the next day, I was helping some of my younger friends practice for a cosplay performance, two of which being the aforementioned victims, the one close to both Miko and Gio, and the other one being their partner. During them practicing, I told them I was gonna go outside for a quick smoke break so they would know not to follow me out. I went around the block of the dance studio and I guess one of them caught me frantically pacing around through the window trying to compose myself because as soon as I came back, they all looked worried. Obviously not wanting to loop a bunch of high schoolers into my adult love life, I gave them a vague "Haha yeah It's just the stuff with Gio and Miko, I just needed a second" and to my horror, Gio, this grown ass adult man, had already decided this group of kids who were so young they wouldn't have even been in high school with him needed to see that screenshot. After a collective moment of frustration, I decided to pivot the rest of their studio rental time into how to channel our emotions into the routine. I told them all as well to let me know if Gio kept involving them.
That night, I had torn him a new one and he seemed to genuinely realize his mistake, and apologized, but it was too late for any redemption. It had also gotten back to Miko and Wren, and now the narrative that the TWO OF US were involving minors in something as bad as the grooming they had endured was going around. Obviously I stood up for myself but it was on deaf ears, and literally everyone who finds out what actually happened ends up agreeing that what Gio did was more just stupid and irresponsible than comparable to grooming, but that didn't really matter much when Miko's group were all more sociable than us, so their side would get out faster.
This caused my OCD to go into remission. I had gotten into trouble for how poor my performance was at work due to it, and had to be in an intensive outpatient program for a bit. I'm better now, but I still cannot let myself think about the incident without it ending up in me spiraling about how to defend myself in a hypothetical smear campaign. Mostly everyone in the community now realizes I wasn't even as involved as Miko made it seem, so luckily NOW I'm okay after having my social life, mental health, and work life tarnished for a good eight months. I broke up with Gio because even if he did learn to move on and do better in that one slight aspect, he never stopped trying to turn those kids against Miko. He also did a lot of other completely unrelated shitty things to essentially everyone I know and love and care for, I can elaborate if you guys want.
Within that time, there was a convention where Miko inserted themselves into two more of our underaged peer's matching cosplay duo, and an entire posse of their friends who hated me and Gio, as well as one of them who was Gio's high school friend. I voiced my concerns of them using those kids as pawns to gain leverage over Gio and was instantly shot down. They showed up as Aoba from Dramatical Murder the same day I was cosplaying him and Gio was Koujaku, despite the fandom panel/meetup being the day prior. Their clique spun around and saw us and laughed and I got shot down again for thinking they were trying to beef with us. They kept running around in front of us at the rave after turning the underaged duo against one another, but I was shot down. It was just my OCD making me overthink, right? I was the issue, right?
Point being, we broke things off mid March this year. There was a convention in April in Miko and Wren's city not even three weeks after, and the two of them were extremely bubbly and friendly to me. I figured I might as well seek closure, so I unblocked them both and told them my DMs were open if they had any questions. The meeting was at a nearby Shake Shack and consisted of me, Miko, and two of our friends each who were all friends with each other. Wren was suspiciously absent and Miko even said it was good they weren't there.
They essentially went back on claiming that the polyamory was consensual, and accused Gio of being a misogynist and predatory. Obviously it's not my place as a man to question the misogyny claim, but the other two were just downright factually incorrect. I'm just stating they said that in order to paint a picture for how negatively Miko viewed Gio. The next day, Gio texts me saying I was "so wrong about how Miko felt" and that they "were defending him the whole time, despite how much Wren and their boyfriend hated him". Not only that, but someone who had been explicitly referred to as Miko's partner and vocally hated Gio was now downgraded to just a talking stage and then again to just someone obsessively crushing over Gio. In the time frame since then and now, Gio and Miko have been inseparable, and were apparently physically all over one another at a convention this weekend. Yesterday was supposed to be me and Gio's anniversary and they ever so coincidentally announced they were dating on that day too... when that day was me and Gio's anniversary because that was the day we also officially announced our relationship after dating quietly for a few days.
So obviously, I went no contact. All the aforementioned underaged mutual friends are pissed because they figured out those two were using them as pawns to beef with each other. Miko's best friend is pissed. I'm pissed because everything I convinced myself was just my mind spiraling was fully true. Me and Gio's mutual friend (26NB) who is usually way more mature and put together sees nothing wrong with this and even gave them house keys so they could... get it on in their new house they just bought. I feel insane, the only other older adults I would go to have power over us. My options are our boss (I work at an indie art collective that's more a found family than anything), the leaders of the local J-fashion community/the ones who coordinate the events who I talk to like parents, or the owners of a local cafe where both me and Gio coordinate events at. One of which means he could lose his job, another means he's basically exiled from both his social groups, and one means he has to take off really the only thing he has going for him on his resume outside of seasonal jobs that he refuses to network within. So basically if I go to any of them, I risk either being reprimanded for trying to cause drama or I screw him over. I'm going to have to tell my boss at the very least because I hold a position of power over Gio in the collective so us being no contact is a huge issue.
Basically, I guess, I'm looking for two things. Firstly, just affirmation that I'm just young and naive. Even I messed up and you guys call me out, that means I have something to work on, and I'm always looking for ways I can be a better person! This is my first breakup where I'm dealing with emotions this bad, and I'm usually extremely logic-brained, so honestly just being told that I'm letting my anger get the best of me is still helping me figure out what to do.
Secondly, I just want to know what would be a smart course of action in your opinion! I'm conflicted, part of me thinks I should warn others, part of me thinks it's just petty drama and I should just move on. I think they deserve second chances, just as far away from me as possible lol