How to know that u matter in a relationship?
I've been in couple for 11 months with this guy, and we were planning a wedding. At the beginning he was kind with me, present etc... . However since January till the end of April (so, when I broke up with him) he was soooo distant but used work as an excuse to call me only when he needed to (feeling alone, needing help..) and only having these superficial convo (hello, hru doing, have a nice day, good night => literally every day for 4 months only small talk).
He did't even wanted to buy the wedding rings with me, I asked him so (with arguments...) and the day he came he ignored me and we were together only for 1h (knowing that we NEVER hang out, only 3 times max at the beginning of the relationship because he lives 3h away from my city). It wasn't the first time that he ignored me an didn't even dare to talk with me or sm (he was on his phone scrolling or calling members of his family), at the end he told me "Oh I have to pick my sister up, she has a rendez-vous. We'll see each other tomorrow anyway", but he also ignores me in front of his family and mine (does as if I didn't exist, don't even talk to me.. only says hello and good bye).
He told me that he couldn't know, that he cannot guess things and that I was abandoning him for a mistake that he has done rather than being like his mother with his child (forgiving and teaching him how to treat me...). And one time he even screamed at me 2 times at midnight before going to sleep because I didn't wish him good night in a good way... .
Same thing, 5 weeks ago it was my birthday and he called me at midnight to wish me a happy birthday but for 10 minutes he was praising himself because he didn't sleep and didn't forgot my birthday. And during the day he knew that I was alone, rather than at least calling me to keep me company or sm, he passed the day with his cousins and colleagues.. he told me "go take a walk".
For 11 months, also, the only gifts that he gave me were : earrings and a wallet, both worned out... The birthday gift were his sisters that offered it to me in his name, but at the end I found out that it was them and my sister that chose it but still when I thanked him he said "No problem, don't thank me" or when I showed him the flowers the said "Ohh look who bought you these beautiful flowers"... .
And there is a lot of other things that made me wonder which place I really had in his life, I was about to be his wife but it was as if I was just tolerated by him. I didn't have a place in his mind, let alone his heart. I was always the one he forgets about, he made big decisions with family without even considering me (about the wedding, about our apartment etc..).
Everytime I try to communicate he always gaslights me, and he'd be angry and at the end I was always the one saying sorry.. or most of the time he'd also say "I'll call u after to talk about this" but then at the end he "forgets" and does a all-nighter with his cousins playing games... or he'd say "after the wedding it'll not be the same thing, I promise" but even the little promises he doesn't keep them, then how should I believe him? And I told him that I only believe actions, not words (like if I matter and if you love me how an u ignore me?) I asked for a solution, he said "I don't know" and then forgot about this conversation.
But I had the status, I was his wife-to-be and he used to tell me that I was important, he'd do everything to make me feel happy and confortable in the relationship etc.. that he loves me and even one time he told me that he felt there was a distance between us and he'd do everything in order to make things up.
When I told me that I needed time because I didn't felt in a relationship, that I was doubting my choice getting married because of a lot of things he told me (he just woke up when he sent me this message) : "I've thought a lot, I also don't want to get married to a girl, for which I work hard day and night, that is doubting. You don't respect me, don't respect the relationship", I told him that "okay so let's not get married then" (ironically) and he said "that's your choice, I respect it".
But I tried again to explain, to resolve things hoping maybe this time he'd not have the sale behavior, but nope again he felt even more attacked and the only argument he had, when I was trying to explain myself, is "Do u want to talk about what you sister has done? She's disrepsectful, and you're disrespectful" and then when I sweared that it was over he said "What?? Are you serious? So it's really over??".
I was so confused during this relationship, I even had hives/insomnia/anxiety/disconnected, and when I broke up with him everything disappeared.
In 11 months he never came to hang out with me, initiated things, rarely called me, had discussions with me etc.. he always had time for everybody but me and he told me "Oh don't worry you'll have all eh time you want after the wedding". When he changed his number, I've had it 1 month after "Oh I didn't give you my new phone number," but he thought of gibing it to his best friend (girl) that he talks to everyday.
Like how is it possible that this person came to me and told me all of these beautiful words, wanted to get married to me but was treating me like an outsider? How can I know that really matter to someone, that this person really loves me? Or maybe I was juts overthinking everything and he would've changed after the wedding?