u/DearYou-

I’m going to keep this anonymous because it involves work.

I 23M have worked at my job for several years. Over the course of about a year, my supervisor, “Evan,” 36 M sexually harassed me. He made repeated comments and advances toward me from a position of power, even after I had tried to make it clear that I wanted things to stay professional.

Part of what made it worse was that my sexuality/personal life became something people at work seemed to know about or talk about. I felt like my supervisor had exposed or discussed things about my sexual identity with coworkers, and instead of people treating it like a serious workplace boundary issue, it became gossip and “crush” drama.

One coworker, “Nina,” 32 F knew early on that Evan had feelings for me and told me to keep it between us. She also made comments that made me feel like she was encouraging the situation or making me responsible for his feelings, saying things like not to get his hopes up or implying we were “hitting it off.” When I later tried to protect myself from being in an uncomfortable situation with him, she blamed me and made me feel like I was rude or the problem.

Eventually, I reported everything. A third-party investigation was done, and my complaint was substantiated. My employer confirmed that Evan acted inappropriately from a position of power, continued unwelcome sexual comments after I asked for professionalism, and created a poisoned workplace. He no longer works there.

Since then, the social dynamic at work has become extremely painful. Nina blocked me on social media and has been cold/avoidant at work. Another coworker, “Maya,” 32 F (Nina’s best friend) who had previously apologized to me and told me I could talk to her, now also appears to have blocked me on social media.

There was also a staff appreciation board at work where Evan’s name was still written with hearts around it after he was no longer employed. I suspect Nina added a large purple heart around Evan’s name after the substantiated outcome. Seeing that was disheartening because this was the same person who was found to have sexually harassed me and poisoned the workplace.

I am not planning to confront anyone or make a scene. I still do my job. I still communicate about clients/residents, meds, handoffs, and anything work-related. But I no longer want to do extra personal favors for coworkers who have distanced themselves from me after I came forward.

For example, I used to move the work van in the morning as a favor so Maya could park more easily. I also sometimes made coffee or did little helpful things just to be kind. None of this was part of my actual job. I did it because I cared and wanted to be helpful.

Now I want to stop doing those extra favors and keep everything strictly professional. If someone asks why, I’m thinking of saying:

“I’m not going to be doing that anymore. Given the current dynamic, I’m going to be keeping things professional and sticking to my own shift responsibilities.”

I’m not trying to punish anyone or sabotage my workplace. I’m just exhausted from being kind and accommodating to people who seem to have chosen distance from me after I reported something serious that was later substantiated. Something they were WELL aware of from the beginning.

AITA for no longer doing extra favors and going strictly professional with my coworkers after all of this?

*Edit for more context because I think I left out important parts:

I was around 21 to 23 during most of this, not someone older and established in my workplace. I had just moved out, was going to university full-time, WHILE working full time because I needed the job to keep my housing and my degree stable. So when my direct day-to-day supervisor started pursuing me, I felt trapped. He may not have been the highest person in the company, but in my actual workplace he was the supervisor I dealt with most directly. I rarely interacted with anyone above him except in occasional meetings.

I am also a Black bisexual man, around 6'2. He is a much older gay white man, around 5'3, and he was my supervisor. I mention that because I think people may see the size/race/gender dynamic and assume I could not have felt intimidated or uncomfortable, but that is not how power works. He still had workplace authority over me. I also felt racialized and hypersexualized because there were “BBC” type comments/stereotypes and assumptions about Black men, gay/bi men, and sex. It felt like my boundaries mattered less because people treated it like hookup drama instead of a supervisor crossing boundaries.

He found out I was bi after seeing me on Tinder. After that, my sexuality seemed to become something people at work knew about or discussed (after he outed me to my coworkers). He also found/contacted me across multiple platforms. He messaged me on TikTok, had my number because coworkers added me to a group chat with him in it, swiped/liked me on Tinder (I didn’t swipe right back or match with him FYI), and kept messaging me for months on end.

I also want to clarify that I did set boundaries. Early on, after he told me he was crushing on me, and that I was “so fucking cute” I told him it would be best if we stayed normal so our work dynamic could remain civil and professional. He said he understood, but later (a day or two) still sent messages about wanting to “chill,” maybe go on a date, and said things like he kept seeing me pop up and was “obsessed with me”. Months later he was still sending messages calling me handsome, sending flirtatious gifs, saying “I won’t stop, sorry not sorry,” and asking if we were “sharing a bed at an upcoming cottage trip 🔥😈😍😜”

Also, Nina specifically told me to keep it between us instead of reporting it or bringing it forward. She knew Evan had a crush on me and told me that he had said he was so much older than me that he could be my “sugar daddy.” That comment alone shows how inappropriate the dynamic was, because this was not just a random coworker flirting with me. This was my older direct supervisor talking about me sexually/romantically in a workplace context, and my coworker knew enough to tell me to keep it quiet instead of treating it like a serious boundary issue.

That cottage trip is where my coworker “Nina” becomes important. She knew enough about the situation to tell me not to cancel the trip because it was already booked, she would not get a refund, and another coworker would be sad. She told me they would “take care of things” and that it was a big place with lots of people. She also said she could talk to him because “just because you are taking it doesn’t mean it needs to continue” and “somebody needs to stop it and it has to be either you or me.”

That is part of why I am so confused and hurt now. If Nina knew enough to say somebody needed to stop it, then why was it still treated like my responsibility to manage? Why was I the one who had to worry about making things awkward? Why was I later treated like the difficult one for being uncomfortable?

After that, I messaged him again directly and said I had been feeling uncomfortable with some of the messages, especially since I had already said I wanted to keep things friendly and professional. He apologized and said he would stop.

But the broader workplace damage had already happened. I felt like my sexuality and personal life had become gossip. I felt like people knew parts of what was happening but treated it like a crush or hookup situation instead of a supervisor repeatedly crossing boundaries with a younger employee under him.

The complaint was later substantiated by a third-party investigation, and he no longer works there. So this was not just me misreading things.

The part I cannot stop replaying is: what did I do wrong? Why was it acceptable for him to keep crossing boundaries for about a year, but when I said I was uncomfortable, I became the one people pulled away from? Why was he still invited to things while I was slowly excluded? Why did people who added me on social media, invited me into their homes, and acted like friends suddenly distance themselves after I came forward?

So my question is not only about the van or the coffee. It is also whether I am wrong for finally pulling back emotionally and professionally because I do not know how to keep being personally kind to people who knew this, saw me struggle, and still seem to have treated me like the problem, it’s driving me CRAZY!