I’m starting to question what my place actually is in my 5-year relationship
Hi everyone,
I’m 23F and I’ve been with my boyfriend 24F for around 5–6 years. We started living together after graduation.
I’m posting because I genuinely don't know how to look at my relationship anymore, and I need an outside perspective.
When we started living together, he already had a full-time job and was earning considerably more than me. I was still taking money for my personal expenses from my parents. Even after I got a job, we generally split our shared expenses 50/50 — rent, groceries, household expenses, etc.
At one point, we moved to a flat that was more convenient for his office, even though it was comparatively farther for me. The rent was around ₹12k, and we still split it equally without making an issue out of it.
Later, he planned a Manali trip with his colleagues and some other friends, including girls and boys. We had always talked about travelling together and had dreams of going places together, so initially I was hurt that he was going with them. Later, he decided to take me along too.
I contributed whatever savings I had towards the trip. My income was always lower than his, so obviously the amount I could contribute was smaller, but I still contributed. After that, I basically had no savings left.
Eventually, whenever we had financial discussions, I started hearing things like “I spend so much on you.”
That really confused me because I never felt like he was financially supporting my entire life. We were generally splitting things. I wasn't sitting at home expecting him to pay for everything.
Then 2026 happened and my health got really bad.
I had hospital expenses and other personal/medical expenses. I also went through a very difficult period mentally and was in therapy. I eventually had to take around two months of leave from work because I wasn't functioning properly.
During that period, he did help me financially. I acknowledge that. I'm not denying it and I'm genuinely grateful for the help.
But later, that help started being brought up during arguments.
He would tell me things like:
“Do you know how much I have spent on you?”
And at one point he said that he had spent basically all the money he earned during his two years of working on me.
From my perspective, that simply isn't true.
He has his own financial responsibilities too. He has taken loans for building his family's home, has an EMI for his phone, spends money on his vehicle, gives money to his family, etc.
I don't have a problem with any of that. It's his money and his responsibilities.
But I also don't have savings.
I could just as easily say that I don't have savings because I spent my money on rent, brokerage, shared expenses, trips, and our life together. I even had plans to buy a scooty, but my savings went towards other expenses.
The difference is that I don't use that as a weapon against him whenever we have an argument.
That's what hurts me.
Another major issue is emotional support.
When I'm okay, he can be extremely good to me. That's one of the reasons I've stayed. We have good times, we have fun, and I genuinely love him.
But when I'm not okay, it's completely different.
I've had moments where I've been crying in front of him, desperately asking for emotional support, and even hurting myself by hitting my head against the wall.
Instead of staying emotionally present with me, he would become cold, leave me alone or say that he needed space because my situation was affecting his mental health.
I understand that he also has his own mental health and boundaries. I'm not saying he has to be responsible for fixing me.
But I've explained to him many times exactly what I need when I'm struggling. I've tried to communicate it clearly.
During my periods, during my health problems, during the months when I was mentally struggling and going to therapy — I repeatedly asked for emotional presence.
And I still felt alone.
That's where I don't know what to do anymore.
Because when I'm okay, he feels like the person I want to spend my life with.
When I'm not okay, I feel like I'm completely alone even though he's right there.
Recently, I've also started questioning my position in his life.
Whenever I question something about his decisions or choices, he sometimes asks me:
“Who are you to tell me anything about my choices?”
And that's been getting into my head.
Because we've been together for 5–6 years. We've lived together. We've discussed marriage and a future together.
So I genuinely don't understand:
Who am I?
Am I his partner?
Am I someone he is building a future with?
Or am I just someone who is there when things are good but doesn't actually have a place when it comes to his decisions?
He's also currently asking me to take a ₹5 lakh loan to help fulfil some of his financial needs.
And honestly, this has made me stop and think.
If I'm supposedly someone who has already taken so much from him financially, why am I now being asked to take a huge loan myself?
I don't want to take a ₹5 lakh loan just to prove that I contribute to his life.
And then there is marriage.
He says we're going to get married within a year, but at the same time he talks about having a contract where I'm not financially liable to take money from him after a divorce, etc.
I understand that financial agreements and prenups/contracts can be practical and I'm not against discussing money before marriage.
But emotionally, when I'm already being made to feel guilty about money, hearing these things makes me question what this relationship actually means.
I keep thinking:
What exactly am I to this person?
I don't want to be someone's financial responsibility.
I don't want to owe someone for every rupee they've spent on me.
I also don't want to pretend that he hasn't helped me — because he has.
But I want a relationship where both people's contributions are acknowledged, where money isn't repeatedly used to make one person feel indebted, and where I can have a voice in the life we're supposedly building together.
Right now I feel like I've lost my sense of position in the relationship.
I'm not asking Reddit to tell me that he's a bad person. I'm also not claiming that I'm perfect.
I genuinely want an outside perspective because I've been in this relationship for so long that I don't know if I'm seeing things clearly anymore.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?
Is financial help in a relationship supposed to be remembered as something you owe your partner for years, especially when you've also been contributing according to your ability?
Is it reasonable for me to expect emotional support from my partner during extremely difficult periods, while also respecting that he has his own boundaries?
And most importantly, if someone repeatedly makes you question “Who am I to you?”, what does that actually say about the relationship?
I'm honestly confused about whether I should try to repair this relationship or accept that something fundamental is wrong.