I get relaxed and calm when thinking about ending it
I don't think I've been in a good mental state this past month. I had a mental breakdown due to stress and over-exhaustion. The thing is, I couldn't find an internship. I'm currently doing a Master's degree, and I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder from my very first session. I refused to believe it; I think the doctor only gave me that diagnosis because she assumes it's genetic, since my sister was diagnosed with bipolar over four years ago.
So, after the diagnosis, I took the medication for two weeks, but it just made me feel hopeless. The thought that I could be taking them for years, like my sister does, made me refuse to go back, and I stopped taking my meds. At that point, I took a remote internship that was not very demanding. I spent about two months doing mostly nothing, just resting. Things were going well for me I regained my composure and well-being.
I don't know if it's like this in every country, but you have to do a final project. I've been working very little on it and have had very little communication with my professors. I even skipped some meetings because I was afraid of confronting him about my lack of advancement. All of this is my fault; if I had managed my time right, it wouldn't have happened.
But this pressure now makes me realize maybe all of this does not matter and I should just end my life that idea makes me feel very relaxed and carefree. It's stupid, I know, but the increasing occurrence of it makes me afraid. I even googled how to do it. I'm very afraid of telling my family. It could start the drama all over again, and they are already dealing with my sister. I don't want to make things worse. I just wanted to write this to get it off my chest. I've been a shitty son and person. I wish these messed-up ideas would go away and I could get back to a time when I could think clearly.