Anyone here relates ?
I feel like there’s this thing that people don’t really talk about.
I’m a 30M, and I wouldn’t say I have no success with women. It’s not that nobody is interested in me. There are a fair share of women who show interest, who make an effort, who are kind, who make it easy for me.
And I hate admitting this, but most of the time, they’re not the women I feel truly drawn to.
I’ve tried to be more mature about it.. I’ve tried dating women I wasn’t that physically attracted to because they were nice, because they had good qualities, because I told myself attraction might grow with time. I tried to focus on their personality, their kindness, their warmth, and the little things that should have been enough.
But deep down, it always felt like I was trying to convince myself..
I would sit there with someone genuinely good in front of me, and instead of feeling excited, I would feel guilty. Guilty because she deserved someone who looked at her with real desire. Guilty because I was trying so hard to feel something that should probably not require that much effort. Guilty because no matter how much I tried to be rational, my mind would still drift toward the kind of woman I actually feel alive around.
And that’s what makes me feel so bad about myself. Because part of me keeps asking, am I just shallow? Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way? I’ve tried so hard to search inside myself, to challenge it, to become the kind of man who can simply look past physical attraction. But I can’t seem to escape it. The women who move something in me, the women who make me feel alive, are the women I find beautiful. And most of the time, they’re also the women the world already agrees are beautiful.
Because there is something almost impossible to describe about being with a woman you truly find beautiful. Not necessarily some Instagram model or celebrity type. I don’t even mean that. I mean feminine some., beautiful eyes, clear skin, beautiful hair, someone who takes care of herself, someone whose beauty feels real and human.
The type of woman I look forward to seeing her. I feel lighter before meeting her. I feel this kind of joy in my chest that I don’t really know how to explain. Even small things feel more meaningful. Her smile, the way she looks at me, the way she fixes her hair, the way she walks into a room. It makes life feel a little more vivid.
And I know personality matters. Of course it does. A beautiful woman with a bad personality would not be enough. But I’ve reached a point where I can’t lie to myself anymore..
This realization makes me feel awful.
Because the worst part is that whenever I meet a woman who is actually my type in real life, it doesn’t just make me excited. It also makes me sad.
It reminds me that being with someone like her probably won’t feel as easy or natural as it does with women I’m less attracted to. Women who are my type have never really approached me, they don’t seem to like my dating app profile, and I’ve rarely felt that kind of interest coming from them.
So when I meet someone I’m genuinely drawn to, part of me feels alive, but another part of me immediately thinks: She probably wouldn’t choose me anyway..
And that is such a strange place to be emotionally.
Because I want love. I really do. I want something serious, something real, something where I can give myself fully to someone. But at the same time, I can’t lie to myself and pretend desire is negotiable. I can’t sit across from someone and try to logically talk my heart into wanting her.
I don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to become bitter. I don’t want to use a kind woman as an experiment to see if attraction will appear. She deserves better than that. She deserves someone who looks at her and feels lucky from the beginning..
I will most likely stay forever alone, but it's much better that way.
Thanks for reading me !