Dad
Im 17f and genuinely crashing out. My father sexually abused me all throughout childhood. I have recently escaped.
But its taken a toll on my mental health so much. I barely go to school now, so I have few friends. My family isnt a support network at all; my mother knew about the abuse, as did my sibling. They allowed it to happen, and now pretend nothing happened at all. I dont talk to extended family.
I barely remember anything that happened. Its like I have no memory before 14. Sometimes ill be constantly dissociated and I start thinking the abuse is still happening. Other times its like im an entirely different person. And then ill come back and just have massive gaps in my memory from before they took over. I feel insane.
My flashbacks right now are just so painful. They've been on and off all day and I just feel at a loss on what to do. How long until I actually see process in recovery? I have a lot of academic aspirations, and up until recently I was doing great at school. And now I haven't been for months... I feel lazy and want to just get over it. But every time I force myself back into the real world I end up 10x more tired and 10x more useless 😭
And like, the flashbacks, the physical ones at least, are rarely even to do with actually being raped. Its all of the sadistic stuff that happened aside from that. I can feel rope on various parts of my body. Sometimes it stings like its been rubbing against my skin too long or is too tight and I hate it.
I cant even tell my therapist the entire story because I was too scared to tell those I reported it to the entire thing. Im scared the people involved will hurt me still.
Im very grateful to be free from it all now. I dont want to come across ungrateful. Im just like...lost. I dont rly have anybody to talk to irl about this so </3