First romantic experience with a guy and I feel constantly conflicted
I honestly don’t know if I’m dealing with bisexuality, internalized homophobia, fear of commitment, relationship OCD, or some mix of all of them.
I’m a guy in my mid-20s and a couple years ago I started realizing I was attracted to more feminine-presenting people, including some feminine guys. Eventually I got really close with another guy, and he was the first guy I ever explored anything romantic/sexual with.
The feelings were real. I was attracted to him, loved being around him, loved sleeping next to him, talking to him, doing normal life stuff together.
But my brain never shuts off.
Even during genuinely good moments, I spiral into thoughts like:
“Can I really do this long term?”
“What about women?”
“What about having a family?”
“How would I explain this to friends/family?”
“Why does the idea of publicly being with a man make me panic?”
I’m also in the military, which makes it harder. Everything around me feels very straight/masculine culture centered, and sometimes I feel like I’m living two different lives internally.
What makes me feel guilty is that only a few people know about us. Keeping him mostly hidden feels unfair to him because he deserves someone who’s certain and proud to be with him.
The confusing part is that I do care about him deeply. When we stop talking, I miss him horribly. But when we reconnect, eventually the anxiety and questioning comes back.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of split where the feelings were real, but your mind kept fighting you the entire time?