Living with parents - no one understands my feelings. Told to be grateful. Told they did their best. Does anyone get it?
I just joined this group. I’m hoping to find a place where people understand and also to find a place where I’m not alone - seeing other people’s stories.
I wanted to talk about the fact I have to live with my parents at the moment. My wife and I got married and moved in with them a few days later and are still here 2.5 years later as we are building a house and can’t afford that as well as rent. The build keeps being delayed and it’s killing me. I feel stuck in limbo, stuck in the past, everywhere I look there is a memory.
I have c-PTSD, BPD and recently got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD (which makes so much sense) and have 5 other mental health disorders.
I have to live with the two people who neglected me so badly, and 30 years later, those patterns haven’t changed, they are just as toxic. You can’t display emotion, you can’t ever be angry, you have to make them feel good all the time, and there is so much guilt tripping.
I’ve told my wife stories from my childhood and then she sees them played out in front of her eyes and she just says - omg it’s exactly like you told me. And it’s not that she didn’t believe me, but to hear it is one thing, to experience it, it’s something different.
I have to mask 24/7 - emotions, physical pain- anything that makes me vulnerable. I carry constant guilt if my mum could be upset - like if I accident speak harshly -which rarely happens because I control everything I do. or if I haven’t made sure I made her feel loved that day. I can’t set boundaries, there is too much guilt that comes up, but the 3 we have, are constantly breached.
There is so much more to it - but this is the main point. Everyone I talk to about it says I should be grateful that they are letting us live with them, rent free. And ‘it’s only a little while longer.’ Or ‘yeah parents are annoying but they are letting you live there.’ That’s the first thing they all say. But the thing is - I AM grateful. I really am. My parents won’t let us pay one bill, nothing, so we help around the house and them in other ways. BUT - getting to live with them rent free while we get to do this great thing, doesn’t mean feelings just disappear and the gratefulness cancels everything out. It doesn’t make it easier.
My nervous system is in a constant activated state because I never know when I will have to interact with them. I walk in the house and I have this dread feeling - will they be home? They could knock on the bedroom door at any time to interact. And I can’t even say I’m busy I can’t talk- the guilt eats me alive. So at any moment, I could be asked to mask. Every word I say is carefully crafted, every facial expression, showing my mum attention to her stories while she doesn’t read body language that it’s not the time. the anger at them is so loud sometimes, but then the guilt that was drilled into me in childhood is also just as loud.
The house is a MESS. It’s old and big, and just full of stuff. You can’t imagine what it’s like, I wish I could share photos. there is just shit everywhere. Not unhygienic, but the most overstimulating environment and with my Autism sensory overload getting worse since I stopped my last unhelpful coping mechanism in May 2024, my nervous system is always overwhelmed.
This isn’t about solutions - I don’t think there are any. If there were trust me I would have thought of them. Saying ‘it won’t be much longer’ doesn’t help.
Friends/my in laws have told me ‘they did their best.’ I want to throttle them. Was it their best when they found out I was self harming at 15 (ongoing until now) and did nothing about it? Was it their best when I overdosed so bad I was on life support and they still didn’t ask questions, didn’t talk about emotions, didn’t try and CHANGE in any way? If seeing your child almost die doesn’t activate you to change, how much do I really matter to them? People say, ‘when are you going to forgive them.’ How can you forgive someone that doesn’t even recognise that they have done anything wrong, or hasn’t ever once said - sorry about anything. I’ve never heard my mum say sorry. Not once.
Does anyone understand my feelings? I feel so alone with this. I have some split second moments where I worry my feelings are wrong and I’m a bad person-But I know this is because it was conditioned into me as a child. I’ve spent 11 years with the most amazing psych and medical team and I am extremely aware of my emotions, the way my brain works and where every part has come from. I make patterns quickly, I reflect, I am learning. But I just want someone else that’s been through it to get it. To tell me my feelings are okay. To be angry on my behalf at the people that say ‘you should be grateful,’ and ‘they did their best,’ or ‘when are you going to forgive them.’