Broke Up With Partner, My Friends Now Hate Me.
I, 17F, need to rant about this. If anyone has input, advice on how to overcome my guilty consciousness would be greatly appreciated. How am I meant to fix this? Is there any way to fix it?
For reference, my (now ex-)girlfriend, 17F, was super kind and loving in the past. She has always been supporting for me, but never actually gave me the love I needed. I communicated with her about it, that I don't really like sexual touches (as a result of course extensive trauma I've gone through), and I crave cuddles and head pats and domestic affection.
My trauma has taken over every aspect of my life. Ruined me inside and out. I've gone to extensive therapy for years and have worked on myself for so, so long. When my ex and I got together ~3 years ago, I was in a bad, bad place. I did everything to support her, help her, all of it. She hurt me a lot at the beginning, but I forgave her and we moved on.
Around present-day, all she does is complain. She fears confrontation, so I never spoke up about it. I'm a heavily studious student (aiming for ivy league collages), and I don't have time for relationships. I've been suffering greatly with combating the burden of her suffering as well as my own, alongside stress about the future and what collage holds in store for me.
So, I broke up with her Thursday. She asked what the future held for us, she needed reassurance that we would still be together. I couldn't promise that. One thing led to another, and we broke up. Was the way I did it awful? Absolutely. I regret it greatly, but can I do anything about it now? No. She's heartbroken, which is genuinely a shock to me because she never once showed her love to me and only ever compared herself to me, whether academically, physically, or mentally. It was always a fight for the best or the worst with her. It was exhausting.
Yesterday, a mutual friend messaged me and scolded me about the way I broke up with my ex. I explained everything, the layers beneath it all, the correlations between my trauma and my own suffering that kept getting drowned out. I told her about how I never let myself be selfish, but I need to be this one time so I can keep myself from ending it all. My friend then used my trauma against me. ("Your abuser didn't break up with her, you did.") and that disgusted me to no end. She asked for a reason, and I gave it. I dont know what more she wants from me, but her using my trauma against me like that was appalling.
I deleted the app we use to communicate, but I'm genuinely dreading everything. Life, being around others, talking with people. I dread school and having to see them. I dont know what to do, I'm so sick of everything. Not once has anyone besides two people asked how I fee about it. I've been made out into the back
TL;DR: I (17F) broke up with my girlfriend (17F) because I can't give her the love she deserves as a result of my trauma. A mutual friend then used my trauma against me while scolding me for how I broke up with my ex. I'm genuinely miserable and need advice/a place to vent it all out.