Mountain or molehill
I [30F] have been with my bf 35M for 5 years. In a lot of ways he is the perfectan and I love him so much. I've been torn up inside for the last week or so and I don't know what to do.
So one of his childhood friends got married over the weekend. I wasn't invited, no big deal really. But then I found out that his friends fiancé was invited. He didn't explicitly tell me this, it slipped out. I went quiet after that and then he kept mentioning how he was barely invited to the wedding (initially it was just the after party but then they changed it to the ceremony).
This wouldn't have been such a big deal to me if it had been for events in the past, for one, his friends - who are more important to him than his family - have never really put in an effort with me. There was once incident when I was at his house and one of his frienda came over, she completely ignored me and walked right past and said hello to everyone. My bf gave her a glare and she made a slight nod in my direction, after which he promptly took me to his room. It was tense between us for a moment which was my confirmation that it wasn't just in my head. It was almost like he was waiting for me to say something and when I didn't he relaxed and went back to normal.
Along with this, while I was at his house, I wasn't allowed in the living room while his friend/ housemate was there. It was made known that I should be confined to his bedroom space. This was never explicitly mentioned but was always implied. This came to a head when we had the house to ourselves over Christmas break while his flatmate was away for the holidays, as my bf sleeps in late and I'm an early bird, I was getting up hours earlier and instead of laying in bed and brain rotting and disturbing my bf sleeping, I would go upstairs to get my day started. The day his flatmate got home, and I was in the living room, housemate walks in and says hi, next thing my bf has woken up and has come to get me and take me back to his room. We had been together for 3 years at this point.
We had a fight about it where my bf sheepishly explain their was an unsaid rule that there was an understanding that there wouldn't be a girl in the communal space while the other was home.
I can say with great confidence that there is absolutely no way his flatmate ever made whatever girl he was dating at the time feel like this.
Along with this, it was little things like not wanting to share his nowtv login, which he didn't want to give to me because he'd given to his flatmate. He did eventually give it to me when we moved in together but again, it's not like we were a new relationship at the time, it has been years. And I'd be hard pressed to imagine his friends would be so considerate as to pander to my bf over their significant others.
The only reason we live together is because his flatmate wanted to move in with his gf and so that kind of forced my bf to broach the topic with me. Not out of some strong desire to live with me.
Which brings me back to the whole wedding thing, again, I wouldn't have minded, but the fiance who was invited while I was not, they've been together for about 2 years and the bf and I have been together for 5.
It brought back all these feelings I realised I buried but had resolved. The fact that he goes out of his way to keep them away from me, if he gets an invite for anything, a party, a get together etc, it's never extended to me.
And it's so humiliating. Having my friend ask me why non of my bfs friends attend any party that we host. Last weekend everyone wondering why I was in London while he was at the wedding (without the added context that a more recent partner had been invited). And it's not even that, it's that he wasn't even upset, it was just an oh well situation. Like he wouldn't have dared to question it.
The saddest thing, this friend who's fiance was invited, on the stag do he tried to skimp out on the accommodation to save money which would have fucked over everyone else going. He's considerably more comfortable then most of the guys who went. While to mellow things out, my bf offered to cover his portion if he really kicked up a fuss about it.
When I wasn't allowed to be in the living room while his flatmate was home, my bf was covering a portion of his rent because he couldn't afford the full rent anymore, and he was more concerned about feeling like he was flexing the situation by letting me stay in the living room.
There's also a ethnic difference between us. All his friends are white, my bf is half but culturally as white as it gets. I'm not and it's not something I shy away from either. I had reduced this to a cultural disconnect if it wasn't for my none white friend dating a white guy who is also as Caucasian as it comes, along with all his friends, she told me he involves her in every event he's invited to and his friends are lovely to her and made a good effort to get to know her. He also seems like the kind of man who puts his woman before everyone. Unlike mine who just likes to cos play as that but when push comes to shove I'm always the second priority.
It's been a few days now, and I don't have it in me to talk about it to him. I've never been able to speak about my feelings that well (thanks for the dysfunctional upbringing mum and dad). He can tell something is up and it's affecting him a lot and seeing him that way is breaking my heart.
I guess I just needed an outside perspective, because all my friends are saying major red flags but we're all none white so hospitality is a huge thing in our cultures.
Tl;Dr: bf has isolated me from his life for years, am I making this a bigger deal than it is