I guess this goes here? Warning its um i guess considered mature hince the NSFW tag.
So.. I have a strong will to live. As always I will have it and there's no suicidal thoughts.. but at 22 age I still have a wanting for death almost.. although I still will do everything in my power to live. Ill hold myself together in everything and even lift others up if needed but..
that doesn't change how I feel and I dunno why. Maybe its just from me pushing down all my anger and releasing it in healthy ways when I can via art and others but.. I don't think thats really it. Kinda like a self conflict? It- I dunno how to feel about that want, just whenever its mentioned in any way I don't break down or anything I'm not stressed about death I just want it despite loving life.
its not an obsession because I don't think on it all the time. Its just one of those "if that happened it wouldn't be too bad probably. Maybe even nice." Infact if I do end up surviving anything that kills people I say I'm lucky and smile even enjoy it..
Its so damn confusing I don't even understand.