When is it ever enough?
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TRIGGER WARNING: Contains personal details regarding SA.
So, here it goes. I am going to try and summarize this as simply as humanly possible. I know that there are always two sides, people are nuanced, etc. I want to try and do my absolute best here to describe my issues and where to go from here.
This all started around 6 years ago. My partner (F) and I (M), had just started building our life together. At some point in time, I developed night terrors about being SAed as a child. I was unable to perform sexually. I couldn't stand being touched.
Our intimate connection took a nose dive. I should have sought therapy or professional help, but I was so deep in depression I was having a hard time functioning. The only thing that kept me motivated was taking care of my son. Knowing he was safe and spending time with him truly saved me from myself.
Things get bumpy, wife starts exploring online connections. Did not share. Did not ask. Just did. She ended up becoming involved with a subsect of BDSM called Erotic Hypnosis. She started an affair with a young man, 18 at the time. She spent all of her free time talking to him on her phone, as well as other suitors, began talking to people at work, and engaging in sexual activities online in these BDSM spaces.
We reconciled our differences. I owned my inability to not be there for her sexually, but she developed a taste for the BDSM life style/ E-Hypno. She tells me she is poly. She wanted to open the relationship. I said sure. Fine. Do what you want, I get it. If I can't be there for you in that way, so be it.
Fast-forward to present day. We closed our relationship, she got burned many times IRL and online, and doesn't want to pursue anything. Pressure is being mounted again for me to more open minded sexually. She wants me to get into erotic hypno, or BDSM. She expresses interests in munchies.
At this point in time, I have expressed that I have hard limits about BDSM because of my specific set of circumstances around my SA as a child. A lot of things are triggering and really hurtful.
I have been in therapy for 5 years since my episode, and I feel as though I am managing my reactions a lot better.
However, I don't feel it is fair to put all of the pressure on me. I have told her how it makes me feel, and I want no part in it. I brought up poly again so she can explore that side of her sexuality. She doesn't want to. Part of the reason is because she is afraid of getting hurt again.
She also said she does not want me to date (although I did not participate the first time) because she fears I will find someone better and replace her. She thinks I will realize how much I resent her and leave.
This leaves me at present day. I am tired of fighting over BDSM. I am tired of my boundaries being tested over and over again. I constantly feel as though I am being forced to stay in a relationship I am not happy in. I love the life we have built together, but I cannot satisfy her ultra specific needs due to incompatibility and trauma.
Every time we are intimate, she makes it a point to express how disappointed and restless she feels. Because I did not incorporate those specific niche elements in our bedroom scenarios.
I feel like I am mourning the end of my relationship. I have offered divorce several times, I have offered poly, and have tried to fulfill her needs myself. I just can't. It's not me. It never will be. I just hate this feeling that I have to be the one to pull the trigger, or it's never going to get better for either one of us.
I know I am not perfect. I have made my share of mistakes, but I just feel like I am at the end of my line here. I am so miserable, I wish I could just end it. But I would never. I love my child dearly, and he is truly the sole thing that keeps me here sometimes. At least that's what it feels like. We just became so close.
It was always the two of us while his mom was busy chasing dick. I have effectively raised him myself, and I know she has a lot of regrets about it, while I also carry a lot of resentment.
Back to my marriage, we have been in marriage counseling for 7 months and it just seems to make things worse. The more time we spend in these sessions, the more I realize how fucked our relationship is and how she has been an asshole.
I don't really know why I am writing this. I just needed to get this all out. Be seen. Heard. I just feel so isolated and alone.