u/DefinitionThat9916

My boyfriend and I are best friends, we love each other. We have been together a little over two years. However, there have been two instances in our relationship that have caused a lot of pain and difficulty.

About 10 months into us dating, I found out he was hanging out with his female coworker and lying to me about it. I also found some very strange sexual stuff in his phone I won’t go into detail about. I had met this friend before this and never had an issue, but after he lied to me I felt really betrayed and he broke my trust. He told me they used to have a thing for each other.

After that incident, I asked that he maintain distance from her, although it was difficult because he still worked with her. It was really difficult for me to move on because I was so hurt and I didn’t trust him. We had countless conversations and arguments. He went to therapy like 3 times before leaving. At the end of last year I finally felt I was recovering from everything, and then it happened again, only worse.

I got suspicious because of the way he was talking about her, after he knew how I felt and asked for distance. I checked his phone and sure enough, he was heavily emotionally invested in her, talking in the middle of the night, waking up extra early before work to make her coffee, and fantasizing and getting off to images of her. He also confessed that due to the rocky state of our relationship, he had wanted a break but didn’t want to hurt me. So he turned to her for emotional validation. I considered this emotional cheating. I lost it.

I gave him two non negotiables if he wanted to work on things. First, he had to remove this coworker from his life. Second, he had to go to therapy. It has been 5 months and he has done neither of those. Yesterday everything fell apart.

He finally left this job maybe two weeks ago. I was under the impression we could finally move on. He told me his relationship with her and his other friends in that group would fizzle out but he wouldn’t cut them off immediately.

Yesterday he told me he was going to hang out with them including her. He was out all day with her and I don’t know who else. I absolutely lost it because it feels like disrespect. He admitted to me he feels he has nothing to be accountable for. I drove to his house and we argued for a few hours. He was being cold and getting angry. He said he doesn’t like being told what to do and he resents me for asking him to cut her off. He said he won’t change. It blew up and I had a giant nervous breakdown in his driveway. I slumped over uncontrollably sobbing as he tried to comfort me. He then said, “I’m going to go now” and headed out to hang with her and the others. I sped off.

This hurts me so bad because these betrayals caused serious nervous system dysregulation for me. I would shake and have nightmares and not eat and cry on the floor at times. It really destroyed me but I stayed because everything else is great and I love him. But for him to do that to me yesterday was the final straw, how badly he hurt me and he had the audacity to just do that. I got pushed to that point after a year and a half. We are taking space but hoping to repair.

What can we do? Is it irrational of me to ask that he remove her from his life??? I don’t understand why it’s so difficult. Please help I’m hopeless.

TLDR; Bf betrayed me, hasn’t made any changes and won’t cut off the girl he was involved with

My boyfriend and I are best friends, we love each other. We have been together a little over two years. However, there have been two instances in our relationship that have caused a lot of pain and difficulty.

About 10 months into us dating, I found out he was hanging out with his female coworker and lying to me about it. I also found some very strange sexual stuff in his phone I won’t go into detail about. I had met this friend before this and never had an issue, but after he lied to me I felt really betrayed and he broke my trust. He told me they used to have a thing for each other.

After that incident, I asked that he maintain distance from her, although it was difficult because he still worked with her. It was really difficult for me to move on because I was so hurt and I didn’t trust him. We had countless conversations and arguments. He went to therapy like 3 times before leaving. At the end of last year I finally felt I was recovering from everything, and then it happened again, only worse.

I got suspicious because of the way he was talking about her, after he knew how I felt and asked for distance. I checked his phone and sure enough, he was heavily emotionally invested in her, talking in the middle of the night, waking up extra early before work to make her coffee, and fantasizing and getting off to images of her. He also confessed that due to the rocky state of our relationship, he had wanted a break but didn’t want to hurt me. So he turned to her for emotional validation. I considered this emotional cheating. I lost it.

I gave him two non negotiables if he wanted to work on things. First, he had to remove this coworker from his life. Second, he had to go to therapy. It has been 5 months and he has done neither of those. Yesterday everything fell apart.

He finally left this job maybe two weeks ago. I was under the impression we could finally move on. He told me his relationship with her and his other friends in that group would fizzle out but he wouldn’t cut them off immediately.

Yesterday he told me he was going to hang out with them including her. He was out all day with her and I don’t know who else. I absolutely lost it because it feels like disrespect. He admitted to me he feels he has nothing to be accountable for. I drove to his house and we argued for a few hours. He was being cold and getting angry. He said he doesn’t like being told what to do and he resents me for asking him to cut her off. He said he won’t change. It blew up and I had a giant nervous breakdown in his driveway. I slumped over uncontrollably sobbing as he tried to comfort me. He then said, “I’m going to go now” and headed out to hang with her and the others. I sped off.

This hurts me so bad because these betrayals caused serious nervous system dysregulation for me. I would shake and have nightmares and not eat and cry on the floor at times. It really destroyed me but I stayed because everything else is great and I love him. But for him to do that to me yesterday was the final straw, how badly he hurt me and he had the audacity to just do that. I got pushed to that point after a year and a half. We are taking space but hoping to repair.

What can we do? Is it irrational of me to ask that he remove her from his life??? I don’t understand why it’s so difficult. Please help I’m hopeless.

TLDR; Bf betrayed me, hasn’t made any changes and won’t cut off the girl he was involved with