Why was I so blind to it?
I can’t believe how blind I’ve been to the whole thing. I 20m, have been used to my father drinking, it felt normal for so long, just another thing.
As I got older, I’ve known he’s had an issue with it, he’s not mean or anything, doesn’t hurt anyone. He’s my best friend, really.
He’s tried, he’s really tried at some points with trying to quit/slow down, and to me that was all that mattered, was that he was just trying, he was trying to make the effort.
For the longest time he and my moms relationship was all I wanted, but today I really just felt like I got hit in the face with what was going on behind the scenes with it between my mom and my dad.
Yesterday, I think something shifted. We live with my grandmother, and it puts a lot of stress on the whole family, and it’s made my dad drink more.
He’s not mean when he drinks, he’s never hurt any of us.
I don’t know why I asked, but I did, I asked my mom if they had talked, about yesterday. My mom hadn’t slept well at all, she was cranky and I think my dad took that as her being upset with him.
She said she wasn’t upset with him, that she was just tired, and it evolved into her saying how tired she is of the drinking, and with the recent medicine he’s got on, how she wished that every time he took a drink it’d made him puke. But it hadn’t.
She talked about a lot of things… how she didn’t marry an alcoholic, how she never wanted that for her kids cause she’s dealt with it her whole life. She talked about how he didn’t start that way but she was unsure of where it changed… how she felt like she felt she wasn’t enough to quit for.
She said some things that really made my stomach twist, and I saw her cry. I can’t stand my mom crying.
The whole talk, I just listened cause I knew that’s all I could do. I feel awful cause she admitted he’s her best friend and she feels like she doesn’t have any other friends.
It really made me think and I admit once it was done, I went downstairs to look at the beer in the fridge. I thought about all the ways I could just ruin it, maybe twist the caps off, heat up a needle and poke holes small enough in the can he wouldn’t notice but enough that it’d go flat.
I love my dad, but I admit now I’m scared, scared of what will happen with him and my mom if he keeps drinking. I wanna help so bad but I don’t know how.