u/Delicious_Air_2983

TW: mentions of self harm and suicide.

i’m back in my college town for the week to pack my things. in the separation, i stupidly got into my head that maybe i had overconstrued things, and that me and him deserve a “tender goodbye.” i tried going over to his place, which he was very happy and loving about. the guilt of visiting him with no one knowing ate me up so bad i ended up leaving, walking home to my best friend (i’m leaving her name in here since it’s a common enough name). this is a whole other story in general.

i just have 48 more hours in this hellhole of a town. i feel like a goldfish trapped in a fish tank with a shark. he hasn’t visited me or come to my door, so idk if i have grounds for a restraining order. i’m blocking him again now.

SH/suicide portion: the multiple slit wrists comments were, i guess, my fault. after hours and hours of him calling me a bitch, a witch, a pathetic person, he then told me he cares about me. i told him, and i regret it because it’s not okay to say at all, “i could slit my wrists in front of you and you wouldn’t even hand me a tissue.” i also, i can’t lie, whenever he harasses me like this with calls and texts that never end like he’s a broken record, i do feel like i want to…. not die, but not live either. i feel so miserable it’s like an out of body experience - i guess that’s disassociation? well, later on he tells me he’s going to cut a hole into himself after dinner with his parents. he does have a history of trying to before he met me, and i took it seriously. i texted his roommate to please give him a call and check on him. he did not like that. i should have called the cops and have had them deal with him. i wasn’t trying to embarrass him necessarily, i just didn’t know how to navigate it. that was the first time someone told me, that i couldn’t help, they were going to hurt themselves.

i understand i should have never made that comment. it was cruel. but in the end, i also don’t feel like i deserve late night and intermittent strings of texts calling me a cunt.

before i begin, let me just acknowledge the elephant in the room: yes, i know i should block him. i know i WILL block him.

tldr: very recent messy break up with an added layer of guilt tripping. needs tips as to how people who’ve left their abusers dealt with any guilt.

last week, he left me alone in a parking lot after a fight. i still have that post up, idk how reddit works, but in that post i share more details. that day, i called my mom and we scheduled for me to come home for a few days, seven hours away. i’ve been home, and healing. he’s still been in my life. he’s been begging me to take him back and that things will get better. i wanted to believe things would, so that same day he left me, we ended up talking things out and got back together.

that day last week, he missed an exam. then on friday, he missed another big exam. he will be failing two of his classes, and it’s almost as if he’s putting the blame on me. at least that’s how it feels.

i asked him yesterday, because today i was supposed to be back on campus, if we could just have a chill night with no sec involved. he flipped out, sending me a long stream of verging on incoherent sentences (i later found out he was drunk, which is increasingly typical) assuming the worst and “how could my girlfriend be cheating on me.” all because i dared to change my mind about sex.

i was in the middle of getting ready and packing for the bus ride back. as i was reading these messages, i ran to my mom’s office and told her “don’t let me get on that bus.” i’m spending a few more days at home.

i broke up with him over text. he’s tried calling, facetiming, multiple times. today he texts me that he’s taking time off work and not going to counseling, essentially all because of me. i feel awful. i still care about him. but at the same token i don’t even know if any of this is real or if he’s just saying these things as a ploy to make me feel such immense guilt that i’ll go back to him.

i can’t go back to him. how did you deal with the guilt/guilt tripping?

CONTEXT: earlier this week he abandoned me in a parking lot (long story) that led me to drive seven hours back home for a few days. he eventually wore me down and begged me to give him another chance. we’ve been talking about seeing each other tomorrow, monday, but i have projects due tomorrow (it’s finals week at my university) and work early the next morning. i kindly requested we see each other tuesday instead. he doesn’t have work, i don’t have work, and i wont be stressed about assignments or projects anymore. he took it as me not wanting to see him.

i understand i gave him some attitude. i’m just hurt. am i the one in the wrong?

NOTE: some of these texts are out of order but i hope you guys get the general idea.