I realized I am the abuser
hi all,
My girlfriend of three years and I broke up about a week ago, and while she and I have continued to be in contact (we live in the same house and I don't have the money to live somewhere else atm) and she desires to be friends with me going forward, I really worry about the possibility of her own growth and healing while in such close contact with me.
To give more context: I was 19 and she was 21 when we met, and we moved in together/started dating because I was attempting suicide and she met me at the ER and after I went home with her and immediately started living with her. This pattern continued, where I would feel insecure and burdensome and run away from home to try and kill myself, but I would always make sure she knew I was leaving/gone and wait somewhere esoteric for her to come find me and save me.
As I stopped doing this behavior pattern more and more, my abuse became more about forcing her to solve my problems and tend to my emotional needs in the moment of a fight no matter what. When we would fight we would fight against my own self abuse and insecurities, and I would force her to be my emotional support blanket by continuing to spiral into conflict until she was forced to step in. What I've done to her is incredibly harmful, abusive, and was clearly not out of love but rather to control her to placate my own feelings of insecurity.
Fast forward to today and she and I have mutually agreed to end the relationship, though originally only for a month at first. When it became clear to both of us that the healing I need to do will be a years long process, we agreed to a more official breakup, though she has maintained that she wants to continue being friends, and that she's not blind to how I've treated her. I want to trust her word, though I feel that she and I could both be blinded by the recency of the breakup and trauma bond that we share. At the same time, I know that my assumptions about what was best for her and my refusal to believe what she's said in the past is part of how I abused her, and part of the cycle of abuse.
I plan to discuss going NC for a month probably more with her, and work on saving up enough money to move out as soon as I can, but I am at the same time holding out hope that she is right and does see things clearly, and is willing to give me a chance to be her friend. I know that a major part of my healing will be accepting that she and I won't ever be romantically involved again, and that I deserve to loose her friendship, but I also want to listen to her as the victim in all this and honor what feels comfortable for her.
I'm currently in therapy to address the root cause of my abusive habits, and am determined to do the work, not only for her, but for any future relationship and my own mental peace and safety. I know that as the abuser my feelings on the matter are inconsequential, but I do feel horrible, I feel so genuinely disgusted with how I acted and what I did to her that it makes me physically ill. I can't believe I didn't see my actions for what they were sooner, and I really thought that I loved her, but I realize now that the love I had for her was a obsessive desperation to feel better, regardless of how she felt. I can't believe the ways in which I've acted, and don't need or want sympathy from strangers.
Regardless of what got me here, I abused my ex partner, and the main focus of my question is this: do I make the decision about our relationship for both of us by going NC or rather minimal contact bc our house is so small, or do I trust that she is seeing the situation clearly and accept that she forgives me and wants to stay friends?
edit: I think it's also important to point out that before she pointed out just how abusive I was being I thought that I was just really struggling with self-hatred and was going to her for support. Not so. This concerns me however because I know that to make real change I need to recognize the behaviors as abusive first myself, not have external input as to why I'm abusive. I want to say that I recognize the behaviors as abusive now, but it seems that that alone is not enough, and rather that I should've seen the abuse before now.