u/Deliri0fatal

“You know how to love someone but you don't know how to believe that someone loves you, and that's your problem.”

I KNOW, I know that.

I know that every time someone gets too close to me I start looking for signs that they’re about to leave. I know that I ruin good things by doubting them until they finally become exactly what I was afraid they were.

And I know it’s exhausting.

Because loving people has never been difficult for me. I could love someone until it hurts to breathe. I could memorize the sound of their laugh, the shape of their hands, the little changes in their voice when they’re tired or sad. I could give them every soft part of me without hesitation. But the second they try to love me back, something inside me panics.

Suddenly I start thinking maybe they just don’t know me well enough yet. Maybe one day they’ll look at me properly and realize I’m not the person they imagined. Maybe they’ll wake up and the affection will be gone and I’ll have to pretend I wasn’t already expecting it.

That’s the worst part.

I’m always expecting it.

Even during the good moments, even when they’re holding me like I’m something precious, there’s still a voice in the back of my mind whispering "don’t get used to this"

And I hate that voice.

I hate how badly I want to be loved and how impossible it feels to trust it when it finally happens. Sometimes I think being loved is more frightening than being abandoned, because abandonment at least feels familiar.

Love doesn’t.

Love feels like standing at the edge of something beautiful with the constant certainty that eventually it will ask me to leave.

Estoy estudiando Arquitectura en la UV y voy en segundo año. Últimamente he estado pensando en cambiarme a la PUCV porque siento que el tipo de enseñanza y la malla quizá encajan más conmigo, cosas que honestamente no consideré tanto cuando postulé.

El tema es que tendría que partir desde primero otra vez, y no sé si realmente vale la pena hacer ese cambio o si sería mejor terminar la carrera en la UV. También pienso que la PUCV quizá podría abrirme más puertas a futuro, pero no sé si estoy idealizándolo un poco.

¿Alguien que haya pasado por algo parecido o que conozca ambas escuelas? Me serviría mucho leer experiencias u opiniones.

I miss you, but I don’t think you miss me. I miss your messages like they were air itself, like my day only started once your name appeared on my screen. I love when you ask me how I am, even if it’s just once, even if it’s small and casual and probably means nothing to you. But why does it always feel like you don’t really care?

I’m not asking to be your favorite person.

I’m not asking to be the center of your world.

I just want to feel important to you, even a little.

Even enough for you to think of me without me having to beg for your attention first.

Sometimes I feel stupid for caring this much.

Because every little thing you do matters to me, while I’m not even sure if I cross your mind at all. And maybe that’s what hurts the most: loving someone quietly while feeling yourself slowly disappear in their eyes.

I wish you knew how happy I get over the smallest things.

A text from you. A question about my day. You remembering something I told you weeks ago. Maybe for you it’s nothing.

But for me, it’s everything.