A Daydream Turned Into a Nightmare
Hi, guys 😊 I just wanted to share something that has been weighing down on me for a while and this seemed like the right place to do it.
As a kid I always daydreamed about being in a romantic relationship. It was my biggest wish in the world. But it seemed so unreachable to me. I wasn’t particularly attractive as a teenager so dating and relationships were something that only happened to my friends; something I observed from the outside and longed for. I convinced myself that I’d just have to learn to live with the knowledge that I’ll never be wanted and be okay with that. That was, of course, painful and I used my daydreams to cope.
Cut to now. I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, consistent, he listens and takes my feelings into account. So on paper, my dreams came true. I have also never been as consistently anxious as the time we’ve been together. This relationship is deeply important to me. And I feel a constant fear of getting replaced when a better option comes along: someone prettier, smarter, more accomplished, etc. I dread going to sleep at night, fearing that I’ll wake up to a text telling me he’d lost feelings. My mind is constantly playing out scenarios of me getting hurt, like getting cheated on or being led on. The fact that I didn’t grow up around examples of healthy partnerships, doesn’t help. Some days it’s so bad that I feel paralysed and all I can manage is staying in bed for hours and crying on and off. I feel like a crazy person and idk what to do. I’m someone who needs to talk about the same issue multiple times to work through it and I don’t wanna bother the people around me so I use Chat GPT to vent, which I’m ashamed of but it’s the only thing that even slightly helps during my spirals. I do have other things going on in my life, like friends and hobbies and goals but whenever I get some downtime my brain starts to spiral. I am exhausted. There have been moments where I considered ending the relationship just so the pain could stop. But then I’m terrified of sabotaging something good because of my fear of getting hurt. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired.